giving up

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by swimmergirl, Apr 24, 2010.

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  1. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    It's better this way. I have decided. Not an easy decision. In fact, it's really hard to finally just let go.
     
  2. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    then don't

    please sleep on my offer okay?

    :hug:
     
  3. ozbound

    ozbound Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Don't give up there are lots of people that will miss you and want to help. Just keep posting we can help you get throught this just keep talking.
     
  4. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I am not going to make it through this week, this I know is true.
     
  5. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I am killing myself tonight.

    I told the people that are supposed to help me, I have been telling them for over a week, and no one gives a shit or believes me, which just convinces me that they really don't give a shit, everyone is just self involved and can care less about one person's pain in a whole world of people in pain.

    Below is what I have said or wrote to my treatment team about how I am feeling, why won't they help me?? I feel like the only option left is to die, apparently that is fine by everyone...what an awful way to have confirmed that you are a worthless piece of garbage.

    Anyway, if you feel like reading it, here it is, both my therapist and my psychiatrist received this, I don't know what else to say to them, that is why I am done talking, I am going to go out and get what I need and just fucking end it:

    What is this part of me that has a grasp on me and is dragging me straight to hell? There is this voice in my head that only wants to think about how, when and where I am going to die. It's bordering on an obsession. An enormous weight, so relentless in it's argument, pleading with me; and resisting it is a constant battle, it feels awful when something deep inside of you is insistent on killing you. And I feel weak, like this parasite is sucking all the life out of me, drained, afraid to rest because someone has to protect me from me. I don't think it's supposed to be like this 24/7, I used to get a break, now there hasn't been a reprieve in weeks. Im scared, exhausted and dread the morning, because this fight with this demonic force is going to begin again as soon as I open my eyes. I tell it to go away, to leave me the hell alone, i tell it is wrong, i listen to what you say, I try to combat the endless chatter that keeps telling me I don't belong here, that I need to kill myself, it's not even a question of whether i want to or not, it just keeps telling me that this is the way it's supposed to be. I think that is why dreaming about the future has become so hard, so painful, so empty, i can't see anything, it's just this void, black, dark, nothingness. It's why I tried overdosing last week, and it's why I will probably try again.
     
  6. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    :hug: I hope you stay.
     
  7. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    When people write like that they tend to just be venting... So others might not take them so seriously and figure "he's just letting off some steam". If you were more direct and less poetic it would probably have a greater impact and they might think you were serious?
    IDK, just my opinion.
     
  8. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    What should I tell them? I want help, but I seem incapable of getting it. I don't know what to do, or how to be heard.
     
  9. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    Just be direct and leave out all the bells and whistles and get to the point. "I'm gonna kill myself. I need help" I think that makes a much bigger statement and grabs more attention than what you wrote.
    Otherwise it kind of looks like you're writing a poem or something, or just thinking about your feelings and not actually asking for help.
    IDK, but this is how I feel anyway
     
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    please sweetie, listen to loner

    tell the doctor directly so there is no room for misinterpretation

    :hug:
     
  11. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I left them both a voicemail and I was direct as I can be, I will give it one more day, if nothing changes, then I am done.
     
  12. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    You're not done. Make them listen.
     
  13. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    ....anyone home?
     
  14. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    god, it still hurts like hell, fuck. I just want to disappear.
     
  15. yogurt

    yogurt Active Member

    Hello. Please find someone who will take you seriously. I don't know where you live but emergency services can help. If you are in the US you can walk into an emergency room and tell them you are suicidal. They have to help you.

    *hug*
     
  16. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    I don't know if anyone overstepped their bounds, but I found out that you reached out. And that's GOOD.

    Unfortunately, it's probably not going to get magically better overnight. Hang in there.
     
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