God I Hate U So Much

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by forever_scarred, Apr 30, 2008.

  1. forever_scarred

    forever_scarred Well-Known Member

    It may be a stranger's face
    But I'm praying for Your grace
    To move in me
    And take away the fear
    'Cause somebody's hurting
    Not too far from here
    Help me, Lord
    Not to turn away from pain
    Help me not to rest
    While those around me weep
    Give me Your strength and compassion
    When somebody finds
    The road of life too steep

    Not too far from here
    Somebody's troubled and confused
    Somebody's got nothing left to lose
    Not too far from here
    Somebody's forgotten how to trust
    And somebody's dying for love
    Not too far from here
    -michael Crawford-

    I havent been talking to God or even willing to think that he cares or even exists after what he has done to me - my taking my mom away but this song (Not too far from here) brings me back to when everything was ok, my mom and i would have this playing in the car anytime we went anywhere - there was only one song she loved more than this and that was called, On
    Eagles Wings. We would sing and we didnt care if we sounded bad or if people gave us funny looks cuz we (mom) was singing off key. In a way i feel close to her when the listen to the songs but it also makes me cry to think that she and I will never sing together again.

    She always wanted me to sing - she always said "u have a beautiful voice will u please sing for us" but as i got older, i was embarressed and could no longer
    sing when she asked. I dont know for sure but i think it was one of the last days that she could talk she asked me to stay in the room with her, i didnt
    want to but went in. Later she asked me if i would sing "her favorite song" even tho it was just me and her i couldnt do it, i couldnt sing with someone
    watching me - she asked me again and I said no. I stayed a little longer til she fell asleep then left - which i feel bad about then cuz she wanted me w/
    her but i left her alone. After that she couldnt talk and i could bring myself to sing the song -- it hurt i was angry at god because he was slowly, painfully taking my mom away from me -- i didnt want to sing the song of hope and strength from god....i couldnt. I hated im and i still do...but my mom
    didnt she still believed until the day she died -- she didnt give up hope -- but i did and i Hate him - he took my "life" from me. Even as I write them i am
    crying so much i almost cant type -- Why did he have to do this to me -- I hate him i dont know if ill ever forgive god....i just dont know hoe my mom trust him like she did she put her life in his hands...she trusted him so much...trusted that he would save her life but he didnt....idk...im just so angry and so upset i dont know what to do....
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    :hug: I know it's not much and it doesnt do as good as anything near to the real thing but it's heartfelt hun. I 'm so so sorry for your loss and that you are hurting so badly. I believe in God but not necessarily in the same way that most do. I believe that He understands your hurt and pain. And He understands that you have turned away from him for your own reasons. And He can only hope that one day you will return to Him. I wish there was more I could do or say to help ease the hurt. And please please dont keep hurting yourself with memories of what if's and if only I could of. Hold on tight to the what we did and how we did. The pain is intense and may always be a part of you sweetie, but it will get a little less when you are ready to let it go some. Unfortunately it's not something that somebody else can do for you, or tell you when the time is right. But you are strong and you'll know when that time comes. Something to consider.... I believe your Mom is with you and watches over you now. Maybe some day when you are ready, you could find a spot that she enjoyed, and sing that song for her. She'll hear it hun and she will be delighted. Please if I can do anything for you pm me.