Glad I found you

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by adamblast, Nov 6, 2010.

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  1. adamblast

    adamblast Member

    This looks like a good place. There's no one among my friends or family that I can be frank with about my suicidal feelings. At least I have family and friends.

    Hard to know where to start, or how much to say in a "hello" message. I'm a 51 year-old gay man, living in a small and remote California town, and have been struggling with fairly severe depression and other mental health issues my whole life.

    After a pair of attempts about 25 years ago, I promised myself that I wouldn't kill myself until my parents died. I'm still waiting. I just want to ruffle as few feathers as possible when I pass. Now my Mom has Alzheimer's, and I'm starting to realize that *she* was really the only one I was desperately afraid of hurting. I'm starting to rationalize that my Dad and sister will get along just fine in the long run.

    It's raining today. I wouldn't say I'm in immediate crisis, but I am losing the sense of obligation that has kept me alive. I generally feel like the whole world either ignores or hates me, and rightly so. My life has been a failure, and I just want to go away quietly. It takes me a day or two to be able to leave my house for any reason.

    There are no professional services here. I live in poverty, at least enough so that can't afford to fix my car, get help for my toothache or get simple medical help for myself or my dog, let alone therapy. I've had plenty of therapy in the past, anyway. I'm hoping that having a place like this provides some relief. Thanks again for being here.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi sound quite compassionate and insightful...a worthy combination...glad you found us too...we can use someone who cares as you do...sorry things are so rough but know there are many people here who can relate...welcome again and I hope you find the support and caring you are seeking...big hugs, J
  3. Decode

    Decode Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry i live elsewhere so can't offer advice on help in your area. Just wanted to say hi.
  4. DeepEmz

    DeepEmz Well-Known Member

    Welcome Adam.

    There is always somebody here if you need a chat.
  5. adamblast

    adamblast Member

    Thanks for the kind welcomes. I've never done chatting or IM, it's too immediate, like feeling tongue-tied over the phone... I can write well, with patience, but I don't talk well. Damn self-consciousness.

    And now I'm reminded of the joke in Annie Hall where Woody walks up to a happy couple on the street and asks them for their secret. With beaming smiles, they answer something like: "We're shallow and empty, without an idea in our heads!" Sounds wonderful sometimes.
  6. DeepEmz

    DeepEmz Well-Known Member

    Thats ok, we would never push you. You take your time to settle in and when you feel comfatable im sure you will be ok opening up a little more.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums Adam!!
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