Hi, I joined a few days ago, but read far to much when i first logged in & got even more depressed & i also had a massive attack of C.B.A (Cant Be Assed). As its a good day (for a change) i have decided to make the effort & try to give you, a sort of, an idea of what i'm about. I'm Jay.....I'm an ex junkie & an ex alcoholic.....i have been clean for the length of time that i have been a blood donor (3 years). I am also now a bone marrow donor...should i ever be called up as a match. I do still drink, sometimes really binge drink.....but that is normally a trigger that i try to avoid.... My drinking is a tenth, what is was 5 years ago & 90% of the time, i choose to leave the club/boozer when i have had enough....or can feel myself having an episode (or of course if ive pulled......not very often) I am a manic depressive & i also have Bi-polar disorders, non of which are drug side effects....its a gene thing...so yup even tho i'm like this...i still blame my parents.... I hate them for many many more reasons than i wish to tell you about at this moment in time. All i will say is that i have a younger brother, who is just like me, but will alway crap on ppl on the way up......& expects me to be there when he needs help on his way down. I last saw him 1 year ago. I have an older sister (5 yrs older)......She is the worst...she is my parents & family all roled into one big steaming pile of pants.....I last saw her.....12 years ago..... My parents??? omg...not good...all i can say is that they had 3 children....& all 3 of us have divorced them...i was the last to do it 2 years ago. I actually dont miss my family at all, as i have always really been a sort of loner & am happier not to have the huge family nightmares of misunderstandings that normally occur. (yup spelling is awful aint it! lol) I'm 34 this year & must say...that i have defo had an up hill paper round damit! I have been in & out of hospital for a few years (last time was 3 years ago) & have come to realise that have always been Bi-polar & a manic & always will...it just takes time to learn one's self & avoid the triggers....Easier said than done....i only get it right 70% of the time.....which was better than 6-7 years ago when i didnt have a dam clue what the hell was wrong with my narna head. I'm learning...slowly....& i do know 100% that places like this can help you shit loads! ...Dont knock it till you at least try.... I've jumped out of windows....I've injected bleech! i've taken 18 over doeses & died 3 times.....Medics aaaaaaaaargh they dam good....But...as i see it.... it aint my time to go......there is something i'm here for...i just aint found it yet! I'm a carpenter & was lecturing in college at the age of 22. I was brought up in house rennovation (Dad) as a kid...so its in the blood...but oh god what a totally shite job! But with that job....comes money.....but with a crap job.....comes boredom....when boredom sets in...ya go to drink etc..... I have done boat building, antique restoration, shop fitting, first fix, second fix, & also teaching.......What a steaming pile of pants!. I last worked in 2000....now about to retrain as an autocad designer & pc engineer....(only had a PC for 3 years) but enjoy it to the max & have a better gift for it the poxy wood! Am i lonely? after 2 wives & many gold diggers? HELL YEAH! When did i last think of suicide? an hour ago.....When did i last try???? 1st of feb (& got arrested under the mental health act for trespassing on the train tracks). Stress level were awfully high that day....cos i had spent too long trying to help an friend (now an ex) & they kept draining me..... Oh well, life will change......but only you can change it! Tomorrow may be a bad day for me...but i do know, that ppl need to know that we come back...even on a good day! Thank you for allowing me to join here & i hope i can be of some help....or mostly......just a narna! This life must be a test.....cos if it was the real thing, we would have been given better fuckin instructions!