Giving up...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Azumi, Aug 7, 2009.

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  1. Azumi

    Azumi Well-Known Member

    So I guessed that I just couldn't stay away.
    Tonight my father and I got into it over....car keys...
    Here's the long version...and a little background...
    Basically my grandfather is making me share the car with my dad. Fine. Except my dad seems to think that he doesn't have to put gas in it and that my fiancee(known as *) and I should pay for all the gas...no not going with us.
    Well my dad is also a drug addict has been my whole life. I don't really care except the fact that because of it I had a horrible childhood. I was forced to move in with him and my grandparents when I was 13, so that he wouldn't have to pay child support. Well he refused to support me while I lived here. Instead my grandparents did, and my grandmother always yelled at me because of it as I got older. When I was old enough for a job, I started to support myself, and then he started stealing my stuff and pawning it for money for his drugs, or he stole my money, and he forged checks in my name once I started using a bank account.
    Well recently I've been getting into it because of his drug problems he is conning my grandfather into kicking us out of the house. Well he came home from "work" and he started yelling at me for no reason. So I went up to him and told me to give me back my car keys(I was forced to let him use my car today) he refused to give them to me and then made up a lie about my grandfather not wanting me to have them, and trying to tell me that my grandfather was giving me the car that barely works.(My dad doesn't want to drive it because it doesn't have a radio, I don't want to drive it because it is unsafe for a baby.)
    Apparantly I am an unfit mother (Because my daughter was crying since my dad was attacking me physically.) I am also a ***** and a slut because I had a child outside of marriage. So I started calling him a drug addict idiot, and that was all I said to him. To make this part short and to the point, my dad called my mother yelled at her to come and get me before he beat the shit out of me, then starting hitting and shoving me, so I shoved him back, he shoved me into the wall, I broke the wall since he shoved me so hard. He continued to shove and hit me and I did the same, then he hit me in the face and starting to punch me. I threatened to call the cops, he wouldn't stop...so I called the cops on him.
    He is now in jail for 6 hrs under survillence, and then can't come home for 72 hrs and has a court date. To make matters worse for himself, he also has a courtdate on tuesday. Not smart on his account.
    But my story doesn't stop there, once my grandfather came home and i told him what happened..he got mad at me AT ME! He basically acted like he didn't care that I got hurt and that I was scared for my daughter's sake and that is why I called the cops, especially since it wasn't the first time that my father has hit me.

    I am just so messed up with everything. And to top it all off I think my grandfather is letting my dad come back even though the cops said he can't come back for 72 hours..and I'm afraid of what is going to happen...
    I don't know how much more I can deal with all of this.
    I feel like shit all the time.
    I know I'm worthless.
    I already feel like I'm a bad mother because I can't afford to get everything that I think my daughter should have.
    I know I'm a failure.
    I just I don't know how much more of this I can take before completely giving up.
    I've already started to slightly give up little by little unnoticable things by the people around me...
    Just how many more blows will life deal me before I just get to the point of ending it...
     
  2. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you have to go through that... your dad sounds downright immature, irresponsible, childish, and cruel. And I can't believe your grandfather got angry at YOU. You've got to get yourself out of that house... is there any way?

    Could you work more hours, or find a roommate? Find some ways to decrease your bills or get financial help? Please talk to a counselor/therapist if you haven't already. They could guide you much better than I. I hope someone else on here can help you more, but please, get some guidance and find away to get out of that house.
     
  3. Tray

    Tray Well-Known Member

    Its a terrible situation. And i too think u should find some way out of it. and if you cant get out right away due to circumstances than at least keep a plan and schedule to work your way out of it.

    In the mean time you must keep standing up for yourself and not get taken advantage of. Don't let all that negativity tear you down.
     
