I am really trying to be upbeat. I am really trying to get my life back on track but every turn is thwarted. I am bringing my family down to new lows every day. Things that could not guess worse do. I have no future and no hope. I have always run from responsibility and will to do for a last and final time when I kill myself. There is not upside, there is no reason for me to stay on this earth. Just have to make sure that I do not screw this up as well.