Giving up

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Mortal Moon, Nov 3, 2009.

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  1. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I can feel it happening. My will to achieve, to learn, to even experience, continues to fade. Soon, I won't be able to do anything- get out of bed, eat, or even talk...

    As far as I can see, this is the only future I have... the logical consequence of despair... to become a being that moves but does not live, and thence into a being that does neither...

    I'm doing my best. I'm taking the medicine, talking to the counselors, trying to lift myself out of this. But my strength knows its limits. There will come a point when I no longer have the power to even cry myself to sleep, and I can feel that it's not far off.

    Although I want to die, and even though I'm posting on the "Suicide Forum", in my heart of hearts I don't think I have it in me to kill myself directly. That act just takes too much effort, too much willpower. In the end, I'll probably just end up starving to death....

    I've now dropped out of college. I made it official today. In a few days, I'll be moving back into my mom's house... and then what? I might make it another month or so... I might make it until Christmas, or even into the new year... but this can't go on forever.

    In the end, I don't want to kill myself. I'm not nearly that impulsive, and in any case, there's really no truly good way to do it. What I want is to just give up, and let things happen as they will. Let me lie down, go to sleep, dream of happy things as I waste away until there's nothing left... that's the only way...

  2. Tim.

    Tim. SF Emoti-King

    Sorry to hear you're having a tough time.

    I'm sure that dropping out of school wasn't in the initial plan. But it's not the end. I had a friend that dropped out and took awhile to get back together, but now has (and has had for many years) a rewarding life, career, friends, and family.

    I don't know what's in your future, just that it's possible.

    I hope that you can tell us about better days sometime. Good luck.
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Changes are happening in your life and you are overwhelmed. Keep taking care of yourself. At your mom's house you'll have the opportunity to get rested up. Keep going to the doctor and take your meds. These things take some time. As you need to express yourself, keep posting here. We experience what you are experiencing and we understand.

    You are not alone in this. :hug:
  4. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to hear you guys care. It does make me feel a little better, honestly. But I'm just afraid that nothing can stop this descent into catatonia.

    I'm not trying to be poetic or melodramatic or anything. I literally feel like I'm becoming completely immobile and unresponsive, little by little, and I'm just powerless to stop it.
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Acceptance does not necessarily mean approval. Accept what is happening, knowing that you will come out on the other side and knowing you have people who care about you. This won't swallow you whole. You'll want to sleep a lot, I did too. Get all the sleep you need.

  6. Tim.

    Tim. SF Emoti-King

    I know you're not just being melodramatic. It's just so confusing. I also often, including now, feel out of control. I don't know. Maybe if it started itself it will end itself by turning around? I just don't know.

    I hope your mom is supportive and helps. I have to think that she loves you and wants you to feel better.
  7. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    Just don't try to predict what the future has in store for you because life is always full of surprises.

    The most that you can ask of yourself is to keep an open mind about what the coming days might hold for you. Because you really don't know.
  8. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    im so sorry to hear that :'(

    i just have the same thing before 4 years ago....i couldnt wake out of bed & I drop my university & live with my parants....but here Iam i get myself little by little...i strart to wake up 2 to 3 hours aday, then i regester at college that turn its so much better...and with fourm I start to improving...and feel much better now...I know u feel tired and with no energy...but someday u make motivation & the sun will shine up...
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