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Going Cold Turkey (a log)

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#1
So, I won't rehash last night, but I was on the edge. A couple of you reached out and really walked me through everything.

I've been up since 3 am, crying and trying to figure out what to do.

I have an obsession / stalking problem with an ex. I have several fake accounts and track him, his wife, his exes and anyone I think he's interested in. Even his daughter's IG. And I've spoken to his wife and his ex under my fake name. It's weird and I hate myself and don't recognize the person I've become.

It's eaten me alive. And last night I saw some things that really hurt me. So deeply if I had the means, I would have tried something.

I just can't bring myself to deactivate my accounts because I'm still in the not-letting-go phase. But someone suggested I just stop looking for awhile and see where that takes me.

The longest I've gone without checking up on him since we last spoke is 3 weeks. That was right before the pandemic. Then another 3 weeks a couple of months ago.

Today is day 1 of not looking. I'll keep this going as a thread, which anyone can look at or not, but I guess I need some support and accountability. I'm starting to panic about my state of mind. Last night I fantasized about all the ways I could destroy him. I don't want to do that.

Anyway, thank you for this space to tell my story and for the support. I'm so scared, but this feels like a good place to come and work through these issues. When I'm able I'm going back to therapy. Thank you again.
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#3
Don't be too hard on yourself @A_J_R , he has deeply hurt you.. There will be ups and downs so don't punish yourself if you check. It's great you had a better day *hug
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#4
Don't be too hard on yourself @A_J_R , he has deeply hurt you.. There will be ups and downs so don't punish yourself if you check. It's great you had a better day *hug
Thank you so much. I'm feeling shell-shocked. Yesterday was intense, but yes, I'm having a better day.
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#6
I think you are on the right path, hopefully for yourself. I say that because you admit that it is weird and that you hate yourself for it, you are showing the understanding of a part of the problem and can work from there and that. That you want better for yourself. This is a good place to share and I hope that therapy when you get back into it goes best for you.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#7
I think you are on the right path, hopefully for yourself. I say that because you admit that it is weird and that you hate yourself for it, you are showing the understanding of a part of the problem and can work from there and that. That you want better for yourself. This is a good place to share and I hope that therapy when you get back into it goes best for you.
Thank you so much. Yes, I do understand my part in this. I hope I can stay strong and work through it. Coming here for support has been the most positive step I've taken (aside from just trying to stay off his social media). Thank you again!
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#8
Just a thought to end day #1

I did it! I didn't go on ANY of his social media today. And I'm here and not in total pain.

Unfortunately, a mutual friend had a birthday and so I saw him wish our friend a happy birthday on fb. It made my heart sink a little, but I didn't go running to his IG or twitter to see what else he's been up to. Nor have I looked up any of the women in his life today.

I think my goal will be to go 30 days and then assess how I feel. Hopefully the impulses will have died down a bit, and maybe I"ll feel like deleting the fake accounts. I don't know. But I do feel more balanced today and maybe I can do this.
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#9
Thank you so much. Yes, I do understand my part in this. I hope I can stay strong and work through it. Coming here for support has been the most positive step I've taken (aside from just trying to stay off his social media). Thank you again!
You are most welcome, and glad that you have taken comfort here, this is the place for such and always good that you are doing well being here.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#10
Day 2

Started off sad. Just missing this person a lot, but I've got a big work deadline tomorrow and so I'm hoping the workload distracts me today.

I have been told that the first 3 days of stopping any kind of addiction can be the toughest. It won't instantly get much easier afterwards, but that's the first major hurdle, so just trying to get to Saturday in one piece. But so far, I feel OK today.
 

SaFa61947

Kaiser Franz
#11
I have an addiction myself. About this social media thing... It would be nice to write down your reasons to quit, why you think it's important to stop. You don't need to tell me, just write it down.

Then, if you decide to quit, it would be wise to disable or delete your online profiles... Especially the fake ones. I have no social media except WhatsApp for work purposes since Jan 1st, 2021. It's hard and sometimes I miss it. It's easier for me because I am not addicted to social media. But it can be done.

I'm very excited about your new cat. Please keep us updated.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#12
Hi there, I am glad you have decided to take the positive step forward, it can only be a good thing and hopefully soon you will start to concentrate on other things and forget about him and these accounts etc...

I am very happy to hear to have had lots of support here and are doing better today, we are all here for you, no need to carry this burden alone. Stick with the plan as much as possible and you will find your wings *hug and be free from this.

*bravo *grouphug2
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#13
Today has been a bit harder.

When work or something else gets a little overwhelming, I always used to turn to my ex for an escape. Because of our personal situations, it was oftn better to just talk about fun things and not get too involved in much below the surface, so we'd often chat about working out, or movies or some of our shared hobbies. It always led to flirting and things like that, and on the best days, was amazing. So I still like to think of him as a means to escape.

