I stopped looking in the mirror six months ago. I thought avoiding one of the three things that made me depressed would make me feel better, but if anything, it’s only made things worse. I’ve been housebound on and off for eight years and I have absolutely no friends – online and offline. I’ve been socially impaired for most of my life. Things got progressively worse after I started home schooling. Now it’s been two years since I graduated. I feel like I'm jogging in place while most people my age are moving forward. I feel trapped. There’s nothing I could say or do to convince my family to get me help. We don’t have insurance and we’re in debt anyway. And why should I fight so hard to do something they’re so adamantly against when I barely have the strength to get up each day? I’m tired of being a failure and a burden to my parents. I don't know how to articulate how I feel or what I'm going through and I think even if I could, they'd never understand. There's so many things my mother has done to me that she's never going to be able to face. It's so shocking how she doesn't remember abusing me. I wish I had someone else to talk to about this... someone that would not accuse me of lying, someone that would let me get this shit off my chest without telling me that I'm dwelling on the past. The past is what made me the person I am today. How can I avoid it? I try to avoid it every single day, but the aftermath of the words and things she did to me still sticks in my subconscious. I’ve spent so many years trying to help myself. I can’t do this on my own anymore, but there’s no one willing to listen or help me. I derive absolutely no pleasure from life. And in my family I’m not even allowed to cry without starting an argument. It's not considerate to cry. I’ve tried every suggestion in the book and yet I always end up back here -- alone, socially impaired, and hating my body ten times worse than I did before. I’m literally trapped, physically and mentally, and there’s nothing else to do. I'm tired of living my life this way. I am so fucking tired.