goal end it now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by J3nny, Sep 19, 2012.

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  1. J3nny

    J3nny Well-Known Member

    every day is the same, i take antidepressant and antipsychotic at night, i wake up at 10 wishing my existence would end 5 minutes later because i know the day will go so slow and each moment will be spent in misery trying to escape laying in my bed all day or sitting up in itum on my laptop. my back hurts, there is a constant pulsing pain that feels like my heart. it beats and pumps moving from my center back to my chest and from side to side. theres no relief from it-doctors wont give me a narcotic better than ibuprophen for it like morphine. when i try to exercise my legs burn intensely like my body is telling me to stop. it doesnt want exercise it wants me to be still but that is boring, i lose interest in anything i do like playing games, chatting, listening to music which is all i do. i watch tv and do music all day every day because that is all i can do. i have no friends except my family. i see a psychiatrist for the medications monthly. i tell them im suicidal but they dont do much beyond talking it out. there isnt much to it really..............beyond saying i want to end my life what is there? some doubt maybe, some hesitation because im leaving behind my family of 6. at this point its worth it, this has been going on for 9 months. not wanting to wake up in the morning and after waking up wishing to fall asleep all day. nothing is fun, no support groups, talking doesnt do much. the day creeps by so slow and the whole time is agony for me because time is not on my side. nothing really seems to get better each day. i think about <edit moderator total eclipse methods> the antidepressant has only made me more depressed. i see no reason to live and i have nothing to live for. dreaming about dying happens and then when i realize im not dead i wish i had the means to do it right now but i dont. i post this but im not asking for help because i know there is nothing people can do. suggestions like go out and do something to get past boredom dont help because i have pain and it would be boring anyways. everything is boring. nothing could convince me to turn off this path to suicide. anways i know tomrrow will just be anything hated day................................................
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun If your medication is not working then time to tell your doc to try newer meds hun I deleted the methods you stated as this is against rules hugs
  3. J3nny

    J3nny Well-Known Member

    ya after 10 months things should be working diffrently :S
  4. Unsung

    Unsung Member

    I feel your pain, I really do.

    And you know, I totally agree that no matter what people have said, and what people will say, it's just not gonna help, you've heard it all before, and it's Not working..

    When I feel down, I tend to look down at my hands, and I just stare at them. It's amazing to think these hands belong to me, I've been given this body with walking limbs, arms to hold anything I want to hold, a body that works and allows me to think and feel.

    To be honest with you my body doesn't work too well, I ache after the tiniest of exercise and I'm at risk of my heart stopping on me at any moment. I used to count the times my heart would stop and I'd pass out, but I've lost count now, it's just numbers, that's all.

    It hurts, and, when I think of those insignificant numbers, I think about all of Us, us as people, humans as a whole, there's so many of us buzzing away, we're like a huge hive of ants, working, working, and working.. And all we can do is just keep going, cause there's no place for those in this world that just want to stop and rest.

    It's cruel, and it's taxing, and no matter how hard we try it seems we just can't get out of this stage, and all of the population is the same.

    I'm not gonna tell you to go out and do things cause you've already heard it. You don't need to hear it from me too.

    I do have one thing I'd you do, and I know we hardly know each other, and it seems all a bit silly, but let's think this through, person to person.

    All I want you to do is just smile, you know that thing? Yeah, do it now. Don't feel stupid about doing it or look at yourself and think that it's useless.

    Look at yourself and realise how beautiful you are, how amazing you can feel, everything is in your control.

    I want you think, and just pretend this was all possible. Okay?

    Your pain, what if it wasn't no Longer pain? What if your pain was a pure feeling of tranquillity, ecstatic bliss. A beautiful sensation running through your body.
    What if that music drove you to think and feel all you ever wanted to feel, pushing you to new limits, pushing you to spread a smile across your face.
    And the family that brought you into this world, and have stayed by your side these long, cold years, they are your pearls, and this is Your World.

    Last thing.

    There was this one time I saw an old man wearing nothing but a trash bag, walking down a busy street, eating an ice cream cone in the pouring rain. People where staring and pointing, looking at this foolish old man acting so strangely, but what I saw was not what they could see, I saw something so beautiful that it made me tear up on the spot. Cause what I could see was a man with a smile on his face and not a care in the world.
  5. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Are you bipolar and off your meds Unsung? You sound kind of manic.
  6. Unsung

    Unsung Member

    Yes, I'm an abomination.
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