giving up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by justgivealittle, Apr 20, 2012.

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  1. Hello everyone! My name is Martina and I'm new to this site. I have been dealing with bipolar disorder, Borderline Personality disorder, Post Traumatic Stress disorder(from multiple rapes) and an eating disorder(mostly on the anorexic side) anyway I can't take all this stress that is going on. One of the anniversaries of my rape is Monday and I have been breaking down for the past week. I was hospitalized for a month for a suicide attempt and am having thoughts of suicide and don't know what to do. My fiance' is really supportive of me but wants to commit suicide himself and so its hard. My mom knows whats going on, my community support worker knows and so does my psychiatrist but they haven't done anything. I have a feeling they will put me back in the hospital, as well as my fiance' because we made this "death pact" which he really wants to go through with and so do I. I don't know what to do.... any support would be encouraged.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun do what is right for your fiance and you okay go to hospital get the help you both deserve Please stay safe for You and your family hugs
     
  3. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Total eclispe is right hospital will be a safe haven for both of you especially if monday is really going to trigger you.I really feel for you as rape should never happen and is one of those things that sicken me as been i was abused for years myself two different things but similar.Please take care and keep reaching out here as well as you will find support.
     
  4. Thank you guys for your replies! I went out with my mom and brother tonight to run some errands and get my phone turned on etc... and that felt good but now that I'm back at my place of residence, the feelings are creeping back up.... well honestly they never went away. I really don't want to be hospitalized but I think that my community support worker is going to do it. I don't know... I just feel like crying and giving up and having another attempt and hoping it works. My fiance' and I are going to hang out tomorrow and sunday and I'll see him Monday and I don't know... I'm just tired of this crap. I am tired of my bipolar episodes(I go from mania to depression ALL the time. I'm never really "flatlined") I'm tired of the borderline personality stuff because I feel like I have so many stormy relationships plus my anger is just out of whack ALL the time. And I'm tired of the PTSD. I hate going to sleep because I have nightmares constantly about my rapes. Lately they have been about the anniversary that's coming up Monday, as well as the one that happened in October. Also, for the past few nights I have been dreaming that my fiance' and I actually went through with our pact and committed suicide and I don't know. When I wake up from the suicidal dream, I feel like its the right thing to do. The PTSD stuff just makes me cry. and I feel bad because I feel I'm neglecting my fiance' because I can't even have an intimate relationship with him. He tries to hold my hand or put his hand on my back or my leg or anything and I flinch and freak out! I've told him before to "get the f*** away from me because you are going to rape me." and I know that hurt his feelings. He has never done anything to me like that before and he has PTSD from the same things yet I feel afraid of guys in general. I don't know... I feel I treat him horribly and he can do better than me and that I'm a failure and I shouldn't be around... yet he feels he shouldn't be around. He says its because of his family and the way they treat him but I truly wonder if its because of me. I just feel like crap. *sigh*.... but I see at the same time what you all are saying.
     
  5. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Sounds like getting out helps a bit could you do a bit more of that like going out for a coffee etc is there any social group you guys can join just so your out and taking your mind off things for a while sorry youve prob done all this just just suggesting a few things hope it helps.
     
  6. yeah getting out did help a little bit but I still feel like crap. The only reason I had a good time tonight is that my family didn't mention anything about my plans BUT my family was getting in to an argument today and I freaked a little bit. I don't know what to do. Thanks for the suggestions though!
     
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