Gloomy Sundays and Motion Picture Soundtracks

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Katerinna, Aug 17, 2006.

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  1. Katerinna

    Katerinna Active Member

    I have posted here quite a bit recently and I am falling apart. My close brush with death is in the after effects forum (hanging) and I think I will do this again in a couple days. Life feels so empty and I have a mindless retail job though I have a degree. I want to teach english overseas and then persue professorship or become a Japanese teacher.

    I happen to be a transgendered girl. Luckily, I was born with a very female figure and with hormones, I look very much like a meek, shy kinda cute bookworm girl, almost fragile. Though my family is very open, they are unable to accept this. I have dealt with much discrimination. On my way home today, someone tried to throw a drink on me and called me an f'ing f*&#$t queer.

    I am extremely depressed and have huge social anxiety. At work I repeat the same phrases like a trained parrot and do the same things. There is a guy who had his whole life go well and brags to me about how he just got into grad school. Growing up, I felt broken. I always saw myself as a shy girl but teachers kept dividing up the class based on lines of sex, whether for water fountain, gym, or battle of sexes test reviews. I was always put on the boyside which made me feel awful.

    Today, I was pulled aside at work because everyone is annoyed and tired of me being depressed. The manager expressed how they bent over backwards to accept my situation. 'we can just go back to calling you by your boy name' The thing is I am beyond clinically depressed, I am suicidal and each day now feels like torture. I can't keep feigning happiness at a job for most of the week. My depression is just considerened unprofessional, just being an attention seeker, (I cry during break sometimes) and it bothers other coworkers since I should be all lalala. I have to deal with losing my family whom I love, daily discrimination, and just general loneliness.

    I know everyone will say well keep working toward being a teacher. I do tutoring and volunteer work, but people like to tell me how since I am transgendered my dreams will be dashed. I can't handle this horrible job that makes me feel like a failure while having to hear this guy brag about everything. No therapists seem to help. ... I have tried hanging and though it was scary, I almost did die.

    Finally I am me but I feel like such a failure in life. I have a degree and I am asking people if it will be debit or credit. I am very nice and sweet, but now I am becoming bitter and heartless thanks to mean customers and thankless, pointless job. I have horrible fear of people which seems to go away when I am teaching. I feel too depressed to study for the graduate school test, research graduate schools, apply to teach overseas or due more volunteer work, all i do is sleep.

    cries........... help....
    I tried a crisis line and girl didn't know much about tg stuff and thought my problem was insignificent telling me how others had it worse. I have helped many who were suicidal and some say I am an inspiration to them, but then when I am depressed.... I am just a nuisance to everyone.

    Gloomy Sunday is reference to the infamous suicide song, so beautifullly sad that a third stanza about maybe it was all a dream was added to curb the despair of the song. I like the song, might be the one I will listen to when I go.
  2. Raven

    Raven Guest

    Sadly this is a part of life that you will have to come to terms with, you have to understand theirs a lot of people that that do not and never will understand. Theirs also the people out their that just simply hate things that they do not see as normal. I am not saying its right it is sadly how the world is. Just know that there are people out their that understand and not everyone is like that.

    Theirs a lot of us that spend out time at work repeating the same old phrases over and over again. I know few people that come into work because they love their jobs, most do it to pay the bills. I doubt that few people would keep their jobs if they had enough money to quit, we do the things we hate to pay the bills. And just because one person got luck and was able to do something really neat with his life do not let them get you down. It would be nice if we were all able to have our dreams come to us, sometimes that just does not happen and it is up to us to keep fighting to make our hopes come to life. It is not an easy road and sometimes its not a fair road but in the end I truly believe that with enough hard work we can fulfill most of our desires, it just takes a little longer.

    And again I will repeat myself, theirs a lot of people that just do not understand something if it is not the norm, they are unable to see how things that they might find un troubling to them can tear another person apart. Do not think of yourself as a failure for other people inability to understand you situation. I know that retail sucks and that it is one of the worst things that a person could do especially when they are depressed. That does not however mean that you are a failure, and I will ask you not to listen to those people that sit and say that just because of being transgender that all of your dreams will come to nothing. They really do not know what they are talking about, things change, people grow, and maybe one day society will throw away all of the stupid and archaic definitions of people such as this and realize that it is not what lies on the outside but what is one the inside that truly makes a person. Please do not allow others to make the choice on your life, that is up to you and you should make it, do not listen to the people that say you will fail. The only true way to tell on if you can make it or not is if you try, that is all I am hoping you will do is try.

  3. Katerinna

    Katerinna Active Member

    Thank you for replying Raven. It seems as though no one else has anything to say, cries. Therapists and even suicide prevention lines aren't much help. It doesn't help that I have new rope that I used in my last attempt just sitting in my room, waiting and waiting...
  4. deathdomepart

    deathdomepart Active Member

    just keep going and i think you should quit that job and find a new one. i hope you reach your dreams

    charlotte xxxx
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