  4. jackiehall

    jackiehall Member

    Firstly, There is always a way that you can get out of a situation like this, you have just got to decide that it has now come down to a priority! Speak to a welfare officer and they will find you at least temporary accommodation to go to until you sort out what's next. Find temproary accommodation first, then sort out what's next once you have widened back from the situation. Anywhere is better for your daughter then this situation, then you can decide what you could do next. Secondly, you do NOT KNOW that you are worthless. You have this belief based on what you have been indoctrinated to believe from your childhood and there is already a deeper side of you that knows deep down that this is NOT the way you want to raise your daughter. You are worthwhile because you exist and for what you contribute to those around you, especially your daughter. You imprint on her life regardless of what you do and there is learning in that. She is learning about life, because you are her parent and you are also teaching and learning from those around you, that's why you are worthy. It is because of these lessons that you teach that the lessons you learn from others, defines why you are worthy to this world. YOu are always contributing to the way the world is, beacuse of your very existence. From this, you can learn from everything that you have been exposed to and decide that this is not the way that you want to raise your child. You have the opportunity to break the cycle that your parents and grandparents have created, which ultimately is all they've been taught. Do whatever it takes to break this cycle and do what you can to create a different life from what you know, because from what you are saying, you already know that it doesn't have to be this way. You can get through this and you will, because you are already telling us that you know a different way, you just need to gather the information that you need in order to break away from this cycle. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY! Close your eyes for a minute and imagine the life that you want for yourself. How do you want your life to look like, specifically? What sort of life do you want for your child? Imagine that, specifically? then believe that you do not have to have the life that has been taught to you by your parents and your grandparents, you are able to learn from them the understanding of what you don't want and decide what you do want. This may mean taking a small step backwards and living in a homeless centre, or welfare help centre, but know that this is not the end of your life, or the low point of your life, this is the escape plan from your current dysfunctional life. You can make a change to your life, you just need to search all of the opportunities available to escape it. I believe in you. what you need to accept is that at this present moment, your dad cannot be any other way then where he is at. He has taken the pathway of drugs to cover up some part of his life that he can't deal with and the reality is that he cannot be the Dad that you so want him to be right now. The best thing to do for you and your daughter based on the present reality, is to remove yourself from this situation. It is not doing you any good. Maybe later, he will or won't change and learn that this is not a helpful lifestyle, but at least you have broken the cycle of violence, drugs and manipulation for your child and for your enjoyment of life.

    As far as your grandfather is concerned, he only knows what he knows right now, and perhaps he can see where he has contributed to where his son is at right now, and maybe he feels that he needs to stand in his defence. It doesn't condone it in your defence, but it does help you to understand that even he doesn't know how to behave any differently. But the difference is that you do. You already know that your daughter is NOT reacting because you are a bad mother but because, in your words "Because my daughter was crying since my dad was attacking me physically". This is indication enough that you need to get out of there. It's not because you can't afford to get out, it's because your initial standards may be too high or unrealistic for where you are at right now. There is ALWAYS help out there, you just need to lower your standards in order to start from somewhere. Children are soooooo resilient, I know that from my own children and you care more about posessions and security then they do. Give them love, reassurance and a roof over there heads and they FEEL the difference and teach you volumes about the simplicity of life. That is what you can do for them. Go and seek a refuge or governement help and you will, when widened back from the situation and engage yourself in the resources to help you, will sort out a plan to move forward to a calmer, safer environment for yourself and for your child. This is a chance to move forward and there is help available if you look for it. when we have a filter over our eyes that we have no other choice, then that is all we see. When we change that fileter and start to look at what help is available, we start to see the opportunities available to us. Violence and drugs is no longer an isolated event and governments have set up helplines and charity services that will help you use these resources to get people out of these detrimental situations. Use these resources, even as a temporary measure to remove you of this situation, and don't value yourself as any less of a person because of it, but be thankful that they are a means of getting you and your daughter out of these situations and believe that you can pay this back to these societies in the future, when you are back on your feet and able to teach others about your experiences and how you survived a violent, drug induced situation and turned it around and teach others how to do this, so that their lives don't take the same painful route that yours has taken. By doing this you will change your daughter's life and teach her not to take things for granted and teach others how to turn hers and others' life around. But first, what do you want you life to look like, Be specific? and secondly, what resources are out there that you can utilise....anything... that will remove you and your daughter from this current situation.

    I wish you all of the love in the world in this crossroads of your life.

    Light & Love
    Jackie
     
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