Going crazy. *possible trigger*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~CazzaAngel~, Jan 22, 2008.

  1. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I'm sitting here inside I'm torn with pain and fear. I want to cry, cut, burn, OD. I sit here and think about life and try to keep myself alive. Everything seems so hopeless and everything that's happened and that is happening is wrecking down all at once. On top of that, everyone is dying, everyone is leaving, why can't I???

    I'm losing my mind, I don't know what to do anymore. I am losing what little I have of myself, it's all going and leaving me with nothing but the pain, the terror, the fear, the helplessness. I am torn, so much has happened in my short life. It never seems to ever stop. I feel like screaming and ripping my hair out. In my mind I am screaming, and repeatedly asking "why?", "Why has this happened, why won't it stop?".

    I don't know what is going on anymore, my life is flashbacks of abuses, and memories and teaching that went on 8 years. They are taking me over. The thoughts of death are taking me over. Death, death, death, death.

    I don't know what's going on, it's getting worse, the flashbacks, I don't want my step father and the disgusting things he did to me in my mind, I don't want it reoccurring, but it does and has for the past 10ish years.

    Now the things I was told, I was made to watch movies explaining things, I was made to sit and listen to horrifying things, over and over for 8 years on top of the sexual abuse that he manipulated me into believing truly wasn't even that until 2 years ago. I'm 22 years old, what the fuck is wrong with me? So many years I sat around made sure I was blank looking so no-one would see what happened to me, what I was going through the horrifying things that happened and the things that were being told to me. Some of it to this day I still haven't told a soul, 10 years, he put the fear of God in me, so to speak. Technically the devil and conspiracies. I was made to listen to things that even the most horrid horror movie could no display. It's been held in so long, it's wrecking me, my fear is getting worse and I know that people would tell me it's not true, he lied, he was manipulating you so you wouldn't tell because he wanted to control you, make you feel you needed him. I told my case manager a small bit of it and she thought I was having a nervous breakdown, and I am. She said it's wrecking me because I won't let it out, but I'm afraid of what will be if I do, of what he said would happen to me, that I was always being watched and listened to, she wants me to see a therapist that has worked with people who went through long term cult mind control or others words would be "brainwashing". I feel I have no way out, at all, except through death, I'm trapped. Very much so.

    I can't do this. I really can't. I'm so terrified, I sit here and think about killing myself. I sit here and think there's nothing else but it. I can't win this battle. I'm scared that no matter what is done for me these things will still effect me and the things by my other abuser are true, even looking at it logically, it doesn't make so much sense what I was made to learn, but still in my head, it's real.

    She cowers in a dark corner,
    She's stuck in the trapping mind
    it won't free her ever - she can't
    tell what was told to her - they are
    watching and listening - following
    her everywhere, they hear her
    and see her - she's lost and can't
    say a word ever to anyone,
    She's in prisoned in her mind
    of the things that were told to her,
    The terrifying words creeping through
    her mind won't let the peace within,
    The darkness follows her to see
    if she says anything so they can take
    her and destroy her in the darkness
    and drag her soul away,
    It's coming and she doesn't
    want to see it - she fears
    the end which is coming
    the words from him and the
    things which happened to her
    will never leave her to peace,
    She either stays and watches
    all of the terrifying things
    happen or she dies and goes
    into another realm that could
    keep her soul in torment
    for eternity - forever misery.


    The monsters in my head so very deep,
    They dwell in my head and make me weep,
    They won't leave me be - they make me plead,
    I beg ' stop this it's making me weak',
    All this makes me want is to flee,
    I sit in my head and I'm so meek,
    This happens every day of the week,
    I never get away - I am never free,
    This will not let me go it keeps me,
    I can't take these monsters in my
    head anymore - don't want to see,
    Forever in torture in these
    prisons I will be.


    Held captive in my prison of mind and time,
    This misery ties me and binds,
    Tortured and chained in time,
    The warden of torture
    is far from kind,
    Others say you are blind,
    They think I'm OK - I'm not fine,
    My only cure is to end this life,
    Soak me - drench me in C******,
    Let all this misery fly by,
    Only will it be fine in the end of life,
    Wilted - withered and wrapped in vines,
    Time will heal my love - time will fly -
    he won't even remember my fight,
    There I lye buried and only
    remembered in lost time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 22, 2008
  2. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    deep post.. i dont know what my words can do but i hope you can find what your looking for :angel:
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Carolyn. This is what can happen when traumatic memories are repressed. They surface at later times in our lives and it forces us to deal with them. I'm sorry that this is happening to you hun. You never deserved any of it. Your twisted stepfather should be in jail for what he did. We're here for you hun, and I'm usually in the chatroom if you want to talk.
  4. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Caz, she's absolutely right! you do need to see a therapist trained in undoing brainwashing. Get her to set it up for you, get the damn memories out and then you will be able to move on from them. :hug:
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    hang in there hun :hug:
  7. Destroyer

    Destroyer Guest


    I really feel for you here and I hope you're able to pull through, :unsure: cant really think of anything much else to put to try and help but I'll be thinking of you.
  8. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    You do indeed need to get those memories out, only then will you be able to detach their chains and walk away from them.

