giving up

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by poisonedresistance, May 16, 2011.

  1. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Ok, well 2 years ago i suffered a misscarrage and since then my health has just gone to pot. at first the doctor warned to say away from red meat due to me being unable to process the protiens properly, my body chemistry was out of whack and my hormones where all over the place, i tried but this was almost impossible. then last summer i was diagnosed as celiac and told my thyroid was underactive to point of collapse and i would be on drugs for the rest of my life and had to avoid wheat and gluten. I was sick and tired of being told what to do and what to eat at this point, i was crashing if im honest and i gave up, i ate what i wanted and i paid the price, my weight became unstable and rose dramatically. now im taking the levothyroxine and trying to follow a diet but without the bread and small amounts of gluten i feel drained and lethargic and it makes me miserable. Ive spoken to my doctor who says that it will take a while for my body to adjust and find a balance but in the meantime I hate myself and this makes me worse. i regularly break the diet and i am finding it impossible to get into a routine. When i told my doctor he sent me to a councilor who asked me a few basic questions, learned i had slit my wrists with intention and started fumbling with forms saying she couldnt deal with me and tried to fob me off with someone else,, i just walked out at this point. I spoke to the nutritionalist and she just gave me a sheet of paper with do's and donts at this point i was so peed off i started smoking, somthing i havent done in 5 years and now im stuck with it.... i know this is making matters worse and makes me feel like shit. i went to a therapist who started hyn, nlp and gea but that has just given me nightmeres-see previous post if interested-. in the meantime works gone to pot, the need for money is crushing me into the floor as im the one who deals with money,from earning to paying the bills, my partner had an affair that i found out about and although its just internet stuff he told this person he loved them and now i feel i cant trust him and everyday i feel like im loosing him and the battle to stay alive. The house is turning to complete shit and i either haven't got to the time to sort it due to work- which i cant stand and it is riping me apart doing it- or i dont have energy and just want to relax after work plus every time i gut the place its just a matter of days before it gets like it again and something else either breaks or gets destroyed. My mum is impossible with money so every bit i get extra i end up giving her as she has my kids at the moment and she needs food electric exc,, i cant see them going without.. its just all too much and I want to give up. I had to sell my motorbike a few years ago to get a car and pay for my test so i could do stuff with the kids and i loved my bike but i needed the car like i said the kids and work, my uncle has given me a bike i can pay for in small increments and normally this wouldnt be a problem but work has pitted off to nothing and im struggling like fuck to get it sorted out. i like the bike but im also scared of it, its been so long since i have ridden and i want to get back into it but lack of money, and my deteriorating health are tearing me up. I NEED SOME HELP and i know i do but the doctor is no use, my mum has enough on her plate and my partner is crashing in his own way, i feel like im trying to hold everything together but its all slipping through my fingers.

    My Vent,,,,,,,,, Today i want to smash somthing
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Right! Go back to your doc and hand him a copy of this post!
    He needs to get you some proper counselling/therapy, so badger the bugger!
    Can you change your job?
    Partner...hmmm, how much do you want to stay with him?
     
  3. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    i do love him but im not convinced its going to go anywhere. we have no future plans, he doesnt want to make any. He says he loves me but everytime he gets pissed off the first thing in thrown in there i that he is isnt happy and wants to leave. Its true, he isnt happy, i know that but i cant keep doing what im doing as i feel im the only one contributing. He has started to make a bit of effort in the house but everythings always so slow and I know he doesnt care about it, he does it to shut me up.
    I dont trust my doctor now, he just wants to fob me off, he see's my past and jsut isnt interested if im honest,all they do is prescribe pills which i have desire to start taking. and before you say change doctors it took me 6 months to get registerd here as we are so rural and i cannot go the other practice that covers where i live as its my ex husbands doctors and his family.
    Work is work, i hate it, i love the driving aspect of it but nothing else. i need to be self employed due to my history, it would be impossible to get a job so i get by the best way i can, im just sick of doing it all on my own.
    thanks for replying to my vent though,, i know it can be draining reading all that crap
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Well if you're feeling trapped with your doc, is it a group practice where you can change docs in house, so to speak.
    Are you worried about bumping into your ex with the other doc surgery, or worried that your stuff won't be kept confidential?

    Relationship sounds like its hit a rocky patch, but it takes two to fix, maybe a straight out honest conversation is needed.
    All well and good him saying he's not happy, how about giving a shit how you feel!

    Welcome to the forum btw, at least here you will get some support and be listened to. :smile:
     
  5. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Thanks again for listening. Changing in house is probably my best idea, i could do with a female doctor to be honest the guys are older and just miserable and dont really care, probably just sick of listening to shit like this to be honest.
    i dont want to bump into my ex or any of his family. he went to prison for having sex with an underage girl,, i trashed my life cause i cared about him, she said he rapped her, but i caught them, there was no rape , they were in bed together. he would have go 14 years if i hadnt have said i knew about it, made me an acomplice and i got a year, hence the job problems. i know now it was a mistake and he should have been there alone but i cant change the past.
    As for my new fella, i do love him, he has his own problems that he is working out and i hate complaining about him as he is lovely, and generally makes me happy. I would love to make future plans and know i have a future with him, i want him to be happy but i cannot make the same mistake twice, i cant destroy myself inorder to help him,,, it sounds selfish and cruel and i know im pathetic for moaning and most days i dont feel this bad and i can deal with it but i want to be happy aswell. I just want to see a future for myself and at the moment i cant.