Going down the slippery slope again...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Butterfly, Jan 26, 2011.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I had my last bout of depression back in 2006. I have had depressive feelings since but never as bad as back then. I used to self harm and I tried to take my life.

    Since November 2010 I have started slipping. It started with anxiety attacks. I used to get such horrible palpitations and sickness. Sometimes it would last for minutes, sometimes for hours on and off. At the time I was stressed with my workload and practice placements, but to me it seemed nothing out of the ordinary. I had nice shifts and was reasonably on top of my work. I then started to get frustrated with ym anxiety attacks and think I was useless and good for nothing. It started from there. I tried pushing my fiance away from me because I believed he could do better than a depressive like me. He stuck by me but I just feel lonely and helpless when he's not here (we are in a long distance relationship due to univeristy committments). I am not sleeping well like now, it is 3.16am and I have to be up for 7am. When I do get to sleep I wake up quite often during the night.

    My panic attacks have stopped. I got my workload in and had 3 weeks off for my christmas break and spent it with ym fiance and family. It somewhat relaxed me and I was beginning to feel a bit more positive. It all went to pot when he went home and I went back to uni. One of my friends is being a complete tard and hardly speaks to me. I am also fed up of going out with my close friends who I went to school with because everytime I go out there's always some malicious rumour about me, my fiance or both. I never used to care but it is tiresome now. My immediate family is supportive but the rest of my family is completely messed up and I suppose that gets to me sometimes.

    I have gradually started feeling lower and lower and my breaking point came the other day when my fiance wanted to finish me because he felt like he was hurting me and couldn't help me. I lot the plot and ended up cutting myself. I was so disappointed in myself and my fiance went completely ballistic when he found out.

    I had a session about self harm at uni and I ended up telling one of my closest uni friends everything. She gave me the strength to get myself to the doctors. My doctor has put me initially on Citalopram 20mg so I have got to give them chance to work I know. I just feel completely hapless and useless and I am so frustrated. I really don't want to be like this anymore. I can't see anything getting better either. I don't know why this has been brought on I didn't really have anything out of the ordinary happen to me. Perhaps its just me but heyho.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sometimes depression sneaks back up on us and before we know it we are spiralling downwards again Good for your friend helping you get in and get some help. You know it will take time meds to kick in. I hope you don't get the side effects from it in the first 5 days if you do just stick to it okay.
    Have you thought about getting some therapy just to help you cope with all these emotions you feel at times. Hold on okay keep talking here to us let us know how you are doing okay hugs to you Pm me anytime you need to just be heard i am a good listener hugs
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Thank you. I have considered counselling but I don't know how it would benefit me at the minute. I had psychotherapy before and it really helped me with my self esteem issues and other issues as I was bullied. I don't know how counselling would help this time but I am still considering it. Another reason I am frutrated is because I don't seem to want to sleep. I am tired and want sleep, but can't. I am going back to my doctor on monday, do you think she may give me some sleeping tabs temporarily?

    I have not got any of the side effects yet as I have only started taking them the past couple of days. I know for the next week or so I could be in for a rocky ride due to increased suicidal and self harm feelings aswell as a dodgy stomach. I am going to try beat this, I just feel so lost right now.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    could be side effects of meds keeping you awake so doc may or may not give you meds for sleeping but call anyways okay see what he says Good for doc to know what is going on hugs Therapy is good in that you get to talk to a real person who can help with your thoughts and sadness hugs
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I hope you feel better soon. :hug:
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