    I guarantee you that none of the shit your stepfather told you would happen if you said anything will happen, I promise that.
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Go and get the help you need caz. The time has come to heal the best way you can. :hug:
  10. dan88

    dan88 Member

    Hi Carolyn, There is not much one could say to something like that, but There are good guys in this world, don't think that all of us are like that, in my opinion, look for someone with who you could share some good times, I'm sure love could help you see that Those horrible things where not your fault in any way and that you have a lot of love to give to someone, I'm sure that somewhere, someone could really use your love, as much as you could use his.
    I know we don't know each other, but if there is anything you would like to share with me I would be delighted to hear it, Tell me something you like to do, or watch.
    Anyways, think of all the positive things you could do with your life,
    Hope to talk to you again,
  11. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Thank you for replying, it means a lot to me that you took the time to read and reply to my thread, the support is appreciated. I agree traumatic things resurface sometimes, but the past years, it's always been on my mind but it's gotten worse not and it's terrifying and over whelming. It blows my mind to think the man that use to teach DBT therapy to me said I'm extremely bright when it comes to psychology but now even thought it seems unlikely, I can't stop it from being real to me. Once again, thank you, if you ever need to talk as well, feel free to message me. :hug:
    *hug* xx Love ya hun.
    Terry dear! *hug*
    I know it sounds like the best thing to do. But my thoughts and fears tell me I Can't do it, ever. Even in general if the case was a different kind with similar things.. I'd probably say the same as you, but still in my head it's real and there's no way out, that's why I attempted night before last. I know I'm wasting thread space. :cry:
    *hug* Thank you for the kind words.
    It's OK you didn't know what to say. You just replying shows you heard me and cared enough to at least say something to a distressed person. Thank you for that, was very kind of you. *hug*
    Thank you for replying, it was very kind of you. I'm sorry my separate thoughts kind of in-tangled together from abuses from 2 different people. I'll copy and paste section about the 2 different abusers from a post explaining about my life and past.

    This first one will be about my step father.

    "At 6 my mother met a guy who later became my step father, we moved around the USA alot because he owed money, was wanted by the law and etc. He started beating me at 6, he started raping me at 7... He would rape me and beat me and stick his gun to me, he at first bought me dolls to bribe me, I said 'no, I don't want them, please stop, I just want my family, I'm sorry for being bad' He started isolating my from the outside world, and threatening my daily.. I told my mother one day, but I found out she already knew like I thought, she told me 'You can never tell anyone, I'm the only who will take you, if you tell you'll ruin my life and it will always be your fault'.

    By the time I was 6 I had to do everything for myself, I had to grow up, raise myself and constantly be ongaurd for my life all the time, I could never sleep as my step father was out to rape me at night.

    I had to put on a fake face and pretend I didn't with-go beatings, rapes, death threats, no-one caring, isolating, abandonment, abuses of all shapes and sizes.. The fake face turned blank and invalid. My eyes were blatant and fill with pain, I wouldn't look into peoples eyes, and I still won't."

    This second will be about the other abuser I was referring to.

    "By around 11-12 years old, I met this new girl at school, she wasn't cruel to me, she asked me to visit her home.. I did, she had a sister and brother, sisterinlaw, their kids and her father. They were all cold to me, but her father was always joking and seemed kind. One night I ran away, I went there and he said he'd get me out of the country, he started poking and touching me, innocent it seemed, then he started raping me. He called over and again...explaining he did nothing wrong to me, I started going back, and he sexually abused me more and more. He started telling me things, over and over, telling me to believe him I could only believe him, that most people worshiped the devil, not to trust social workers, teacher, Pasteur's/preachers, nurses, doctors, therapists, that they are trained by the government that worship the devil to brain wash you for the end of the world. To never say anything out loud, the devil can hear and he will send his people after me, he told me so many crazy things even leading up to child sacrifices and conspiracies. After so many years, I believed him until a couple years ago infact did I Even realize it was abuse, it was untrue. He went to prison for raping his granddaughters, I feel I'm to blame, that I should have seen it but never did. I could see pain in their eyes, I tried making everything upto them, care, presents, love, attention, but I didn't know what he did to them, just what their parents did (bruising them) I called child services years ago, they did nothing."

    Once again, thank you for replying, you didn't have to, I doubted anyone would reply at all... I know it can be hard to reply to such subjects. I whole heartedly appreciate it.

    I'm here if you ever need to talk hun. *hug*

    I'm terrified, Corrina. I want to get help but a part of me believes this and is too scared to tell anyone everything. A part of me fears it's all real and nothing can ever help me. :cry:
    Thank you for replying. Alot has happened in my life, not many people know all the things I've been through and are amazed I have survived through it all, but in a sense...it's like all this broke me and I've tried keeping the pieces together, but it's like they're just disintegrating. I appreciate you taking the time to read my thread and reply, was kind of you. If you'd ever like to talk, feel free to contact me anytime, I have Yahoo, MSN, Skype.. the ID's are in my profile here on SF. :hug: