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Going Crazy!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mountain_Dew, Mar 3, 2010.

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  1. Mountain_Dew

    Mountain_Dew Member

    This is the first time I've posted or done anything on here, I've been lurking for awhile.

    I've been suicidal for 5 years now.

    I've become an atheist, and it's really helped me through the years, but I just can't take it anymore.

    My best friend slept with my girlfriend of two years....

    Both have been sending me texts telling me to kill myself, (only really because they know I first tried to kill myself five years ago, I haven't tried since).

    The best friend relapsed and is back on crystal meth after three years, and has gone completely fucking crazy, and the girl is just !!!!!! .

    I'm in college, I'm about to become an uncle.

    I fucked up about two years ago when I was 18, just turned 18, and now that I'm almost 21, and am in the last month of my probation, after working terrible jobs cause a felon pretty much no matter what their education is, is considered shit, I've learned that I have five more years till the felony comes off and a few thousands dollars more.

    My moms been suicidal since I was born, she's mentally disturbed, and my 'caretaker', my dad just recently died and all the money he ever saved up went to a hospital because insurance doesn't cover anything anymore.

    Both sides of my family loathe me because I borrowed, kept, and stole money from them during my cocaine phase when I was 15-18, and no matter how hard i've tried, my grades in college, and my life, I'm still treated the same as when I was on the drugs!

    The town I live in still all but spits on me when they see me!

    I feel kind of lucky right now, because of my ambiguity, I don't want to die, but at the same time I do almost more than anything.

    I go for a mental clinic on the 9th, and am hoping I can get into one of those mental hospital things, but it gets tougher and tougher each second of everyday!!

    Like taking a step in a mile and each step you take an extra pound of weight is tied to your ankles till you can barely make another step, and your walking in wet sand!!!

    I'm glad i'm still lucid enough to myself to know I need help, but don't feel far from losing that.

    I don't know why I'm posting this... but writing it has calmed my nerves.

    The world just seems full of people fucking each other over, I don't want to believe that it's as bad as it is, but is it, I know a girl whose single handedly ruined three marriages, all with kids involved, and feels no regret but instead feels innocent for being the main part of the affair, and keeps doing it eagerly, My best friend turned his back on me, and worse just after smoking a drug, and continued to even when sober, my family if they don't ignore me, they gossip about me, and insult me face to face.

    I'm blamed for the heart attack that killed my father! And I can see even how that was my fault, because it was me when he saw me in the newspaper that caused it!

    I know to me and probably everyone else it all sounds like whining and bitching, but god, it's just so mentally messed up to me, I can't take it, I guess I'm looking for something to help me, and I don't know what, I'm guessing this is just me desperately trying to grab a rock to pull myself up off the cliff.

    If this is completely a wrong post to post, or whatever it's slightly/temporarily abated my nerves and pathological suicidal thoughts.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry life has been so tough to you. I don't think it sounds like whining and bitching, I think it sounds like someone in an awful lot of pain, who has had the courage to reach out.

    I'm glad you have an appointment on the 9th. Maybe we can help you get through that time until then. If you think being on a psych ward will help and why it will help, then tell them that at the assessment, also tell them what you think you need and why, and how you think they can help.

    You've had an awful lot go on for you. What I can tell you is that your 'best friend' and ex girlfriend are not worth it. Whilst right now it hurts, you will be far better off without them in the long run because, to be honest, they sound like toxic people.

    I'm so sorry about your dad. I don't believe it was your fault he died, it was unfortunate and tragic circumstances. Its often easier to blame someone because it makes us think it may not have happened and it could have been different, but no one actually knows that, and he could have died at that point, no matter what he was doing.

    Please keep talking to us.
  3. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I can relate with the atheism thing. I'm strongly atheist as well. Atheism is very depressing: there is nothing after death, the bad things that happen in life happen for no reason other than rolls of the dice, everything falls apart eventually... it can be maddening.

    I feel that religion frequently makes people happier. If we believed in imaginary good things, I suppose we'd be happier too. But I guess that I value truth over my own sanity.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with scum.. You are better off without your girlfriend and best friend..They have nothing positive to bring into the relationship.. As far as your dad dieing I am sorry to hear that.,.But I honestly beleive you were not the reason why..I've had one heartattack and one bout of angina.. It's from not taking care of myself..When you go to your appointment it might help if you have everything written down.. That way you don't miss anything.,.Stay with us and we will help support you..Take care!!
  5. Mountain_Dew

    Mountain_Dew Member

    Yeah kittylover.

    I would love to be religious, knowing that there was something there up there and there was a master plan....

    But it's all so ridiculous, and I even now, if I want to believe I can't, because I know it's not true....

    And I can barely sleep at night worried about dying, worrying what eternity feels like, I suppose like before I was born, but I desperately don't want to have to go back to that state.

    Even if I attended church and stuff, i'd still know that it's not true, and I do like knowing things, rather than believing things, truth > fiction.

    @Scum (fairly depressing name eh')

    I know that she's toxic, just since I was put on intense supervision probation, I've only kept two people near to me at least till it was over, as to just try and let the storm past by (two years probation), but I can't seem to just let her be, the first time I dropped her she stalked me and stood outside my apartment, and if I try to date a girl she sneaks in and ruins it for me, and if I try to make a friend she ruins it, she (this is an opinion) got my best friend on meth, he just moved back here, and we've been hanging out and she got knocked to the side, then she met him, and all the sudden he's on meth, and she knows those kinds of dealers. She goes out of her way to ruin any relationship I have, yet she's like this, and I don't know it's all crazy, I know I should break away, but it's really hard!

    Everyone keeps reminding me that this is how life is.... if life is your best friend fucking your girl, your family all but absolutely loathing you, a terrible job where your boss steals from you cause you can't find a better one, where you try your hardest, and study the hardest, and all is still shit...... is that even a life worth living? Where you get out of a five day stay at a hospital and noone is there to see you, where your friends aren't really friends if your not 100% ok and financially well.

    I guess in my head, I figure that you can have a friend you can always count on, and a girl that is faithful I don't expect at all, but a at least supportive person in your life, it just seems like everyone in the world is out to get you, and that isn't paranoia, theres a point where you have to stop and say, this is ridiculous you have to be out to get me!

    I don't know the hardest thing is reading the texts from friends telling me to kill myself...... it's so easy, and so hard to do at the same time....
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Ca you block those 'friends' from your phone number? You can call up the company and ask them to do it, or else document all that you get from the girl and all the trouble and approach the police with it, and effectively get a restraining order.

    I think this is what life SHOULD be like, and for most people, at some point, it IS like this, but it won't always be like that, same as it won't always be the wretched life that you have. Right now yuou have been let down by everyone around you, but that doesn't have to always happen. There can be a time when you do have decent friend, a future, fun, etc.
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