"Going equipped".

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Jabez, Apr 17, 2015.

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  1. Jabez

    Jabez Well-Known Member

    Things have been getting steadily worse for me the past couple of weeks. I've been working through my feeling and memories about the rape with my psychologist. Two weeks ago I shared the details. Writing it all out for her made it so much more real to me, and was the first time I ever allowed myself to put all the details together in one big picture. Facing the full extent of what really happened has been devastating. I can't seem to work out how to move forward.
    I returned to work a few weeks ago after several weeks off due to an accident. Now my boss is needing me to take on more work, or a different type which means I have to go on my own into people's (strangers') houses. I don't feel safe. I'm terrified, but I can't say "no" without losing all respect and credibility in the workplace. I can't take any more time off work, as I have had so much already. And doing my job is the only thing which helps me feel like there is some point to my life - but now it seems that that job is not really valuable to the organisation the way I can do it. I feel like such a failure.
    I'm so sad and stressed, I don't think I can cope any more. My thoughts of suicide and self harm are building every day. For the past week I have been gradually collecting things together, feeling quite calm and fatalistic about it as I do. I am now "going equipped" for self harm and suicide at all times. I don't want to do this, really, for my kids' sake. I want to be strong enough for them. But it is getting harder all the time. I can't seem to make the choice to get rid of the gear - it is so reassuring in another way to know that it is there. I don't know if I can hold it together for much longer...
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry you have had such an experience and that the situation at work is making you uncomfortable. You are not a failure in any way. :hug: I can understand that going into strangers' homes doesn't feel especially safe.

    Have you spoken to your psychologist about the changes in your work responsibilities? She might have some suggestions for keeping yourself grounded and in the present (rather than triggered and/or anxious about the past). Or perhaps an assault/rape crisis counsellor could give you some reassurance and tips.

    Could you arrange to have a work partner when you have to visit someone's home? Maybe your boss doesn't quite realize the safety aspects of going in alone.

    Those are just ideas off the top of my head, so I don't know if they'll help. But please do know that eople here care. Please be safe and keep fighting the self-destructive feelings/urges. :arms:
  3. Jabez

    Jabez Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Acy. I will talk to my psych about it at my next session. It's only come up this week after my last session. I'm just so tired of fighting...
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