This is the first time I've posted or done anything on here, I've been lurking for awhile. I've been suicidal for 5 years now. I've become an atheist, and it's really helped me through the years, but I just can't take it anymore. My best friend slept with my girlfriend of two years.... Both have been sending me texts telling me to kill myself, (only really because they know I first tried to kill myself five years ago, I haven't tried since). The best friend relapsed and is back on crystal meth after three years, and has gone completely fucking crazy, and the girl is just !!!!!! . I'm in college, I'm about to become an uncle. I fucked up about two years ago when I was 18, just turned 18, and now that I'm almost 21, and am in the last month of my probation, after working terrible jobs cause a felon pretty much no matter what their education is, is considered shit, I've learned that I have five more years till the felony comes off and a few thousands dollars more. My moms been suicidal since I was born, she's mentally disturbed, and my 'caretaker', my dad just recently died and all the money he ever saved up went to a hospital because insurance doesn't cover anything anymore. Both sides of my family loathe me because I borrowed, kept, and stole money from them during my cocaine phase when I was 15-18, and no matter how hard i've tried, my grades in college, and my life, I'm still treated the same as when I was on the drugs! The town I live in still all but spits on me when they see me! I feel kind of lucky right now, because of my ambiguity, I don't want to die, but at the same time I do almost more than anything. I go for a mental clinic on the 9th, and am hoping I can get into one of those mental hospital things, but it gets tougher and tougher each second of everyday!! Like taking a step in a mile and each step you take an extra pound of weight is tied to your ankles till you can barely make another step, and your walking in wet sand!!! I'm glad i'm still lucid enough to myself to know I need help, but don't feel far from losing that. I don't know why I'm posting this... but writing it has calmed my nerves. The world just seems full of people fucking each other over, I don't want to believe that it's as bad as it is, but is it, I know a girl whose single handedly ruined three marriages, all with kids involved, and feels no regret but instead feels innocent for being the main part of the affair, and keeps doing it eagerly, My best friend turned his back on me, and worse just after smoking a drug, and continued to even when sober, my family if they don't ignore me, they gossip about me, and insult me face to face. I'm blamed for the heart attack that killed my father! And I can see even how that was my fault, because it was me when he saw me in the newspaper that caused it! I know to me and probably everyone else it all sounds like whining and bitching, but god, it's just so mentally messed up to me, I can't take it, I guess I'm looking for something to help me, and I don't know what, I'm guessing this is just me desperately trying to grab a rock to pull myself up off the cliff. If this is completely a wrong post to post, or whatever it's slightly/temporarily abated my nerves and pathological suicidal thoughts.