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Going, going...

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I am really trying to be upbeat. I am really trying to get my life back on track but every turn is thwarted. I am bringing my family down to new lows every day. Things that could not guess worse do. I have no future and no hope. I have always run from responsibility and will to do for a last and final time when I kill myself. There is not upside, there is no reason for me to stay on this earth. Just have to make sure that I do not screw this up as well.


Staff Alumni
Hi allyn666,

I can tell you're trying hard to stay positive, and I understand that you're suffering and have no hope. :hugtackles: I don't think I have spoken to you before, so I look forward to looking at what else you have posted and getting more of a picture of what's going on with you.

Edit: I hope your wife knows that you are trying your best to get your life back on track and hope you believe your financial situation can get better.

Wish you the best,

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My wife has given me so many chances to change and improve that it is very difficult for her to stay supportive and positive, but she does most of the time. I am not sure that my financial situation is going to improve at all. I am almost unemployable at the present. My death would dramatically improve the financial situation for the rest of my family. Suicide actually seems like the right and most courageous step to take now. I am currently work lots more dead than alive at present.


Staff Alumni
Sending :hugtackles::hugtackles: your way.

Hope family members have called on you to check on you recently since we last talked.

Yes, actually they have. My brother, sister and mother have all called this weekend. They are rather worried about me and I can definitely see why. I am truly a mess. I am depressed, have almost no energy. I cannot stand to live my life like this.
Ally, I get the impression from what you say that you feel exhausted. This seems to be the main emotion in your posts. I'd say you need to take a break and go easy on yourself. You've put all the blame on yourself for the problems you and your family are going through. You can't do that. Take a step back, clear your head, and have a break. If you can, take a holiday (doesn't have to be to Mauritius, you could just go camping somewhere local very cheaply, but the chance to leave your problems for a few days could really help).
I do put responsibility of what has happened on me and that is only because it is true. I am the one who had affairs with three women. I am the one who lost three excellent jobs because of my arrogance, self centeredness, and raging alcoholism. I am the one who cannot find a job in my current profession. So, yes, I do take those on myself because it is 100% accurate. And you are right, I am getting so very very tired.
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