Given up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hiddenaway, Mar 11, 2008.

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  1. hiddenaway

    hiddenaway Member

    I decided long ago that I would take my own life but would wait until I really did have nothing left to live for. Up until now I know I have wasted my life, I am over weigh but healthy, my problems are mostly self-induced. I have never been happy with my body or myself and never fitted in to society, all my life I have longed to be someone I couldn’t be. I have spent most of my adult life watching Anime and playing computer games, using them as a way of escaping reality. Because of my low self esteem I could never hold down a job and at one point I ended up in prison for five years for attempted robbery, since I came out I have been unemployed, spending all my time in my fantasy world. I have lied to my friends, trying to live out my life online and I have lied to myself trying to believe it. Nothing ever changes for me, I have nothing to live for, no goals to achieve. I cannot continue on like this anymore, I have told my friends I am leaving the online community but not what I am going to do, I cannot and will not tell them. Next week I am going to leave my home and not come back. I don’t know why I am here on this forum to be honest I am beyond help; I think I just want someone to know the truth.
  2. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    as long as there's life, there's hope. believe me. stick around a bit longer. you never now what's just around the corner. and come here to vent your feelings so they won't drown you.

  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thank you for sharing that. And I think not only did you want others to know the truth, but somewhere deep inside there is still a flicker of hope, that maybe someone can give you an answer or solution that you haven't found on your own yet. So please keep posting and let members here try to give you that. You have given yourself a week. So why not invest that time in really trying to change things, even in the slighest, so that in a week you will return home. Have you tried any type of group support? That in itself can give you if nothing else, resources to try that you may never know even existed! Please hold on to whatever is keeping you going now and try sharing some of your pain here. You are so isolated. Maybe it's time to start letting others in. Please hold on.
  4. hiddenaway

    hiddenaway Member

    Thank you for your kind words but it really is hopeless for me. I have no family I can turn too, my friends like the me that I show them but that’s the me that I wished I could be, not me as I really am. I have been this way for too long, I haven’t lived life only passed through it in sadness. Maybe if I tell you more about myself you will understand my reasons, I’m not to good at this sort of thing though.

    I am a guy living in the west midlands, 32 years old and single. When I was very young I was in a children’s home until I was around 8 when my dad got custody of me. I can never remember a time that I could say I was happy, I have never fitted in with other people; at school I was physically and mentally bulled. My dad although he wasn’t a bad person he was very cruel with me, he was cold and emotionless with me and never had any patients and would hit me for the smallest thing. I ran away from home 3 or 4 times but I didn’t get very far before I was found and taken back and he never once tried to talk to me about why I had ran away. As I grew older I found it very difficult to relate to people, I was very introverted and had no regard for myself. I felt inside that I wasn’t a boy but at that age I couldn’t really understand it. When I was older I know that I was born in the wrong body and I hated myself more and felt like a freak. By then I had left school and moved from job to job, I don’t think I have a job for more than a month before quitting or being sacked then getting another. By then I had got hooked in computer games as a way of hiding from my sham of a life, I was pretty much addicted. I had terrible relationships I never found anyone I could be with. Just after my 18th birthday things had hit a really low point in my life, I was in debt, jobless and my dad was about to kick me out the house. I couldn’t see any possible way out and in desperation I turned to armed robbery. I spent the next 5 years in prison but it didn’t help me I didn’t get any help while I was inside. I came out and immediately turned to my computer to hide away again. With my criminal record I found it impossible to get any work and debits mounted up. I started moving around in private accommodation, changing my name each time to escape my debits. That pretty much brings me to where I am right now except I have no money at all coming in, I live hand to mouth. I could turn to crime again but I don’t want to, I just want it all to end now. I don’t have any thing to live for, I never have. The only thing that has kept me alive for this long is Anime and games.
  5. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    it may not BE as hopeless as it SEEMS. "feeling" and "being" are two different things. don't lose that little bit of hope you've still got somewhere inside.:hug:
  6. hiddenaway

    hiddenaway Member

    I have spent today watching anime and going through my things, and then went shopping for Paracetamol. The self service points in ASDA made it very easy as you can do multiple purchases without arousing suspicion. I have 64 tablets now, I will get more tomorrow. I’m suppressed how calm I feel right now, having made the decision it has lifted a large weight of me.
  7. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    Please... Think again:sad:

  8. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    I know its good to share what you feel, and in a way, someone will know the truth. I hope that someone or something will change your mind before the next week comes. I feel angry because I cant say something to help you, but I know that Im here just to share what I feel, and I dont expect any help, only opinions which can not help me. But, we are here and we can share what we have. I only wish I could help you...
  9. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I can relate to what you're going through. Right now, I have no one to turn to, and I know how isolating that feels.
  10. miXXedUp

    miXXedUp Member

    Hiddenaway, obviously your circumstances are unique to you. But we all understand how much pain you are in. Please try to hang in there. Keep posting here. Please try not to take all those paracetamols, it is a slow and painful way to go - and you have already endured too much pain.
  11. hiddenaway

    hiddenaway Member

    The paracetamol are there just to make sure I go, I will be going to beachy head, I hope i have the currage to jump.
  12. hiddenaway

    hiddenaway Member

    Well I have just said goodbye to all of my online friends and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I know now that I can jump, I feel different already. I have destroyed what little I had; now I truly have nothing. I am more alone now than I have ever been and I feel so empty.
  13. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    :( I have nothing to say :(
  14. hiddenaway

    hiddenaway Member

    Today I have been strangely calm, I spent most of the morning packing things away and randomly watching anime. I have found a buyer for my PC and pretty much everything is sorted out. I miss being with my friends :sad:
    I wished That I had more time to spend here I havent got to know anyone.
  15. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    I so wish you had more time to spend here too. But remember, its not too late. Nothing so far is reversable.
    Many you would like to talk things out one last time? Please PM me if you want to xx
  16. hiddenaway

    hiddenaway Member

    That’s just the problem, I don’t have time, my Internet gets cut off soon as I cannot afford the bill. I have been looking on here for a while; I wished I had talked earlier. I don’t think it would of made much difference to how I feel but at least I would have had someone to talk to that can understand my reasons.
  17. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    totally, there is alot to be gained by talking. Can you go online on your phone? or go to a cheap internet cafe?
  18. hiddenaway

    hiddenaway Member

    My phone is very old and cannot be used for online, I have no money other than what I have managed to get together for getting to Beachy Head and a little extra. Next week I would have no home or money, it is hopeless for me, and all I can do wait until Thursday. I would like to keep talking on here or MSN until then.
  19. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it's not too late, to be sure. please reconsider.

    as far as $$ goes, you may be eligible for emergency help from social services, in terms of paying the rent, a place to stay, a little extra for internet and food.

    many of us here have felt as low as you do now, seeing only one way out. but there are other options. you just have to reach out and ask for a helping hand. there are more people than you might ever imagine who will step up and give you a helping hand. i'm not talking online friends, i'm talking real life, in person help.

    i know, i've been the recipient of some of that help myself.

  20. hiddenaway

    hiddenaway Member

    It’s not that simple, I will never be the person I am inside and that is tearing me up. If there was something I could do about it I would believe me. Even with help its only postponing the inevitable.
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