I have been thinking of killing myself for a long time. About 3 years now. I kept telling myself things will get better just to be let down. I really feel like life is torture. If there is a god he is looking at me and joyfully testing what I can endure. I am 34 yr old female who can't and will not ever be able to have children. I have been trying to get a college education for 10 years now. No I am not exaggerating. I have applied for a grant for 10 years and cannot get one because I HAVE to make enough money to pay for an apartment. So that leaves me exempt. I do not have good credit for a loan since my sister stole my id years ago and I cannot get it cleaned up. I also have a large hospital bill from a kidney stone removal. This leaves me with bad credit and cannot get a loan for school. The worse part is everyone I know, I am talking over 300 people I know, all have went to school or had a child. I have nothing to look forward to in life at all. My parents abandoned me when I was 15 and I was kept by a friends parents until I was 16 then I rented a room from a woman for $100 a month until I got my own place. This left me without being a foster child or having my parents income tax forms to get a grant for school because you are not considered "independent" until the age of 25. I had to pay for myself to live so by the time I turned 25 to file a fafsa as "independent" I was considered making too much money. BUT I ONLY MADE JUST ENOUGH TO COVER BILLS!!! I don't get it. I tried so flipping hard to do something. I reached out to so many colleges and they said since I am not a minority or have children they cannot help me. I deserve to better myself. Just because I don't have children or am not a minority I shouldn't be left out. I have no family, no career via the education I could not get, no children to keep my occupied, to throw birthday parties for, to love. I have absolutely nothing. I don't know what I did in life to deserve this and I am so tired of almost crying in public when I see things that make me think of this.