God I Want Out

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SillyOldBear, Jun 19, 2016.

  1. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    God, I want out of this life. Bible says that knowing what is ahead of us when Christ returns should give us the strength to withstand anything. I am tired of withstanding. I am a wimp I guess.

    I learned to hate myself when young. Because I was fat. I am 64 now, still fat and still hating myself. My eating habits have destroyed my body. Digestive system shot. Scar tissue on longs from 'silent gerd'. Hard time breathing, lump in throat, chest and back pain. Was disappointed when it wasn't my heart, cause that could have led to quick death. No such luck. Unless I do it myself. And that, unfortunately, is against every instinct.

    Never married. Lived alone for at least 40 years now. Cause you can't love someone else, or be loved, if you hate yourself. So I go on simply existing. Go to work to keep a roof over my head. Come home, eat, shower, sleep, go to work..... Such a life. Now I really can't even eat like I used to. Its like the last bit of pleasure has been removed from life. Interesting, that I am missing a pleasure that has destroyed me.

    Won't rant and rave any longer. I know long posts can be a drag.
  2. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    SillyOldBear, I am sorry for what you are going through. I am 55 and I feel my life has been a waste. My health is not bad but not good either. Yet for some reason I have a small voice in my head that tells me to keep going so I do even though sometimes I tell it to be quiet.
    Brian777 likes this.
  3. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I know that voice mpk. Sometimes I just wish it would go away. I try and take inspiration from some 93 year olds I know. Poor Helen is in such poor health, but she keeps up the fight. They are celebrating their 70th anniversary on Thursday!

    Yep, getting old sucks. Big time. So much we took for granted when we were young is lost. Health and dreams mostly.
    Brian777 likes this.
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    *hugs* I am sorry you are feeling so bad.
    Brian777 likes this.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Your weight is NOT permanent. You can work on that hun. You can free yourself from these disturbing and distressing thoughts, I am sorry you are feeling so bad today, know we're here and we care.
    DrownedFishOnFire and Brian777 like this.
  6. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey my friend, you're not defined by the size of your waistline, but the size of your heart❤️ You have a big heart filled with compassion. I believe the bible also says "God doesn't look at the outward man but on the heart❤️" (Paraphrased) and I'm sure God is pleased with what he sees in you. Please don't feel bad about yourself, you're a kind and gentle man and help and inspire others on this forum and I'm sure in your church and community too. Bless you brother.
  7. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    SillyOldBear, I hope the voice I hear to carry on is my grandmother, at least I like to think so. It does suck getting old but on the other hand I don't want to be young again, different set of problems.
    At least with being old people think you know more :)
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    SillyOldBear - just big huge hugs for you! *BIG HUGE HUGS*

    You can still dream and still achieve your dreams. Some of the details might have to change to accommodate along the way. (As an "aging" person myself, I know we sometimes have to roll with some unexpected challenges - sore feet and the exorbitant cost of orthotics and proper shoes in my case). I'm sorry about the GERD for you. I also watch some of what I eat so I don't hurt my system - gone are the Buffalo wings, the hot sauce on rice, the ice-cold grapefruit juice, spicy spaghetti sauce. The trick is to establish a new overall pattern and discover some treats that don't bother us, and then "occasionally" indulge. My friend A said it took a bout 7 weeks to change her eating habits; about the same to begin and enjoy an exercise program. And after that, she actually "missed" the healthier habits if she couldn't access them. Life is extremely doable in spite of challeges. Dreams might have to change a bit, but not be dropped entirely. The same as starting out on any journey, small planned steps get us there and also take care of along the way.

    Sweetie, you give so much. You listen so much. You do so many things to help others. The challenges you are facing are a pain in the butt and an affront to your immediate desires and sense of self...However, the needed changes are not locked gates or mountains. There are ways to get through or over...in spite of how tiresome and frustrating they are. I'm so sorry those are getting you down. I suspect that if you are "withstanding things," you are looking at what you "used to" think you could/should be able to do. How about accepting what you currently can do, and take the smaller steps that affirm your present GOOD points? And take the small steps you can to do more and achieve more of what are still doable dreams? You deserve at least that much for all you do for others. (I understand that It's easy for me to say and likely harder for you as the person facing things to do it...Lean on us anytime you feel frustrated along the way. Let us walk with you as much as we can. You offer so much. There is so much the world can offer you still too. Go get 'em! You deserve good things!)
    Jenumbra and SillyOldBear like this.
  9. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Thanks all for your support. @Acy you are so right. Changes can be made. I just need the strength to make them.

    @brian lol I must confess. True confession time. I am a SHE!
  10. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Oh boy, I'm so sorry my friend, I've made that mistake so many times on that site :( please forgive me. I tend to get a picture in my mind probably based on the profile pic, put it down to me being old.
  11. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Silly bear. Please stay here, you are one in a trillion. Your wise words in the past have helped me a lot. I hope you feeling better soon. Take care.
    Brian777 likes this.
  12. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    Hi SillyOldBear, I've seen how kind and and supportive you are around here, so sorry that you're feeling so down. I agree with everyone else and hope you find help and relief for your issues, gain more enjoyment in life, and think kindly of yourself the way people here do.
  13. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    @brian not a problem Brian. After all, Pooh was a guy.
    @Unknown_111 Thank you Unknown. It is nice to know that my posts have made a difference.
    @Jenumbra Thanks so much for your positive support. It really does help.

    Over the weekend I ordered some new pans. They are called flip pans. They are slightly pressurized for faster cooking. But the big deal is they are as non-stick as pans can be made. I can cook without adding any additional fats. Won't get them until 7/1. I must be patient.
  14. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    Hey the way I see it if you made it this far you have to keep on going. I am just dreading the next 30 years of my life and wish I could just fast forward to getting old and dying.
    Thauoy likes this.
  15. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I kinda understand Big M. Being old does have the advantage that a natural death will come sooner for me then the young. But hopefully the world will change and give you a reason to stay around.
  16. Thauoy

    Thauoy Well-Known Member

    I feel like the same.
  17. Kid B

    Kid B Well-Known Member

    Definitely. And I enjoy reading SOB's posts. I don't think many of us are entirely happy with our lives or our bodies but how tedious it would be if everyone was the same. You don't need to look like a glamour model to be a fantastic person.