"Go to a therapist if you want to talk about it"

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jkata, Apr 5, 2016.

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  1. Jkata

    Jkata New Member

    I'm not sure what else to do now. I've been dealing with my depression & anxiety for as long as I can remember, & the older I get, the worse it gets. Four years ago, I was doing everything to push it to the back of my mind & ignore it. I didn't form real relationships with anyone, I wanted no commitments, I drank, smoked, and began to realize that I hated the person I had become. I knew that I had to change something, so I took a trip out of state to see my mom (who I'm not really all that close to. I just needed a change of scenery.) But when I got here, I met someone. Someone who, without trying, without even realizing, brought me back to my senses, and almost made me forget all about my sadness and my anxiety. Never have I been closer to anyone, never have I had what I would call a "real" relationship until he came along. But, of course, depression & anxiety will never just disappear.

    a few months ago, I finally told him about the anxiety issues, because they started to get bad again. He was for the most part supportive. He didn't quite understand it (because no one who doesn't suffer from it could fully understand it.) I really try not to use it as a crutch, but the worse it got, the more I receded into my own little world. I was never really comfortable at family gatherings, because my anxiety skyrockets in social situations. So gradually I didn't go as much. I don't really keep "friends" because they've always been more trouble than they're worth. Then, of course, more and more, my suicidal thoughts crept back in, my depression became a constant, overwhelming presence. I know there are factors leading into this. We want different things out of life. I want a baby, a family of my own, and he's already got two daughters he adopted (both grown now and out of the house) he doesn't want to start over. I understand his side of this.

    I tried to confide in him how I felt. I want these things and don't want to give them up for good. But I also don't want to give him up. I wasn't pushing him to do anything, or to change his mind. He has no idea what he means to me, I wouldn't do that... I just needed to talk. But when I really just needed him to be there for me, to listen to me, and finally let it come out that I have depression, and that I just needed someone to care, and didn't want to feel alone anymore, he told me that if I wanted to talk, to go to a therapist.

    I poured my heart out to him, the only person I really trusted, and was rejected. He basically told me that he didn't care, he was tired of hearing it, that I needed help and meds and to leave him alone. & now, unbeknownst to him, I sit here in constant pain, just doing what I've always done. Putting on a happy face and slowly but surely wanting to die more and more. When I'm alone I do nothing but cry and have panic attacks. I've managed to keep it together at work for the most part. I went to the ER because something in me just gave way and I needed to turn somewhere. I start therapy and probably meds soon but even if this helps I feel betrayed. I love him, I know someone must be wondering why, but please understand he is a good man, and we've had four happy years together. I don't want anyone to think badly of him.

    I've thought of leaving, of course, because I want a baby and to be back home, closer to my family. Right now I'm twelve hours away from them. But the thought of leaving breaks my heart, and I know I don't want to be away from him. Leaving would mean never seeing him again. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to keep hurting but it seems inevitable no matter what I choose I'll be leaving something behind.
     
  2. Jabez

    Jabez Well-Known Member

    Hi Jkata,
    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. It's really hard when the people we love and turn to for support push us away like that. I hope the therapy and meds help, and you can find your way through this with your man. I hope maybe he was just having a bad day, or felt overwhelmed by not knowing how to help, but that he'll be there for you now.
    Maybe you don't need to choose right away? Maybe your therapist will be able to help you think through what is really important to you and what is your anxiety and depression, so that you can make a choice that is right for you in the long term?
    Love and hugs to you. Hang in there. J
     
  3. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    That's a difficult problem you're going Jkata. As you said, unless someone has experienced depression/anxiety it's impossible for them to truly understand how we feel. I find that most really can't handle it, so I basically stopped trying to explain it years ago. His response "go see a therapist" seemed kind of uncaring, although I don't know if that's how it was meant. A relationship(in my opinion) is accepting someone totally, which includes the bad and the good. I do hope you can both work through this. Anxiety/depression effects so many areas of our lives, sorry I can't be of more help, I just wanted to let you know I understand and have empathy for your situation. Take care of yourself and remember you're more than your depression, you're a good and caring person who just wants a relationship and to be happy.
    Brian
     
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry to hear about your situation, but I am happy to hear that you are getting help to deal with these things and I hope it helps you! You deserve to get better.

    I am also sorry for what he said to you; but one positive point I am drawing from it is that he advised you to get help; that shows to me some level of care. It is very difficult to deal with depression and anxiety, but it is also hard to have a loved one who is suffering. I hope it was a bad day for him. I'd say give him a chance and talk about this with your therapist before you give it all up.

    Can I give you an example from my life? I suffer from depression and anxiety and/or un-diagnosed PTSD, my boyfriend has PTSD and when we met he was very depressed and suicidal over his ex's breakup on top of everything... He was so down and it hurt me so much to see him suffer so much. We ended up having a big argument... and I told him something incredible harsh.. "Either you get help or I will never talk to you again"... (I was very depressed myself and I couldn't handle seeing him destroy his own life... and in truth I knew I still would talk to him if he didn't...). He chose to get help. That's over 18 months ago. And we're still together, he's also still in therapy and he often tells me he's happy I 'forced' him to do that... I know it was not the right thing to do... but well, the outcome was good.

    I don't know if you can use my story for anything. But please do be kind to yourself!
     
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Choices we have to make isn't always easy. You have already stated that you and him want different things maybe talking to a Therapist would help you figure it out.
     
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