i'm not sure why i'm posting this. i feel awkward about drawing attention to what i'm going to do. it makes me feel like some sort of overwrought adolescent or something, which i'm not. i've been clinically depressed for years, i've been through some terrible experiences, and consequently i'm very, very tired of life. i've been thinking about suicide quite calmly and rationally for a long time now. over the months i've drafted out countless letters to my friends and family, explaining my motives, apologizing, etc, but none of them have seemed at all adequate. perhaps that's the attraction of posting on this forum - i can articulate myself without it seeming real, or necessarily mattering at all. just over a year ago now i was forced out of what i thought of as my career, and into a long period of unemployment, poverty and worsening depression. somewhere along the way my entire personality was completely erased. i lost all of my friends, i lost my health, my intelligence, everything that i used to care about so much in life. i have tried to postpone doing anything irreversible, because i've always, even at my worst, hoped that i might get the chance to put these things right. i never got that chance, and now i've concluded, after looking closely at every possibility, that i never will. i feel like the real me - everything that was good about me - already died a year ago. what's left of me is just a worthless mess. now i'm living alone, with no human contact from day to day, no social network, no job, my hair is falling out and i'm putting on weight because of the depression, and i can't see any way out. i can either continue in this way, living on as a failure, watching myself get worse, or i can make it all stop. i've decided to jump off a bridge in north london. it will happen at some point over the next few nights. i'm suffering from insomnia now, and consequently i often find myself wandering out to the bridge in the early hours of the morning. each time i go out there, i'm more and more convinced that i won't come back. i don't want to die; i want to live a normal life, with friends, with a job that i enjoy and where i won't be arbitrarily denied opportunities, with a partner, with holidays and trips to the cinema and all the normal things that normal people do. but these things are so distant now that they seem utterly alien to me. one response, a platitude, would be to say, 'things will get better; time heals everything'. i really don't think those sentiments always have much of a bearing on reality. they don't hold for every case. i'm a reasonable person, and i've done everything i can to turn my life around. nothing has worked - i'm out of ideas, and i'm exhausted of it.