Let me just say that im sorry for my childish ranting. I know im a sick person. I know that whatever I type people could care less. I know that it doesnt matter and nothing will ever change. I just need to regurgitate all this pain i feel. I dont know what the terms of agreement to life is, but im sure if I got to read them before I was born, I would have left that box unchecked. Throughout the day I take many deep breaths. Because I often go through these very tense and piercing bouts of panic and anxiety, that then leaves me in a state of deep depression mixed with high anxiety and thoughts of suicide. My mind attacks me with memories of my past. A endless sea of lost, my failures, abuse, and dead dreams. Hope doesnt live within me. My life consist of waking up in the morning, more than likely with tears in my eyes and this great swell of sadness. Realizing that the real nightmare is when im awake. I struggle to get out of bed with my knees and back aching. I drag myself to work despite the fatigue, despite having no energy. When your depressed, it hard to even move. Your just in this numb zone where your just going through the motions. Nothing matters. Im trapped in a perfect prison system. I can live and I cant die. I want to die. I want to end my life. But I cant. Because I have a mother that comes to my place and cleans my house when i cant. Who leaves me a few bucks on the counter when im broke. Who is the only number on my caller id other than bill collectors. And who never stopped loving me even I am a complete failure. Shes finally at a point in her life where she is happy and content. And it would be unfair of me to take that away. Despite the living hell im going through. Ill try to survive hell long enough to let her live her last years without my death on her conscious. But I also dont have the courage to commit suicide. Ive tried to kill myself before. Some attempts were subtle, some werent because I was gripped with panic and anxiety. I just dont have the courage to do it. Im a coward. Afraid to live and afraid to die. I wish I did. I think taking your own life is one of the most personal acts of courage i can think of. They escaped. What do you do when you wake up one day and realize you dont have any interest whatsoever to be here. I am appalled at my very being. I cant stand looking at my ugly fat face every morning trying to care about myself. I dont. Im my own worse enemy. I look in the mirror and I cant even describe the hatred I have. And im not a hateful person at all. Im actually a nice guy believe it or not. Im trapped in this prison. Thats all I think of this life. A prison sentence.Trapped between hell on earth and hell in hell. Im being forced to live this life. Being forced to be a complete nobody. Possessing every negative and unattractive physical and mental attribute known to man. Living envious and miserable. With depression and anxiety. God has no right. But of course the almight perfect one is above criticism. I dont want to be here. But if I cant succeed here in the world you created to your standards you want to condemn me to what? More suffering? Enternal suffering? Why? Why was I born? I dont know how to be a man. I dont want to be a man. Here take your precious soul back. I dont want to live here. Why do I have to live here? Just tell me? Just please tell me. I want to be somewhere where im not sick, or in pain, or going insane. Please. I want to be somewhere where im beautiful. Where i can find love. I can have friends. I can know what its like to love myself and be proud of myself. Where i can have a family of my own. And know what it feels to be loved and share your life with someone. Oh God i would trade everything just to feel that for one day. I cant live here with beautiful people. I cant coexist being what I am. I cant just accept having nothing and watching everyone else have so much. And im not talking about money. Im talking about, love and family and kids and friends and a career and success and being handsome and confident and proud. I dont have that. I dont have any of that and I never will. Im not agoraphobic. I just cant take going out in public seeing couples hold hands. I would give anything to know how it feels just to hold someones hand. Let alone what its like to be kissed. I cant take seeing people so happy and successful. I loathe the sight of anyone that is attractive. Which to me is everyone on this earth but me. How can anyone endure living a life without that? I cant. I know why I cant have it. I understand. People treat me like I have a flesh eating disease. I cant blame them. Im repulsive. Im socially inept. Im black. Im broke. I have nothing to offer. Nothing to do with all my anger. I wanted to contribute to the world. Not just sit in it. I wanted to be a psychiatrist ironically. Devote my life to helping others conquer or cope with mental disorders. Im sorry. Im sorry for being so weak mother. Im sorry for dropping out of college because of my anxiety attacks. Im sorry for not being brave. Im sorry i let my life spiral out of control. I did it to myself and im to blame. Im so sorry. Im trapped in something I can never get out of. Its so dark. I have no hope here. Why do people say life is precious? Not to me.... Not me. I hurt all the time, so much. Id rather have a broken leg than a broken mind. How can it be that im always depressed. My nerves are shot. Im completely broken down. Death is the sweetest gift. No more memories. No more nightmares. No more waking up living in the what ifs? No more loneliness. No more being haunted by my past. My abuse, my scars, my loss. I lost too much. My heart got ripped out. I felt the creulty of life in its most agregious form. There world decides. Lets you know what you are. Even the children knew. They told me at a very young age. I thought children were oblivious, innocent. But even they saw it in me. That i was ugly. I was nothing. I know that your beautiful and im not. I know that you are something and im not. I know that God holds you in high regards and im not. You are all so beautifully made. I am a insect among Gods. Im the troll under the bride. Im the beast in my lonely castle. I wish love was more of the heart and not the eyes. I cant coexist with you. I wish God made everyone beautiful. Everyone smart. Everyone happy. But he couldnt. You cant be happy unless I am sad. You cant be beautiful unless I am ugly. You cant be rich unless I am poor. What a sinister creator God is. He had to make you day, and turn me into the night. Happy mothers day mama. I love you.