Giving up...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Endlessagony, Jul 25, 2010.

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  1. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I'm in a complete dead end right now. My whole life I've been through pain and suffering but I've always had dreams and hopes of a better future but now the darkness that's been building up inside me has come to it's brink. I really want to die right now, just to stop this torment. It's become so bad I can't stomach it any longer, I've been through therapy and counseling both of which haven't helped me one bit.

    I can't escape the fact that my real plight is the evil of us humans, not anything else. God knows I gave everything I had foolishly believing that good acts will triumph over bad. The only thing that will triumph is selfishness and ignorance.
    I've even had dark, dark thoughts about violence towards others and I've just come to the same conclusion... I'm not a violent person, I just can't stand the way I'm feeling anymore.

    Right now I'm artificially keeping myself alive by drinking everyday, nothing like some good old alcohol to numb yourself.
     
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Please don't give up! Things may be intense right now but they can get better. Of course for things to get better you have to work at them. It will be hard but it will be worth it. What is going on right now that has you feeling like this?? Im here if you need to talk! :hug:
     
  3. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I know the feeling. Trust me, I do. :sad:

    I keep on trying, though. To find happiness. I recommend you do the same.
     
  4. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Well yeah, there's a lot of badness. Let's face it. lol But it's not ALL bad. There is goodness too. Don't forget that. You should avoid becoming cynical.
     
  5. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    My relationship with my 8-year long partner recently turned to dust.
    I love her more than anything (at least I did) but turns out she's been lying to me for a long time. According to her she's been with me because of convenience, not because she was madly in love or anything (though it sure seemed like that). Now I found out she's been cheating on me, and that it's not even the first guy. Also it's started to dawn on me how much she has emotionally abused me all these years. There was a time when I wasn't even allowed to see my friends because she had issues.

    Of course I've had issues myself and it isn't fair to just blame everything on her but the main difference is I've always tried to deal with them, and I've always apologized to her if I've behaved badly. I just can't fathom how she could be so cold, and still she is with me after all the hurtful things she said.

    I know I should've done something about this myself, that's what everyone says to me. I just believed her when she said she'll be with me forever, it seemed worth it having someone by your side.

    This isn't the only thing haunting me but it has pretty much put the final nail in the coffin. I'm a complete train wreck right now, I have no idea how to get out of this.
     
  6. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I'm just finding that somewhat impossible right now. I used to think positively, I really did. Despite everything I'd experienced I saw the best in people, can't say that anymore.
     
  7. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Don't make an emotional decision. Get rest. Then sit down and think about things with a clear head. This would be my advice to you. Things may have gone wrong and you've been hurt but there's a new day which awaits you. You can start over. This time having gained wisdom from your past experiences.

    Use your experiences to improve your life. Don't let your experiences be your downfall.
     
  8. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your advice, my whole problem kinda is my emotions. I can't get over these dark feelings, no matter what. Yeah I can go to sleep but when I wake up I'm tormented by the same feelings. I've tried different meds but I got no help from them, the only thing that easens my pain is alcohol.

    I've started over from scratch a few times before but I just don't feel I have it in me anymore. I'm sorry I'm just overrun by this thing.
    I'm ashamed to say that if I had an easy way of killing myself I would have taken it, I'm just too much of a chicken to do it.
     
  9. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Hold up someone is adressing me in real life. I'll be back later, ok?
     
  10. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    I'm back. Let me read your last reply again...
     
  11. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I'm no fan of meds either. I've had meds for a short while but they made me feel tremendously weird. And not in a good way. :sad:

    All these bad feelings are due to many things. You can take away causes of stress which can help things to a large degree. Other reasons may be the fact that you have to process these experiences. But you can only do so much, I think. Sometimes time is the only healer. And you should try to focus on positive things. A holiday would be a good idea, as well. Just being away from home for a while can help... A change of scenery.

    You have to look for positive things to do. Constructive things. Let go of what you can't change and move on when you're ready.

    Well, you have to find ways to recharge your battery. :) Like I said a holiday could be a good idea to do this. But yeah, starting over is easier said than done. Especially when you've been hurt and you perhaps don't trust people as much anymore. I've been in a similar situation. But I figured if all these people I see around me can be happy...so could I! :)

    Just take it easy man. Try to remain positive and focussed and it will probably work out.
     
  12. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Thanks for taking the time to read my posts and reply. I really want to believe in a better tomorrow but I'm hopelessly stuck in this it seems. I own this apartment together with my girlfriend (we have a mortgage together) and I don't have anywhere else I could live. What's worse we work at the same place and share a lot of the same friends. Everything I have is somehow bound to this person and it would take a lot of strength to leave right now, something which I don't have.

    Everything seems so blurry right now I cant even write a cohesive post about my situation.
     
  13. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Wow that is a difficult situation. More common than you might think, though. I hear about this all the time. This woman where I work is in her thirties and she's living with her parents now because she broke up with her boyfriend, for instance.

    Anyway, I'm kinda tired at the moment. I'll reply some more tomorrow. :thumbup:
     
  14. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Well, as hard as it may be...you need to leave that woman. You both need to go your seperate ways.

    I guess sometimes things in certain ways have to get WORSE shortly before they can get BETTER. There's really only one option, if you ask me. And that is to move out of that house.

    What's the worst that can happen in terms of housing? And even that is temporary, isn't it? Even if you end up in an apartment...you'll be a happier and healthier person.
     
  15. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    And if any of your friends leave you when you leave her...then they weren't really friends to begin with now were they?
     
  16. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    This is where Yahweh and his word has helped me. Imagine you buy an awesome piece of furniture and it is beautifully painted. So you take it home and are curious as to what is underneath. So you buy paint thinner, and slowly begin to strip away the paint only to reveal that the furniture itself was beautiful without all of the paint in the first place.
    Ok now look at the furniture as you, and the paint thinner is Yahweh's word [bible], Yahweh made you perfect the way you are, but the ways of this world had painted you and convinced you that you are the paint, and made it to where you could not show the world your true beauty. His word, with his guidance strips away the lies to help you discover what is underneath. The origional design.
    You know there is good underneath, but you cannot reach it. I know what helped me, and I am now allowed to shine the true me. It took time, but it was a rewarding effort to rediscover who I am underneath all of the lies, and conditioning. Hope this helps. Blessings..
     
  17. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    The big problem is mortgage, we have to sell the place to get rid of our debt. There's no way I can afford to pay it alone or to pay half of it plus rent somewhere else. Where to find the resources for this? I'm so weak right now, so very weak.
     
  18. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Thank you, those are some beautiful thoughts. I'm trying even amidst this pain and fear to better myself and to see past this darkness. I know what you mean, I can understand it but I cannot feel it.
     
  19. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I personally find prayer in Yahweh to help in any situation I need him in. Fear sounds like it is holding you back, but the truth is you have to just do things you do not like in this life. Have faith that it will work out. Otherwise you are going to be stuck and miserable. There is only one way to go from here and that is forward. :hug: Blessings..
     
  20. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    I agree with the above.
     
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