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GO! Bananaz!

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Hi, I joined a few days ago, but read far to much when i first logged in & got even more depressed & i also had a massive attack of C.B.A (Cant Be Assed). As its a good day (for a change) i have decided to make the effort & try to give you, a sort of, an idea of what i'm about.
I'm Jay.....I'm an ex junkie & an ex alcoholic.....i have been clean for the length of time that i have been a blood donor (3 years). I am also now a bone marrow donor...should i ever be called up as a match.
I do still drink, sometimes really binge drink.....but that is normally a trigger that i try to avoid....
My drinking is a tenth, what is was 5 years ago & 90% of the time, i choose to leave the club/boozer when i have had enough....or can feel myself having an episode (or of course if ive pulled......not very often)
I am a manic depressive & i also have Bi-polar disorders, non of which are drug side effects....its a gene thing...so yup even tho i'm like this...i still blame my parents....
I hate them for many many more reasons than i wish to tell you about at this moment in time. All i will say is that i have a younger brother, who is just like me, but will alway crap on ppl on the way up......& expects me to be there when he needs help on his way down.
I last saw him 1 year ago.
I have an older sister (5 yrs older)......She is the worst...she is my parents & family all roled into one big steaming pile of pants.....I last saw her.....12 years ago.....
My parents??? omg...not good...all i can say is that they had 3 children....& all 3 of us have divorced them...i was the last to do it 2 years ago.
I actually dont miss my family at all, as i have always really been a sort of loner & am happier not to have the huge family nightmares of misunderstandings that normally occur. (yup spelling is awful aint it! lol)
I'm 34 this year & must say...that i have defo had an up hill paper round damit! I have been in & out of hospital for a few years (last time was 3 years ago) & have come to realise that have always been Bi-polar & a manic & always will...it just takes time to learn one's self & avoid the triggers....Easier said than done....i only get it right 70% of the time.....which was better than 6-7 years ago when i didnt have a dam clue what the hell was wrong with my narna head.
I'm learning...slowly....& i do know 100% that places like this can help you shit loads! ...Dont knock it till you at least try....
I've jumped out of windows....I've injected bleech! i've taken 18 over doeses & died 3 times.....Medics aaaaaaaaargh they dam good....But...as i see it....
it aint my time to go......there is something i'm here for...i just aint found it yet!
I'm a carpenter & was lecturing in college at the age of 22. I was brought up in house rennovation (Dad) as a kid...so its in the blood...but oh god what a totally shite job!

But with that job....comes money.....but with a crap job.....comes boredom....when boredom sets in...ya go to drink etc.....
I have done boat building, antique restoration, shop fitting, first fix, second fix, & also teaching.......What a steaming pile of pants!.
I last worked in 2000....now about to retrain as an autocad designer & pc engineer....(only had a PC for 3 years) but enjoy it to the max & have a better gift for it the poxy wood!
Am i lonely? after 2 wives & many gold diggers? HELL YEAH! When did i last think of suicide? an hour ago.....When did i last try???? 1st of feb (& got arrested under the mental health act for trespassing on the train tracks). Stress level were awfully high that day....cos i had spent too long trying to help an friend (now an ex) & they kept draining me.....
Oh well, life will change......but only you can change it!
Tomorrow may be a bad day for me...but i do know, that ppl need to know that we come back...even on a good day!
Thank you for allowing me to join here & i hope i can be of some help....or mostly......just a narna!

This life must be a test.....cos if it was the real thing, we would have been given better fuckin instructions!

:welcome: to the forum bananaz. Yhank you for taking the time to post about yourself and all that has gone on in your life. It helps us to understand you better. Through all your difficulties it sems as if you are very aware of yourself and what you need to do. I am glad you chose to join us. I hope we can offer support to you should you need it , and also gain from your experiences. Take care and stay safe. :hug:
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