God's Prison

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, May 6, 2009.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Let me just say that im sorry for my childish ranting. I know im a sick person. I know that whatever I type people could care less. I know that it doesnt matter and nothing will ever change. I just need to regurgitate all this pain i feel. I dont know what the terms of agreement to life is, but im sure if I got to read them before I was born, I would have left that box unchecked. Throughout the day I take many deep breaths. Because I often go through these very tense and piercing bouts of panic and anxiety, that then leaves me in a state of deep depression mixed with high anxiety and thoughts of suicide. My mind attacks me with memories of my past. A endless sea of lost, my failures, abuse, and dead dreams. Hope doesnt live within me. My life consist of waking up in the morning, more than likely with tears in my eyes and this great swell of sadness. Realizing that the real nightmare is when im awake. I struggle to get out of bed with my knees and back aching. I drag myself to work despite the fatigue, despite having no energy. When your depressed, it hard to even move. Your just in this numb zone where your just going through the motions. Nothing matters.

    Im trapped in a perfect prison system. I can live and I cant die. I want to die. I want to end my life. But I cant. Because I have a mother that comes to my place and cleans my house when i cant. Who leaves me a few bucks on the counter when im broke. Who is the only number on my caller id other than bill collectors. And who never stopped loving me even I am a complete failure. Shes finally at a point in her life where she is happy and content. And it would be unfair of me to take that away. Despite the living hell im going through. Ill try to survive hell long enough to let her live her last years without my death on her conscious. But I also dont have the courage to commit suicide. Ive tried to kill myself before. Some attempts were subtle, some werent because I was gripped with panic and anxiety. I just dont have the courage to do it. Im a coward. Afraid to live and afraid to die. I wish I did. I think taking your own life is one of the most personal acts of courage i can think of. They escaped.

    What do you do when you wake up one day and realize you dont have any interest whatsoever to be here. I am appalled at my very being. I cant stand looking at my ugly fat face every morning trying to care about myself. I dont. Im my own worse enemy. I look in the mirror and I cant even describe the hatred I have. And im not a hateful person at all. Im actually a nice guy believe it or not. Im trapped in this prison. Thats all I think of this life. A prison sentence.Trapped between hell on earth and hell in hell. Im being forced to live this life. Being forced to be a complete nobody. Possessing every negative and unattractive physical and mental attribute known to man. Living envious and miserable. With depression and anxiety.

    God has no right. But of course the almight perfect one is above criticism. I dont want to be here. But if I cant succeed here in the world you created to your standards you want to condemn me to what? More suffering? Enternal suffering? Why? Why was I born? I dont know how to be a man. I dont want to be a man. Here take your precious soul back. I dont want to live here. Why do I have to live here? Just tell me? Just please tell me. I want to be somewhere where im not sick, or in pain, or going insane. Please. I want to be somewhere where im beautiful. Where i can find love. I can have friends. I can know what its like to love myself and be proud of myself. Where i can have a family of my own. And know what it feels to be loved and share your life with someone. Oh God i would trade everything just to feel that for one day. I cant live here with beautiful people. I cant coexist being what I am. I cant just accept having nothing and watching everyone else have so much. And im not talking about money. Im talking about, love and family and kids and friends and a career and success and being handsome and confident and proud. I dont have that. I dont have any of that and I never will. Im not agoraphobic. I just cant take going out in public seeing couples hold hands. I would give anything to know how it feels just to hold someones hand. Let alone what its like to be kissed. I cant take seeing people so happy and successful. I loathe the sight of anyone that is attractive. Which to me is everyone on this earth but me. How can anyone endure living a life without that? I cant.

    I know why I cant have it. I understand. People treat me like I have a flesh eating disease. I cant blame them. Im repulsive. Im socially inept. Im black. Im broke. I have nothing to offer. Nothing to do with all my anger. I wanted to contribute to the world. Not just sit in it. I wanted to be a psychiatrist ironically. Devote my life to helping others conquer or cope with mental disorders. Im sorry. Im sorry for being so weak mother. Im sorry for dropping out of college because of my anxiety attacks. Im sorry for not being brave. Im sorry i let my life spiral out of control. I did it to myself and im to blame. Im so sorry. Im trapped in something I can never get out of. Its so dark. I have no hope here. Why do people say life is precious? Not to me.... Not me.

    I hurt all the time, so much. Id rather have a broken leg than a broken mind. How can it be that im always depressed. My nerves are shot. Im completely broken down. Death is the sweetest gift. No more memories. No more nightmares. No more waking up living in the what ifs? No more loneliness. No more being haunted by my past. My abuse, my scars, my loss. I lost too much. My heart got ripped out. I felt the creulty of life in its most agregious form. There world decides. Lets you know what you are. Even the children knew. They told me at a very young age. I thought children were oblivious, innocent. But even they saw it in me. That i was ugly. I was nothing.

