I have posted here quite a bit recently and I am falling apart. My close brush with death is in the after effects forum (hanging) and I think I will do this again in a couple days. Life feels so empty and I have a mindless retail job though I have a degree. I want to teach english overseas and then persue professorship or become a Japanese teacher. I happen to be a transgendered girl. Luckily, I was born with a very female figure and with hormones, I look very much like a meek, shy kinda cute bookworm girl, almost fragile. Though my family is very open, they are unable to accept this. I have dealt with much discrimination. On my way home today, someone tried to throw a drink on me and called me an f'ing f*&#$t queer. I am extremely depressed and have huge social anxiety. At work I repeat the same phrases like a trained parrot and do the same things. There is a guy who had his whole life go well and brags to me about how he just got into grad school. Growing up, I felt broken. I always saw myself as a shy girl but teachers kept dividing up the class based on lines of sex, whether for water fountain, gym, or battle of sexes test reviews. I was always put on the boyside which made me feel awful. Today, I was pulled aside at work because everyone is annoyed and tired of me being depressed. The manager expressed how they bent over backwards to accept my situation. 'we can just go back to calling you by your boy name' The thing is I am beyond clinically depressed, I am suicidal and each day now feels like torture. I can't keep feigning happiness at a job for most of the week. My depression is just considerened unprofessional, just being an attention seeker, (I cry during break sometimes) and it bothers other coworkers since I should be all lalala. I have to deal with losing my family whom I love, daily discrimination, and just general loneliness. I know everyone will say well keep working toward being a teacher. I do tutoring and volunteer work, but people like to tell me how since I am transgendered my dreams will be dashed. I can't handle this horrible job that makes me feel like a failure while having to hear this guy brag about everything. No therapists seem to help. ... I have tried hanging and though it was scary, I almost did die. Finally I am me but I feel like such a failure in life. I have a degree and I am asking people if it will be debit or credit. I am very nice and sweet, but now I am becoming bitter and heartless thanks to mean customers and thankless, pointless job. I have horrible fear of people which seems to go away when I am teaching. I feel too depressed to study for the graduate school test, research graduate schools, apply to teach overseas or due more volunteer work, all i do is sleep. cries........... help.... I tried a crisis line and girl didn't know much about tg stuff and thought my problem was insignificent telling me how others had it worse. I have helped many who were suicidal and some say I am an inspiration to them, but then when I am depressed.... I am just a nuisance to everyone. Gloomy Sunday is reference to the infamous suicide song, so beautifullly sad that a third stanza about maybe it was all a dream was added to curb the despair of the song. I like the song, might be the one I will listen to when I go.