my mother and sister realised i've been dying when i screamed 'i am dying' at them. we talked. and the end outcome was that my mother is becoming more 'spiritual' and has put her faith in god. so if, god wants me to go, (which is her logic) then it will happen. she has no accountablity over the past and has nothing to do in the present. i've told her as clearly as i could how i do not like her but...she's found 'god' now. i bet, when i'm dead, they will be more faithful churchgoers. as god, fucking god has let this all happen haven't they? i've been fighting with death for a long while and i'm going to go soon. it doesn't matter. i'm not looking for my family for anything anymore. i'm not looking to anyone, because everyone has consistently let me know, that my job is to serve them and hide what i feel. when i'm dying, i am alone. i do not have family, i have no friends. i am alone and i am dying. i keep writing in hope that someone reading this will make a move. but i doubt he will. i think after i die, people will heave a sigh of relief because my screams can be too much, can be too frightening. and they won't have to hear me anymore.