    I know that your beautiful and im not. I know that you are something and im not. I know that God holds you in high regards and im not. You are all so beautifully made. I am a insect among Gods. Im the troll under the bride. Im the beast in my lonely castle. I wish love was more of the heart and not the eyes. I cant coexist with you. I wish God made everyone beautiful. Everyone smart. Everyone happy. But he couldnt. You cant be happy unless I am sad. You cant be beautiful unless I am ugly. You cant be rich unless I am poor. What a sinister creator God is. He had to make you day, and turn me into the night.

    Happy mothers day mama. I love you.
  2. Righteous

    Righteous Well-Known Member

    Well, if u meditate and make your soul pure, God will show u the truth. If u accept the truth, God will bless u. I know cause he blessed me.
  3. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I can so relate to what you are saying. My mom helps me so much, with food and money. I cant work because of my anxiety. And that's difficult to accept when you're in a world where work values who you are as a person. People who don't work are look down upon. At least that's how I feel...

    still when you said you felt like a beast alone in a castle,even that beast got to know love, I'm sure you will get to know it...but it is hard to get into a place like that when all you see is darkness...

    what you say has great meaning and makes so much sense...don't give up:hugtackles:
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN


    Vent as much as you want to. There are people here who care.

    Please don't give up. I know you're hurting, and so maybe you don't see any hope. But it's there.

    If you ever want to talk or just need a friend, you can pM me anytime.
  5. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry to hear of your misfortune.

    I feel many of the same things you do. I have blamed God countless times for the enduring torture of my life countless times, even though I became atheist a few years back. The thing is that if he really exists then I do blame him for my existence. I was not asked to be here, and was not asked to be born me. Therefore, I would have no obligation to God. That's my philosophy anyway.
  6. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I have alot of anomosity. But i dont want to engage in God bashing. It doesnt help. I dont know if I even believe or not. I try to. With that said, it definitely would take a miracle happening in my life to find my way out of this state. And i definitely dont believe in miracles.

    Thanks to those who cared enough to reply. I do appreciate it.
  7. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    First of all I think you've described what many of us on this forum feel. There's not one thing in what you've written which I have not heard other people going through. You are not alone in your feelings, and people here do understand.
    My suggestion would be to get a therapist if you don't have one. You mention your suffering but you didn't mention where it comes from. I don't know if you know and just didn't say but if you suffer and you don't know why, a therapist can really help.
    I also didn't know if you were just throwing God out there as a word or if you really believe in God, but I'll assume you do believe and my responses will be as if you do.

    I've said this so many times, but I'm beginning to feel a change happening. Others here have felt it too. I still say it won't change, but it is possible. My therapist described it well. She said it's like a rubber band. You stretch outside your comfort zone (being depression), and then it snaps back. You might feel a glimpse of hope and then go back, and back again. And eventually the rubber band snaps, and you might still feel depressed, but you will start to be able to feel ok about life. This can take a different amount of time for different people. I've been depressed for a long time, but the suicidal thoughts started a year ago and I haven't changed much. I think it could take me years, if not a lifetime. But what is the alternative? Suffering. You said yourself you can't die. So that means you either have to live or suffer. Living is really scary, but when you catch that glimpse of something better maybe you will want more.

    How lucky you are! to have a mother that loves you. My parents do not love me.

    These are great questions! Right now it seems that you have no answers. Start looking for answers. Maybe you might find some. Whether it be through therapy, religion, or some other truth you might happen upon, be it from an inspiring book, movie, song, etc. These are not questions to be put on the shelf. Well maybe for a while as long as your suffering is so strong, but eventually looking for some kind of answers to these questions might bring you some peace.

    God holds everyone dear to him. Everyone is loved equally by God. You have as much of a right to happiness as anyone else! No one here would let you believe you deserved anything less, because you don't. You are not different from anyone here. We all deserve happiness, including you. And I hope if you stick around, keep posting, reading posts, you will see you're not alone. What would you say to someone who believed they were worthless, that they were less in God's eyes? You said you were a nice guy, wouldn't you tell them that they were not worthless? Well step outside yourself and let yourself know you're not worthless. You most certainly are no less in God's eyes than anyone else.
    I'm glad you're here with us and sharing. I hope you find answers to some of your questions and know that at least we want you here and that someday things could change.
  8. AngelOfGrief

    AngelOfGrief New Member

    This IS a prison man, you're 100% right. Right now I'm looking for a way to ask God to end it all in one moment, because I'm a Christian and I know it's a sin to take your life. Also I'm not sure I'll be able to do it myself, at least at this point.

