God's Whipping Girl

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by EmptyGirl, Jun 5, 2012.

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  1. EmptyGirl

    EmptyGirl New Member

    I have been thinking of killing myself for a long time. About 3 years now. I kept telling myself things will get better just to be let down.
    I really feel like life is torture. If there is a god he is looking at me and joyfully testing what I can endure.

    I am 34 yr old female who can't and will not ever be able to have children. I have been trying to get a college education for 10 years now. No I am not exaggerating. I have applied for a grant for 10 years and cannot get one because I HAVE to make enough money to pay for an apartment. So that leaves me exempt. I do not have good credit for a loan since my sister stole my id years ago and I cannot get it cleaned up. I also have a large hospital bill from a kidney stone removal. This leaves me with bad credit and cannot get a loan for school.

    The worse part is everyone I know, I am talking over 300 people I know, all have went to school or had a child. I have nothing to look forward to in life at all. My parents abandoned me when I was 15 and I was kept by a friends parents until I was 16 then I rented a room from a woman for $100 a month until I got my own place. This left me without being a foster child or having my parents income tax forms to get a grant for school because you are not considered "independent" until the age of 25. I had to pay for myself to live so by the time I turned 25 to file a fafsa as "independent" I was considered making too much money. BUT I ONLY MADE JUST ENOUGH TO COVER BILLS!!!

    I don't get it. I tried so flipping hard to do something. I reached out to so many colleges and they said since I am not a minority or have children they cannot help me. I deserve to better myself. Just because I don't have children or am not a minority I shouldn't be left out.

    I have no family, no career via the education I could not get, no children to keep my occupied, to throw birthday parties for, to love. I have absolutely nothing. I don't know what I did in life to deserve this and I am so tired of almost crying in public when I see things that make me think of this.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Is there a profession you can go into where tuition is paid due to a shortage...in nursing, the rehabilitation therapies, etc. this is the case...maybe look at those professions where there are shortages and find a way to get in the door (e.g. CNA or LPN before RN; therapy aide or assistant before becoming a licensed therapist)...just a suggestion
  3. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry.

    If it makes you feel better, I'm 33 years old, I don't have any children, and I never completed my college education. I have no friends, I have a dead end job, and I'm trapped in a loveless marriage. I think about suicide constantly. Not because of the job, or the lack of children or a college education. But because my life has no meaning. I don't think that a degree or a child would change that. I don't even know what I want anymore. Even if I did know what I want, it's not like I'm ever going to have it.

    We may not share the same interests or desires, but I think we both share the same frustration with life. Seeing other people who have what we want and knowing that we can't get it...
  4. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Sorry to hear about your struggles they're similar to mine. I realize in the US it's much harder to get into a college/university. Here in Canada we have government loans and that's what helped me. I used to have excellent credit but after I left a job I didn't like but had decent pay, I didn't work for a few years and my credit got really bad since I had no income to pay for it. That issue has prevented me from getting well paying jobs in finance (which do credit checks) and also from moving to nice apartments. I didn't realize how serious it'd be-when you get bad credit. The one saving grace is that if you 'repair' it or are in 'repayment' they will forgive you and it won't be an issue anymore. Right now I'm not really making enough to try to start paying it back but I'm still going to make an attempt because it is hindering my life in many ways.

    In your case if I may suggest, find a career (as someone else suggested above) which won't require a lot of education. My aunt who had only had a high school education took some kind of physiotherapy assistant course and is making really good money now. You don't have to go to university to still land a well paying job. I got a degree that few people could attain and yet it got me nowhere. Clearly you had so many more hurdles to overcome than most people but I think you're smart enough to go further-since you've come so far.

    As for having children, some women do have them later in life. I wouldn't recommend having them no later than 45, because you'll be a senior citizen by the time they hit their 20s. Of course it's something you should only consider doing once you have a good stable job and a with a man who's not a nutcase and works too. Best of luck, it seems a number of us here are in the same boat-got shorted from having a good life and now we're playing 'catch-up'.

    By the way, it's not that God wants to see you suffer, you're suffering because there is no god to help you out and we live in a Capitalist system that places the pursuit of wealth above all other concerns and let's people starve to death. If we had a more equitable system, many people would've be in the terrible state they're in right now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 6, 2012
  5. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    Hello there, your post really touched me and can identify with some of what you are going through.
    I cannot have children, I am 37, a sexual abuse and rape in adult survivor and have had the choice taken from me. I also have had health problems since a teenager and over the years got so much worse with one thing after another, my day to day life is limited.
    I have been in relationships and they have always left me, and the one was very abusive on all fronts.
    I had breakdowns, self harmed and was suicidal, the only person to get me through was mum.
    My mother and I have a beautiful relationship and she was the only person to ever truly understand what I thought, felt, knew my emotions, thinking and got me through some awful times, without her I know I'd have been succesful in killing myself.

    My beautiful mother lost her brave fight with cancer just 4 weeks tomorrow and I am completely lost now.
    I have lived alone for 12 years as got put into a bungalow which is easier for my health and mobility problems, but she was always there for me and we were like twins.
    I just want to slip away and be with her. I have cut my wrists abit just to see abit of blood for relief but so want to cut deep.

    I live in the UK, I have never been able to go to college or have a job as been chronically ill/disabled for years, I have very little social life and crave children so much and some people that do have children take them for granted.

    I just wanted you to know I am here if you need to chat. I find it best talking to those in similar situations, I went to many counsellors etc and made me alot worse.
    I often wonder also what I did to deserve my hard life. I never get any answers.
    My mother dying has made everything a thousand times worse now, esp as have v little family who care, just my dad now and he tries his best but he doesn't get the whole suicide/self harm and feelings like mum did with me.
    PLEASE take care and message me anytime, I'll get back when I can.
    Love to you. xx
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