Also, when I was worried my work wasn't good enough, he'd cheerlead me (not all the time, but he could give me a little boost when I needed it)

But I have managed not to look at anything yet. I started to unconsciously go to this twitter and stopped myself. But my heart is aching a little today.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#14
I should also mention that I am now one step closer to adopting the cat I saw at the shelter. I'm scheduled to have a phone call with their representative, and the foster has invited me meet the little guy in person this Sunday. I know there's someone else looking at him, so I have to be prepared, but I do think he would make things a lot easier in my day to day. Pets make everything better. So, here's hoping! (see, it's not been a horrible day!)
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#15
I am on day 3 now. I've been up since 3 am, because I was bogged down with nightmares. I'm crying a lot this morning.

I messed up on my project for work. It's in someone else's hands now. In times like this, I'd turn to my ex for jokes or sometimes he'd say something really sweet to make me feel better. So, on days like today I miss him more than normal. Let's see if I can hold out for the day. I'm not feeling very good at all.

I should say, he was a scoundrel and a liar, but we were friends too, and he could be very kind sometimes and not ask for anything in return. It didn't happen often, but when we were close, it was so beautiful.

Since I'm working from home today I might sneak in a nap, and I'll try to just dig into my next project. I'm so very tired.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#17
How about instead of a nap you go for a walk if it's good weather outside?

Hope you feel better by then.
I might do that! I did workout this morning, so I have had some exercise. It helped me work out some of the anxiety. I'm just finishing up a cup of coffee so that's helping too! :) Thanks for the suggestion.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#18
Day 3 started very rough, but got better as it went along. I'm still despondent about my project but it's been turned in and I'm waiting for the boss to give me a thumbs up or down. I did give a sneak peek to a co-worker and he thought my work was good. Not my best work, but good and I shouldn't be so down about it.

Currently, I am in the process of adopting that cat I've been wanting. I'm making arrangements with the foster to cat sit for me until closer to the end of the month, since I'm moving houses. I'm so excited. But I hope he foster is into it. I've offered to pay her, and she really loves the cat. The last hurdle is a medical consult because he's older and has a few problems. It looks like was neglected until he got into this shelter. I need him.

That has helped me get through the day, thinking about having this little guy in the home. So, still hoping for the best. It sounds pretty positive.

I don't know that I'll ever not love this man I'm trying to break free from. But this cat adoption feels like something normal and positive and maybe it's the first step. I don't know. But I hope so.
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#19
Proud of you getting through the last three days, pain and all, triggers and all and not acting on those feelings and impulses. Congratulations. Seriously.
You said you wanted accountability, so here I am checking to see if you deleted those accounts yet?
Congrats on the cat..comfort animal smart move. Maybe when you looked for your ex as an escape you could try finding new escapes ..comedians in youtube, silly videos, whatever kind of stuff you both would joke or talk lightly about, find online substitutes for now? Whatcha think
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#20
Proud of you getting through the last three days, pain and all, triggers and all and not acting on those feelings and impulses. Congratulations. Seriously.
You said you wanted accountability, so here I am checking to see if you deleted those accounts yet?
Congrats on the cat..comfort animal smart move. Maybe when you looked for your ex as an escape you could try finding new escapes ..comedians in youtube, silly videos, whatever kind of stuff you both would joke or talk lightly about, find online substitutes for now? Whatcha think
Thank you for checking in!

No, I have not deleted the accounts. I feel like that will come later. Knowing they are there is both a blessing and a curse. Like, they are dangerous because they ultimately put me in a dark space, but at the same time they are comforting because I'm still able to see him if I want. I was thinking if I make it for 30 days, maybe? I don't know. My ex-therapist and I had made an arrangement awhile back that I would block him from my regular accounts after the 1st time we broke up, and I couldn't go through with it. I wrote a letter to him instead and read it to her. Then I threw it away. It's very hard. I've been thinking about writing another letter.

I have two pet rats and I do think they've helped me through a lot, so I'm looking forward to having something that will sleep with me and can sit on my lap (rats love to run all over you, but they've been a great happy place for me. They just don't live long and these guys are now 1 year old. I adore them very much and don't want to be without a pet if something happens, so that was the other push to adopt). The cat I'm getting was neglected, so yes, I think I can place some of this love on to caring for him, and hopefully it will ease the love my ex left hanging in my heart, with nowhere to go.

Other than that, I'm just trying to work and pack up my house for moving. I feel OK, for the most part, but also very sad in the mornings and late at night. I usually wake up around 3 and think of him. And I wonder if I ever cross his mind. I don't think I do. I miss him very much.

Thank you again! This is day 4 and while the urges are there, I've been coming here or texting a friend instead. It's OK. :)
 

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