I'm sitting here inside I'm torn with pain and fear. I want to cry, cut, burn, OD. I sit here and think about life and try to keep myself alive. Everything seems so hopeless and everything that's happened and that is happening is wrecking down all at once. On top of that, everyone is dying, everyone is leaving, why can't I??? I'm losing my mind, I don't know what to do anymore. I am losing what little I have of myself, it's all going and leaving me with nothing but the pain, the terror, the fear, the helplessness. I am torn, so much has happened in my short life. It never seems to ever stop. I feel like screaming and ripping my hair out. In my mind I am screaming, and repeatedly asking "why?", "Why has this happened, why won't it stop?". I don't know what is going on anymore, my life is flashbacks of abuses, and memories and teaching that went on 8 years. They are taking me over. The thoughts of death are taking me over. Death, death, death, death. I don't know what's going on, it's getting worse, the flashbacks, I don't want my step father and the disgusting things he did to me in my mind, I don't want it reoccurring, but it does and has for the past 10ish years. Now the things I was told, I was made to watch movies explaining things, I was made to sit and listen to horrifying things, over and over for 8 years on top of the sexual abuse that he manipulated me into believing truly wasn't even that until 2 years ago. I'm 22 years old, what the fuck is wrong with me? So many years I sat around made sure I was blank looking so no-one would see what happened to me, what I was going through the horrifying things that happened and the things that were being told to me. Some of it to this day I still haven't told a soul, 10 years, he put the fear of God in me, so to speak. Technically the devil and conspiracies. I was made to listen to things that even the most horrid horror movie could no display. It's been held in so long, it's wrecking me, my fear is getting worse and I know that people would tell me it's not true, he lied, he was manipulating you so you wouldn't tell because he wanted to control you, make you feel you needed him. I told my case manager a small bit of it and she thought I was having a nervous breakdown, and I am. She said it's wrecking me because I won't let it out, but I'm afraid of what will be if I do, of what he said would happen to me, that I was always being watched and listened to, she wants me to see a therapist that has worked with people who went through long term cult mind control or others words would be "brainwashing". I feel I have no way out, at all, except through death, I'm trapped. Very much so. I can't do this. I really can't. I'm so terrified, I sit here and think about killing myself. I sit here and think there's nothing else but it. I can't win this battle. I'm scared that no matter what is done for me these things will still effect me and the things by my other abuser are true, even looking at it logically, it doesn't make so much sense what I was made to learn, but still in my head, it's real. She cowers in a dark corner, She's stuck in the trapping mind it won't free her ever - she can't tell what was told to her - they are watching and listening - following her everywhere, they hear her and see her - she's lost and can't say a word ever to anyone, She's in prisoned in her mind of the things that were told to her, The terrifying words creeping through her mind won't let the peace within, The darkness follows her to see if she says anything so they can take her and destroy her in the darkness and drag her soul away, It's coming and she doesn't want to see it - she fears the end which is coming the words from him and the things which happened to her will never leave her to peace, She either stays and watches all of the terrifying things happen or she dies and goes into another realm that could keep her soul in torment for eternity - forever misery. ---- The monsters in my head so very deep, They dwell in my head and make me weep, They won't leave me be - they make me plead, I beg ' stop this it's making me weak', All this makes me want is to flee, I sit in my head and I'm so meek, This happens every day of the week, I never get away - I am never free, This will not let me go it keeps me, I can't take these monsters in my head anymore - don't want to see, Forever in torture in these prisons I will be. ------- Held captive in my prison of mind and time, This misery ties me and binds, Tortured and chained in time, The warden of torture is far from kind, Others say you are blind, They think I'm OK - I'm not fine, My only cure is to end this life, Soak me - drench me in C******, Let all this misery fly by, Only will it be fine in the end of life, Wilted - withered and wrapped in vines, Time will heal my love - time will fly - he won't even remember my fight, There I lye buried and only remembered in lost time.