I'm not sure what else to do now. I've been dealing with my depression & anxiety for as long as I can remember, & the older I get, the worse it gets. Four years ago, I was doing everything to push it to the back of my mind & ignore it. I didn't form real relationships with anyone, I wanted no commitments, I drank, smoked, and began to realize that I hated the person I had become. I knew that I had to change something, so I took a trip out of state to see my mom (who I'm not really all that close to. I just needed a change of scenery.) But when I got here, I met someone. Someone who, without trying, without even realizing, brought me back to my senses, and almost made me forget all about my sadness and my anxiety. Never have I been closer to anyone, never have I had what I would call a "real" relationship until he came along. But, of course, depression & anxiety will never just disappear. a few months ago, I finally told him about the anxiety issues, because they started to get bad again. He was for the most part supportive. He didn't quite understand it (because no one who doesn't suffer from it could fully understand it.) I really try not to use it as a crutch, but the worse it got, the more I receded into my own little world. I was never really comfortable at family gatherings, because my anxiety skyrockets in social situations. So gradually I didn't go as much. I don't really keep "friends" because they've always been more trouble than they're worth. Then, of course, more and more, my suicidal thoughts crept back in, my depression became a constant, overwhelming presence. I know there are factors leading into this. We want different things out of life. I want a baby, a family of my own, and he's already got two daughters he adopted (both grown now and out of the house) he doesn't want to start over. I understand his side of this. I tried to confide in him how I felt. I want these things and don't want to give them up for good. But I also don't want to give him up. I wasn't pushing him to do anything, or to change his mind. He has no idea what he means to me, I wouldn't do that... I just needed to talk. But when I really just needed him to be there for me, to listen to me, and finally let it come out that I have depression, and that I just needed someone to care, and didn't want to feel alone anymore, he told me that if I wanted to talk, to go to a therapist. I poured my heart out to him, the only person I really trusted, and was rejected. He basically told me that he didn't care, he was tired of hearing it, that I needed help and meds and to leave him alone. & now, unbeknownst to him, I sit here in constant pain, just doing what I've always done. Putting on a happy face and slowly but surely wanting to die more and more. When I'm alone I do nothing but cry and have panic attacks. I've managed to keep it together at work for the most part. I went to the ER because something in me just gave way and I needed to turn somewhere. I start therapy and probably meds soon but even if this helps I feel betrayed. I love him, I know someone must be wondering why, but please understand he is a good man, and we've had four happy years together. I don't want anyone to think badly of him. I've thought of leaving, of course, because I want a baby and to be back home, closer to my family. Right now I'm twelve hours away from them. But the thought of leaving breaks my heart, and I know I don't want to be away from him. Leaving would mean never seeing him again. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to keep hurting but it seems inevitable no matter what I choose I'll be leaving something behind.