    I'm not weak, I have achievements, I run a successful internet business. But it means nothing. All is so pointless. And life has been nothing but pain, fear, struggle, disappointment or all of them at the same time.

    I never succeeded in being loved by someone I was in love with although every woman I tried to date told me I would make a perfect caring and loving husband/father. I never succeeded in making my music popular (I used to compose music), even more I doubt I'd be happy if i did -- that would just put me into even deeper depression I am in.

    I know what you are talking about man, I had these panic attacks, anxiety, depression all of my life. I was a scared kid too. I cant even run my business smoothly because of this crap, I cant enjoy money the way others do either. Sometimes I have to force myself to see people I do business with because sometimes I hate this world so much I cannot look anyone in the eye.

    I'm so pissed. I'm so disappointed. I'm so lost.

    Just try to be damn strong man and take it. We have to take it. I have no idea why, and I'm writing this with tears on my eyes. I have asked God to take my life so many times already throughout my life but it's not happening.

    I started thinking about suicide recently because my friend told me of his classmate taking his life a few days ago, that was actually someone I met. He also left a suicide note that he blamed no one and asked to inform his relatives of his death. (he did it in a friend's house, a friend who was away for a while and allowed him to stay in his house while he was away). The guy was 33. No one knew the cause. The last time he was seen watching a stupid TV reality show which he was never interested in. Then some friend came by and asked him what was happening and he said he was thinking his life over, then he suddenly yelled at that person and told her to go away immediately in a very rude manner. That was the last time he was seen alive.

    No, I'm not doing it and I'm alive so far. Let's try to be strong man, that's all we can do... Peace.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2009
  9. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ... i am glad you posted and shared this with us. what you say and feel, does matter, and i care about you, and what happens to you.

    you are a very sweet man, to love his mother so deeply, as to want to protect her from a broken and shattered heart. i am a mom, and i would never heal or recover, if something happened to one of my children.

    i can relate to much of what you wrote, what you are feeling and experiencing. i too believe that the world, as a whole, measures success and value of a person, by outer looks, money, and power.

    i've never wanted to be rich, but i want to have enough so that i can take care of the people i love most in the world. yet i didn't finish my education b/c i made dumb choices and now i find myself struggling, financially.
    i will admit, i've always wished i was beautiful. but i am just plain and invisible. i too, wish the beauty of the heart, was society's standard, but it is not.
    funny, i see others by their hearts first......looks last. and i judge by the heart. but. i judge mySELF, only by my financial failings, my marriage failure and my outer self. in other words, i accept everyone, but i hate myself.

    people here on s.f., and some who have become very dear, helped me to hold on when i came here. and i have been told , today , that self acceptance is my goal, it must be, it has to be.

    i believe we all have a place in this world. and i think you have a beautiful shining soul,, because i read your post and could feel how much you love your mom. and i also believe your tremendous suffering has shaped your heart to love and to feel more deeply. i believe you have a place in the world, and as ""iloveyou'' posted, that your questions are not to be shelved but to be sought after. . .

    i hope you find relief from your pain, and i hope you stay with us and lean on us, until you feel stronger, and can find your reason to be.
    please feel free to pm me if you want to talk......i care what happens to you :console:
  10. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Iloveyou, I think everyone experiences their version of hell on earth differently and in their own unique case. I think one misconception about mental illnesses is that people are lumped into certain catagories as if everyone experience things the same way, and what worked for the goose will work for the gander. All I know is the flames in my hell are scorching. I am alone. Alot of people are. Because I can never know what their hell is like and they can never know mine.

    Ive had 13 different therapist or psychiatrists. The last time I saw one was a year ago and he basically washed his hands with me and said that I have to just live with it. Great advice. I had a woman to tell me to imagine angels were flying over my head to protect me. Great advice. I had one who told me to fake happiness. Very compelling advice. Another woman told me to watch christian tv shows and listen to the pastors. And then there is the guy that told me to go mountain climbing and parachute out of a airplane. That was unforgettable. After 12 years of counsellors, medication, hospital visits, and spending a small fortune on help, I swore off treatment. Some demons cant be treated I guess. Talking to them helped take the edge off the sword. But it still cuts deep. I just wasnt able to benefit or respond to treatment. I dont know whats wrong with me. Its beyond my understand. I may have spent years being treated for the wrong thing. I dont know.

