1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.


Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by plates, Apr 16, 2009.

  1. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    my mother and sister realised i've been dying when i screamed 'i am dying' at them. we talked. and the end outcome was that my mother is becoming more 'spiritual' and has put her faith in god.

    so if, god wants me to go, (which is her logic) then it will happen. she has no accountablity over the past and has nothing to do in the present. i've told her as clearly as i could how i do not like her but...she's found 'god' now.

    i bet, when i'm dead, they will be more faithful churchgoers. as god, fucking god has let this all happen haven't they?

    i've been fighting with death for a long while and i'm going to go soon. it doesn't matter. i'm not looking for my family for anything anymore. i'm not looking to anyone, because everyone has consistently let me know, that my job is to serve them and hide what i feel. when i'm dying, i am alone. i do not have family, i have no friends. i am alone and i am dying. i keep writing in hope that someone reading this will make a move. but i doubt he will. i think after i die, people will heave a sigh of relief because my screams can be too much, can be too frightening. and they won't have to hear me anymore.
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Your not alone. You have friends on this forum who are there for you.
    If your mother or sister won't be there for you then that doesn't mean your by yourself.
    Do you live with your mother?
  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i am alone.

    i have one friend that tries to talk to me through PM, and she is a great girl. that does not stop me feeling less alone and that i am going to die soon.

    yes i live with my mother and there is no point in showing her my distress as she does not want to look or hear.
  4. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    I know that when I find life hard to cope with or to explain I say well it's down to god, destiny, fate etc. No matter how shit things are, because you can't do anything about it, you tell yourself that things happen as they are meant to happen.

    I've known distressed people, cared about them deeply but was told that I couldn't do anything for them, I looked, I heard, but I couldn't do anything, I was useless and so their fate was up to god to decide. I also knew that their families loved them so much but were also so frustrated by their own inability to help. We deal with life as we can, and that we can't deal with is down to someone else I guess.

    I would say, you're not alone, I think that's true, but I'd also say that I don't care about anyone on this forum, because I can't help anyone on this forum. I know that seems wrong, and the sad thing is that no matter how much you convince yourself you don't care about someone, once they're gone, you realise it's too late to tell them that you cared, a lot.
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Yes, this is the mindset of my family and my so called 'boyfriend.'

    They won't make any effort but to pray and not take heed of warnings when I say 'I prefer you not to communicate in this way to me' :laugh:

    I call this laziness because I'm screaming what I need all the time/for change all the time but the people who leave everything to 'god' would rather listen to 'god.'

    Im well aware of the sentiments in your last paragraph. I've been screaming this to someone on this forum too. I think a lot of people think I'm going to be sticking around here forever, bleeding , crying and dying for their pleasure.
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Are you able to move out or stay with a relative?
    What does your sister say about all this.
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    no. i have a flat but i'll kill myself there if i go back.

    she doesn't think i'm going to kill myself because i don't think she understands what pain i am in. she's just normal...doing her normal every day things.
  8. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I guess you should concentrate on building yourself up. It seems like your not that close with your sister or mother.
    Ever thought about joining a club that specializes in a interest or hobby of yours? You may well make some friends there.
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i've already built myself up. it's just that the reactions i'm met with their growing 'spirituality' that makes me want to bash my head in and scream, although i'm very civil towards them

    i might not be close to them but one of my vices (i suppose it has a lot of meaning for me) is voicing to my sister and mother as to what they've done, to challenge their reactions to me, or their actions in the past, my mother's responsibility as a mother, and to see the importance of personal responsibility and not put all responsibility on either an external God, myself (her children at a very young age) or excuse their behaviour on their abusive partners, when there have been periods where people have communicated to them (for example my sister) when she wasn't psychotic and she refused to see that she was not the centre of her world. she destroyed my life that year. they are people who do not want to hear me scream, because the screaming i am doing is indicative of change and they prefer stagnancy.

    thank you for your replies. i don't feel the need for hobbies nor do i want superficial friends. when i meant i was alone, i meant i was alone in terms of- i have few trusted people who support me when im dying and who know what i'm trying to say when i'm screaming pain. i doubt if i join a group they will be attracted to my periods of suicidal depression and listen to my anger at what i'm seeing.

    thank you for your replies though, it's good your thoughts. :smile:

    i feel much better by the way.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 18, 2009
  10. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I know what you meant about being alone. The thing is that people won't just come into your life and become trusted. It takes time and effort as you are aware of.

    Anyways your welcome.