Go in to work or die?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Hazel Morse, Oct 8, 2015.

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  1. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Please, I know this seems trivial (and excuse me if my tone seems flippant, it's the only thing keeping me from doing something desperate), but I need some advice, and I have no family nor any friends, and my psychologist lives in a different country.

    I am Australian who works at The Worst International School in the World (I'm not even kidding, I've met people around the world in random places like the Taj Mahal who have heard of us and told me this) in the Worst Country Ever. I'm pretty much exiled here because I tried to commit suicide 7 years ago when
    • A) my fiance walked out of our flat, taking all my stuff, never giving me a reason as to why he broke up with me (as if a piece of shit like me deserves an explanation like normal person!)
    • B) the religious school I worked for fired me (basically because A - no p3nis person by my side probably meant I'm gay right?)
    • C) the doctor I was seeing for depression threatened to lock me up in a mental home forever if I didn't give him what he wanted, and the psychiatrist I was seeing (paid for by my step-father) backed him up
    • D) my narcissist step-father told everyone in my family to stop talking to me because I'm a fvcking ingrate for wanting to take my life, my she-hulk abusing adoptive mother backs him up
    • E) I have no friends (literally) because my shitty, abusive upbringing means that I'm terrified of meeting people and when I do meet folks I send off PLEASE ABUSE ME rays that attract dickheads who fuck me over in the worst wys
    Long story short, I ran away and took the first shitty job I was offered here. I've been here for nearly 6 years now and I hate every fvcking second of it. In the last year I finally conquered my fears of mental health professionals (thanks to people here) and got a psychologist, but he lives in Oz and we Skype our sessions.

    Basically I have sort of said I was leaving this job in December and I have until this weekend to confirm; however, I have made no effort to try to seek another position because I'm terrified and because I have two abusers for supervisors this year (they remind me of mum and step-dad in their coordinated human velociraptor attacks on me, actually).

    I have become increasingly depressed these past 2 months, have not done any of my admin work (due today) and have taken 6 of my 10 days off, including yesterday.

    My question - do I just go in in the next two or three hours and say fuck you, I still haven't done any of the stuff I was meant to do by the deadline? Do I stay I at home and try to get stuff done (hasn't worked before)? Do I stay at home for good and just research ways to end my pain?

    Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this or replies - I'm just rubbish at decisions.
     
  2. solarflare

    solarflare Well-Known Member

    No idea what to say as I'm scared anything I might say might be the wrong one but I am curious to see what you decided, let us know please.
     
  3. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    I honestly don't know either - it's 6.40 and I think I'm going to stay out but then I think to go in... I have no idea - I need to make the call ASAP.

    I think I'll go in. I look pretty sick so maybe they will believe me about not getting the work done.
     
  4. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    I honestly don't know either - it's 6.40 and I think I'm going to stay out but then I think to go in... I have no idea - I need to make the call ASAP.

    I think I'll go in. I look pretty sick so maybe they will believe me about not getting the work done.
    I just don't want to deal with the two abusers at work giving me shit - they manage to sound EXACTLY like my parents and use all the freaking techniques, guilt-tripping me, gas-lighting...I just can't deal with them without practically bursting into tears...
     
  5. solarflare

    solarflare Well-Known Member

    They always tell me to find ways to make my life better instead of finding ways to end my pain since ending your pain doesnt really make your life better. I guess its a good enough cliche to pass on and it makes some sense.

    But dont give in to bullies, I have one at work too and know the feeling. Dont give them the pleasure.
     
  6. Zname

    Zname Member

    I hope i am not giving you bad advice. I had an extremely difficult to work with boss ( i dont think she is mean but cant help herself). Its was humiliating but everyone that sat around me showed me pity because it was dehumanizing as a man to be belitled that like that, but I have wife and kids, i stuck on until i was let go. It was the best thing that happened to me because I ended up working in my current job where in charge of things again, no one second guessing and handing me belittling tasks..yes i had to continually explain my self but I just took the first job that came which is many hours drive away from my home.

    what i am trying to say is there are things that you can control and there are infinitely more things that you cant, so you do what you can to your best ability and the rest is none of your business. stressing over it only makes you less healthy but not improving the problem. sorry if this is stupid. my intention is to help you because i suffered for over a year under a very tough boss that no one else wanted to work for and several left very good positions so I felt that I might understand your pain.
     
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