Given up hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost43215, May 1, 2008.

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  1. lost43215

    lost43215 Well-Known Member

    Since the last time Ive written, it only seems to get worse. Ive given up all hope that Ill improve my situation. Just over a year ago I was in this exact position, and I ended up planning for almost 1 month, going down south and attempting suicide. I had thought it was a flawless plan, and I truly wanted to kill myself, even if I was happy that day or something. I remember the feeling when I had put through the final plans... relief. I was actually happy that the pain would finally end.

    Now im in the same position as before, and I know where it's going to end up. Ive slowly told others of my depression in last ditch effort for help, but my hope that anything will help me now is small. I already have a plan in place to kill myself, one that again should ensure my death. I think the only reason im not going through with it is that small hope that somehow a miracle will come along that will help me get through this. If it wasnt for that I would surely have been dead this past sunday.

    Unfortunately, even this small chance of hope is slowly diminishing every day. At this point I dont know what I can do in such a desparate time to change my mind, or even if i want to. I doubt Ill last another week at this rate.
  2. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    You say you have a little bit of hope. Given time and very hard work, that bit of hope can grow enough so you can manage your suicidal ideation. I've been taught many different coping skills, and know that they help when I use them. This week, I found that my meds are helping because I had to reduce dosage on some to last until the first of the month. The last few days of April were really rough, gradually sinking deeper into depression and suicidal thoughts.

    I've made a number of attempts over the past few years, and now have what I would need to make it final. I think that just knowing the means are available gives me a feeling of some power of choice. I have to make the decision each day that I won't do anything until tomorrow. Perhaps you can do that.
  3. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. You need a miracle. You have a small piece of hope. I was there. In a time, i have realised: this is a life, its not a movie, there are no miracles (at least not for me), and I have no hope anymore. I have made some research about methods, and realised its easier to try to go, than to try to stay and hope. But, I hope for you, and for the rest of you here, all of you. I hope you will be strong enough not to loose that last hope you have. Just tell me if miracle has happened, somewhere, somehow...
  4. lost43215

    lost43215 Well-Known Member

    Well.... Ive decided. I cant even seem to handle even normal social situations between 2 people. The hardest part for me right now of course is trying to find a good day to do it. Ive got to come up with some lie so that noone knows what im doing and have to pick a day where ill have lots of time to do it cause it'll prob take a few hours to fully die.

    It's exactly like the first attempt. Ive been filled with a euphoria of happyness, knowing my pain will end and i wont have to deal with it anymore. I know clearly people will be hurt, and Ill feel sorry for them, but I know eventually they'll understand or something.... Oh well....

    The hardest part is the wait. I wish it would just end now...

    Despite all this, I wish all of you to get better, and that if you are in a similar situation like me, you give it a ton of thought before attempting suicide and the consequences of such. Even think about the method itself.... do you reallly want to risk failing and possibly end up crippled the rest of your life? Just give it tons of thought and go out and proactively try every possible solution to your problem.
  5. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    There is no good day for doing that. Every day is a bad day. You know what people say: Don't believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die. But you are probably thinking about a day when you can be sure that you wont be found before you die.
    Knowing that your pain will end. Thats the only positive thing that comes with suicide. There is nothing else.
    And failing is the most scary part here. You dont know what will happen if you fail. Its worse than life and death.
    I hope you were thinking about all of this, to. A lot. As you said,.... tons of thought...
    No matter what your final decision will be, I will accept it, as I want all people to accept my decision. What I want to say is, if you made a decision like this, that you must die, when you know that dying is the only solution, no one can judge if it was a right or wrong decision. Noone, because you are the only one who really feels the pain. You are the only one who will have to deal with it for the rest of your life. And we? We know only what you will tell us. And from personal expirence I know that there are some things that we can not describe with words, they must be felt to be understand.
    Once again, you can see that this is not one of those 'HANG ON, THERE IS ALWAYS TOMOROW' posts, but im asking you, before you will make the FINAL (i just hope this is not the final) decision, think, think, think, and then decide...
  6. Bostonensis

    Bostonensis Guest

    THERE IS ALWAYS TOMOROW' posts, but im asking you, before you will make the FINAL (i just hope this is not the final) decision, think, think, think, and then decide...[/QUOTE]

    Think ,think,think ,think , & decide don't do it. Its a waste of energy.You may never know & there is no way of knowing what tomorrow will bring. It can turn around & you can be an instrument of Hope. Helping others is a powerful reason to live & make a difference to others even ours sux big time.
  7. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member


    i'm with the rest of the thughts. i've madeseveral attempts and am not allowed to past methds; some really creative and enuf pills to kill 10 cows!!! seems unfair to still be alive. wish i knew a true junkie and they might help me achieve what i dearly seek--DEATH!!! if abyone knows a sucessful way, please pm me,p-l-e-a-s-e pm me. i'm such a failure as you will see me if you pm me and see how hard i've tried and failed miserably!
  8. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    I don't think you should commit suicide. Its a bad decision.

    Problems can be solved, and you can't always find the solutions by yourself.
  9. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    There is never a good day to die.

    You've said that there was a glimmer of hope right?

    Well, hold on tight and nurture that grain of hope, it will grow and fill you up with happyness.

    The more people there to help you nurture that grain, the stronger it becomes and that happier you will be. When you get through this ditch, imagine how happy everyone will become.

    No one is a failure. Everyone is a winner in their own right.
  10. lost43215

    lost43215 Well-Known Member

    Ive been going this last month actually just fine and happy actually. But tonight it's hit me while i was talking with a friend.... Im still in no better shape than I was before. I had completely forgotten that my social skills sucked because I didnt need them, but when I was talking to my friend I did.