    Im glad to hear if your able to find a way out. If you do. Just dont forget the ones who hasnt. Come back and thow a flashlight down the tunnel. You asked kind of a loaded question about what has happened in my life. Im trying to think of what hasnt happened. There is a endless trail of just very bad, traumatic and tragic moments in my life. But its compounded by the fact that even the smallest things give me a nervous breakdown and causes me to spiral into deep depression. So i have no tools to fight and endure. I can make a seperate post about my past. Itll take alot of courage to kind of do that. Its less about the past and more about the present. Understanding the my present is a result of my past. Being haunted with these vivid memories. And all it takes is just a split second flash in your mind, like a click of a camera, or a word, name, or familar face, or the sound of a song on the radio. Or a scream, or children laughing. Or a couple holding hands or kissing. And for that moment your reliving that nightmare. Thats extreme jolt of anxiety. And that overwhelming sadness and guilt. And your caught in this whoolwind because you know deep down your life is over. Being what I am today is torment of the highest form. Imagine a prisoner sitting in a cell, trying to come to terms that this is it. No second chance. Its over.

    God does not hold me dear. Im not the apple of Gods eye. I dont hate God. We just disagree on alot of things. We dont have alot in common. And he doesnt answer my calls.

    Angelofgrief, I dont blame you for wanting to take your life, but i would definitely make it a last resort. And know that you arent strong enough to deal with what you are faced with. You said your not weak. If you have that kind of strength then be strong and lead by example. Cos many people here, myself included need to be shown how to be strong facing such a insidous circumstance. I wish i was successful like you in something like that. All I do is scrub tire rims for a living. Make no mistake about what youve accomplished. Dont let your depression reduce it. Its real and something you can hold on to.

    Ive spent my life asking God for help. I think you will be sorely dissapointed asking God to end your life before he wants it. Its not what we want. Its all a part of the plan. Right? With me its not about being strong or coping. Its about whether its worth it. Is it worth going throw years and years more of the torment and lonliness. Having to have those pictures flash through my mind again and again. Causing me such agony. Life has become an endure test.

    I love my mom. Im alive cos of her. Moms are programmed to believe there is always hope for their children. You know she told me the same thing. That she would never heal or recover if something happened to me. So I simply asked her why do she so adamently believe I can heal and recover after what I lost? She is the strongest person I know.

    What you said is the exact main reason why I dont want to be here. If happiness, love and successful was acheived by those who are the better angels among us, and possess the most beauty from their heart and soul, hey I would have a shot. But its not. So I have no shot. No shot at love, success, or happiness. I hate when people tell me to have hope. You never hear someone tell someone who is rich or attractive to have hope. They dont need it because hope is only something you tell pathetic people like me to have cos we have nothing. Yeah... hope. Hope as much as you can because it will take a miracle. In this world. Gods world. Our souls are completely useless. Having beauty is a power in itself. Its priceless. It gives you so many oppustunities in life. It would hard for you to actually fail.

    Yes we all have a purpose in life. I just hate mine.
  11. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I guess I could use this as a diary if nothing else. I place to give my memoirs. Today I woke up and i could feel it piercing me. In my heart, in my mind and soul. Guilt is like cancer. It doesnt go away. It grows. Its hard to believe how worse ive gotten. I made my appointment to get me some new glasses. Im glad of that. Got to ride with my father and just have a rare conversation. I feel like i missed out on an oppurtunity to know him. I talked to Lyn this morning. Dont know where this is going but i wish the best for her. She will be ok. Still having trouble sleeping. Cant stop moving around so much. Cant seem to find peace anywhere. Watching the game today. Seems like none of the teams i like ever win. Well I guess it takes a loser to pick one. Im definitely a loser. Today was just a bad day. Which is probably a upgrade. My big acheivement today. I shaved. How pathetic. Goodnight Ric.
  12. RenegadeWill

    RenegadeWill Account Closed

    Try not to involve God in the equation, God is not real, if he is, you are saying he is inflicting all this pain on you and all these other people in the name of his grand 'plan'. There is no plan, there is no God, just chance and consequence in this world. If you go around believing that a devine entitiy is picking on you, or at the very least, putting you through trials in your life to somehow be worthy of him, then you are going to forever be in the mentality of the victim, you will feel as if you can do nothing to stop it - who can stop God doing what he does...

