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go away!!

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leave me alone... go away. i'm sick of hearing those same words, over and over. its slowly driving me insane, and i'm probably already going insane as it is from lack of sleep. so i'm still sleep deprived... both ways because i dont want the nightmares but i still want to get some decent rest. i cant keep only getting hardly any sleep each night, people will notice and they are starting to notice. they're starting to notice that i'm badly tired... some of them are pinning it onto a bad attitude and then others are trying to convince me i need to get to bed early. i KNOW i need to get more sleep, before i go crazy with all the stuff i have to get done nowadays but i dont want the nightmares. cant i just have dreamless sleep for once? even just a few hours would help me get whats left of my sanity back. please? just please? i dont want to wake up again and find that i've kicked off all the sheets because i got scared.

its fucking affecting everything now, how i think and act, i cant think straight and its showing badly. i cant even talk to my friends without getting confused about who is who, and i'm confusing my left and right. i cant even run the usual in aths training without feeling completely bombed out after. i'm all uncoordinated when i do triple jump. i confuse all my piano scales and i cant remember even basic stuff i learnt in jap that i'd usually remember.

i snap at people and basically am bad tempered. i hardly talk if i can help it. i never did for starters and even tonight for example i only said a handful of words to dad. i need to take better care of myself, its not as if anyone else is, but when it comes down to it do i really deserve it? no, i didnt think so either.

i dont deserve to be cared for, my parents have proved that enough. i love them both but they dont deserve to be stuck with someone like me for a daughter. and so some people think i have every reason to succeed. so maybe i do. but then you have to look at it this way too: i also have every reason to fail too.

i hate this grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr leave me alone
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