    I've actually been waiting almost the 3 months now that I was told it would take to schedule a phyciatric appointment, but who's to say they'll actually end up calling.

    At this point I look at the good and the bad in my life. Sure Ive been living happy for the last month, but then again I also haven't been social. It's super depressing knowing you cant start a conversation with someone and know you will only last a couple minutes in. I've even noticed I have problems talking with my own family members.

    I feel like my life will always be incomplete without the social skills, and I feel like everything I've done hasn't helped. Heck, i even took a course on communication skills and that doesnt even help. Im slowly comming to the conclusion that maybe I cant learn them, that ill always be this way.

    I dont feel I can continue my life like this. If it could all end this very moment Id end it. I still have my plan from before that I might go ahead with... but for now I have to give it some more thought.
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I'm not going to tell you everything will be peachy. I have been fighting these thoughts of ending it for the last fouteen years, The only way I have found to defeat the toughts is to take it one day at a time. The thought is always there waiting in the wings for me to stumble. I've had an AS and woke upto find I'm still here kicking.
    My daughter told me if I try that again she will never forgive me. How do you go on when you have someone that loves you. That hasn't been working lately but i'm still trying. I have a good therapist who at one time was in our shoes. She is proof there is away to turn this around. She says you have to learn the coping skills and open up and talk. I tell her about my suicidal thoughts and she just kind of blows it away. She thinks there is hope no matter how low you feel.
    Yep a good meds regiment, a good therapist, and a good shrink will give you enough help to hold on. My self, like I said it's been fourteen years and I am just plain tired. I am sick of my family telling me it's going to be o.k. I don't blame them because they are just ignorant to what is truly going on inside of me.
    Give it another go. Set up a visit with your shrink and find a good therapist. It really helps. Now I told you my thoughts but I haven"t mentioned all the other clients she has turned around and are living a fairly normal life.
    I hope some of this is getting thru to you...Stay Safe and Stay Strong...:chopper:
  12. lost43215

    lost43215 Well-Known Member

    Wow... it's been over a month since I last had suicidal feelings. Only difference this time is it may actually be a recurrence of my first attempt.

    Ive been coping because, well... I havent been involved in any social type situations (other than casual everyday chat). Ive avoided social situations and therefore im happy because i dont have the stress of being in them. The trouble is... I need to be social also to be happy. I want to be able to go into social situations and be comfy... but i cant. I dont have the knowledge of how.

    So now im in a high stress point in my life. My job's roles are changing because i have a new manager, which im uncomfy with those changes. I have a girl that i like and i think she likes me back but she lives far away so that prob wont work out.. plus she's busy most of the time. I have a coworker that is starting to become friends with me and inviting me out socially, even tho i know how it'll all turn out (bad). There's a whole bunch of other stressful factors as well to that. Ive had to wait 4 months to hear from the hospital that basically they cant help me. Plus the one goal that ive had (a mini vacation) and that's been keeping my hopes alive is comming up soon, and i dont even have someone to go with me.

    I feel i cant trust anyone because of a past incident... which also hinders me making friends. It seems everything i try doesnt work....

    So now im thinking about after accomplishing my goal... then what? Do i continue living knowing it wont get better for me... or just end it there and know that ive lived as fullfilling life as i could (and probably die happy).

    I know what ppl will prob say on here... to save my life or something. But Im thinking about all this in a calm manner, not letting my emotions control my thoughts. To me, it just seems logical to just end it. It's easier if you throw your moral objections out the window (not saying you should), but it makes it easier to see from my view. Ive run out of options really... i mean, how can you teach someone to be social??? that's something learned as you grow up.

    It sucks...
  13. lost43215

    lost43215 Well-Known Member

    Well.... Ive made it this far.... but how much longer can i last?

    Ive been depressed these past few days, mainly because my job which ive loved is now going to not be great because of a few changes taking place. Im still in the same position in terms of friends since the beginning of summer, i think the main reason that hasnt popped into my head more often is because i havent thought about it.

    I think Ive come to the hardest part of my life, similarily to a prior event. Last year I carefully thought and made the decision to commit suicide, came up with a plan, and almost got through with it. If it hadnt been for the one thing i didnt think of I wouldve killed myself. Now Im back at that spot, seriously thinking about suicide again, only with a new plan. The answer is yes.... the hard part is figuring out a day, how am i going to get ready for it, etc.

    I know it will be excruciatingly hard for my family and some of my friends. I know it will be for some of the people who barely know me, but whom Ive met. I know there are lots of people who care about me, some of which are strangers on here that want to help me out. None of that can change the position I am currently in though.

    Ive run out of hope, the one thing that keeps us all alive. Ive thought many times of solutions to solve my problems, tried every one of them, some of them work for a while, some not at all. Not even other people have been able to help me.

    Ironically, up here in Canada, they charge people for you to see a therapist or phycologist usually, even in the US. Yet it's the one service that needs to be free, because so many of us need help, and yet you have to pay for that help. Yet you break some bones, and your healthcare will pay for that, but they dont pay to save your life.

    Im tired of living this life, this life that seems like hell to me. Im sure there are plenty more things out there that could make me happy, perhaps even that "greatest day of my life" is still to come, but even with all the good times, the bad ones still somehow outweigh it all.

    These will be some of the hardest few days I'll come to know, balancing what I feel is the right thing for me, and giving in to the tinyest shred of hope, and living, hoping for that day to come. Questioning how the pain everyone must suffer from my death will affect their lives and how I could die, knowing the pain they'll go through. Ultimately, as Ive experienced before, none of that will matter. There is no hell worse than what I and others like me are going through, and anyone could only hope they never have to live like this for the rest of their lives. This is why there is suicide.
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