    You just need to realign your perceptions of life, away from the archaic dependancy on God and move to the present, into the realm of the real, accept that chance will throw bad balls at you and it's up to you to hit those balls back, not pray to an invisible omnipresent being to fix everything for you. He won't answer, if it appears that he does and things get better, then that again, will only be chance.
  13. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Taking God out of the equation makes it worse. I would be more prone to kill myself if I did not have that little tiny belief in the back of my mind. And it is very tiny. The exact size of a mustard seed. Im not a victim. Im just unfortunate. Life to me really isnt a big deal. People die senselessly everyday. There is no true meaning for reason for life. It just would have been nice to have been born something other than myself. You can have a heck of a time here if your attractive and have alot of money. Other than that, you can create your own sense of worth and meaning, and for the rest of us, well tough luck.

    I suck as a person. I suck as a human being. It has nothing to do with chance. It has everything to do with just being a useless, miserable piece of shit. Ill never know anything about happiness. I am what I was born to be. The problem is I cant accept it and live with myself. I hate everything about myself, and the sad thing is I cant change any of it.
  14. depleted_soul

    depleted_soul Well-Known Member

    Hi Multiple Man. Reading your first post, my heart just ached for you. So many of the things you said described a lot of the ways I feel about myself, about my life, everything. It's really unfortunate that people have to suffer like this. I don't know what to make of God anymore. There was a time when I believed and had hope. But after years of unanswered prayers and a life that was total shit that continues to get worse, I don't have any faith in anything. Not God, not myself, just emptiness.

    I wish there was something I could say but I already know that no words, no matter how sincere can ease the pain that is inside. :hug:
  15. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I want to know, what the prize? What happens at the finish line? What reward do people get for continue to suffer and drag themselves through life? Our grand prize is..... death? Woohoo. But before that you get all old and wrinkly and sick. Why wouldnt anyone just cut that part out and get the special grand prize now. Thats the only thing I have to hold when i think of all the people I envy. No matter how beautiful you are or how much money you have or how great a life you have lived. We will all be the same 6 feet under. Death is the reset button. The great equalizer. Death accepts us all even if life doesnt. Death is fair and life isnt. We will all rot together. The magets dont care how we lived. And the dead has no memory.
  16. kiera

    kiera Member

    Your post is heartbreaking. People do care, I do not know you its true, but i really and truly do care.
    Beauty comes from within. Just reading your post shows me that you have beauty.
    If you was so ugly, you would not care about your mum.

    You say you do not understand what is wrong with you. I am second guessing here, but it sounds possible your suffering from some kind of ptsd. Maybe i am wrong, but this can be treated a little.

    All support at the right time is good. alot of the time it just doesnt help, i know. It sounds like you have many demons. Maybe you could take just one of those and challange it in some way? I know my post may sound futile to you, but it is meant in the most sincere way.

    You are loved, you are valued and even just one person you probably have not even considered cares.

    I really hope you find some comfort, or hope that you have searched so hard for.

  17. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    You probably care more about me than I do. I guess I wish i had more examples of how beauty from within has ever prospered me. Or how could it living in a world that only sees beauty from outside. Its like when I pray. Ive never benefited from a single prayer. Im ugly in a lot of ways but not really on the inside. Not too much anyway. But it certainly doesnt matter. Noone will ever see anything past their own two eyes. Its my curse.

    Im not loved. Im not valued. Im a unattractive, uneducated, untalented, overweight black man with mental problems and no future. I have zero value and nothing to offer this world.

    Kiera. Beautiful name... Thanks
  18. fpl

    fpl Member

    I have the same feeling, buddy...! How I understand you...

    That´s exactly what I feel. I feel trapped, can´t stand my pain and I can´t just die!

    I read you, buddy. Once again, I understand you so well... :(

    At the moment I just live for my parents and brother, and for her. They don´t deserve that. I lost the women I wanted the most in my life, and she doesn´t deserves to know I killed myself because of her.

    I fell exactly the same. What´s the point of living everyday knowing I lost the woman of my life, knowing that I´m crap, knowing that I made such a mess in my life, knowing that everything (even my family and friends, which are great) are trivial? It´s sad to feel this, but I can´t deny what I feel.

    Best wishes
  19. Dudly

    Dudly Well-Known Member

    I can feel where your coming from. I too constantly look back on past mistakes and cringe everyday. I too feel too ugly for love.
  20. Tired and alone

    Tired and alone Well-Known Member

    Your postings have really touched me. I was especially moved when you were listing what you considered negative about you. You said, "I'm black." Being black is not a negative just as my saying that being English, Welsh, Sweedish and Native American is not a negative. I will tell you one thing. Be proud of your heritage. I am a mutt. So what. At least be proud of your race. Remember, unless you are of mixed race, your beautiful mother is black also and that is not a bad thing! She sounds like an angel to me. I envy you. Most of my family are deceased. I will tell you this. As long as I am alive I will send you feelings of love and comradeship before I sleep each night.
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