god damnit (might trigger i dunno)

[LeaveMeAlone]

well feeling better lasted all of about half an hour. Now i'm laying here feeling shit again, just in despair.

I'm looking at this pill, this one solitary pill that would make me feel like a million bucks. I don't have any problem with taking them, I don't care if it's considered abuse, I don't care if I get addicted, if I'm a happy junky then that's fine by me. The problem is I only have 2 left, and I can't get any more for at least a fortnight, can I justify it? what if I feel even worse tomorrow, or the day after?

I tried taking some of the diazepam I was prescribed earlier, before it's worked ok, but today I just ended up miserable AND dizzy.

This is rediculas, I mean why should I bother continuing when it's so obvious that I'm broken, it's like flogging a dead horse, I mean it's not like I have any meaning or purpose, or a reason to be here, I do nothing all day everyday, I barely even manage to keep myself alive, although the irony being that I am doing, if I stopped taking the insulin I'd probably by dead within a couple of years at the most, geez imagine that, a suicidal person who gives himself regular injections in order to stay alive.

I found out earlier that someone I knew when I was a lot younger had killed himself (not recently, but I just heard about it) but all I can think is if he can do it why can't I?

People commit suicide all the time, what the hell is wrong with me? I don't enjoy suffering like this, and it's not like I have any real hope of getting better, what do I hope I can achieve with my life, I'm seriously in debt, I can't work or study, I hate everyone and everything, the woman I love won't even talk to me, what life can I ever expect to have?

My mum attempted suicide when she was 16 .. I wish she'd succeeded.

 

[LeaveMeAlone]

fuck it, maybe I should just take everything.

 

[Esmeralda]

Don't do anything drastic. I'm here if you want to talk

 

[LeaveMeAlone]

I keep thinking about hanging myself, there are easier and more pleasant ways I could kill myself, but this image of me hanging keeps coming back, I imagine choking and pulling at rope as I change my mind and panic trying to get free, but eventually I start to feel tired and dizzy and I can't fight anymore.

 

[Esmeralda]

Can you pinpoint the nature of your depression, or is it just "there"? I don't mean to sound like Pollyanna here , but as hard as life can be, it really can get better. If you commit suicide, then you are essentially writing a very sad ending to the story of your life. We cannot change certain circumstances, but we can control how we react to them and that really gives us control of our human destiny. It won't be like this forever. Try to hold on.

 

[LeaveMeAlone]

i guess if you want to know more about me then look over some past posts, it's not the first time i've been in this bad place, hell it's probably not even in double digits anymore.

 

[Esmeralda]

Have you read "The myth of Sisyphus" by Albert Camus? It illustrates his view on the meaninglessness of life, but says that true freedom is in realizing the meaninglessness of life and embracing that absurdity. This is true liberty according to Camus. The only way for us to revolt against the absurdity of this life is to embrace it with all its absurdities, knowing that it doesn't matter anyway. Suicide (according to Camus and Sartre) is the giving up of all personal liberty, which, in an absurd and meaningless world, is all we truly have. We must not despair, but revel in and laugh at the absurdity of it all. Only then can we truly conquer this feeling of displacement and hopelessness.