Going Home Soon

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anam_Cara, Apr 19, 2014.

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  1. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    Message says it all..im done with this joke of a life. DONE with it. Unless some miracle happens im going to go home to be with my sister (died in 1980) dad (died in 2006) and grandad (died in 2009). Ive freaking tried and TRIED to heal, wasnt bad enough ive got MS, degenerative spine disc and joint disease, 4 blown lumbar discs, osteo arthritis, type II diabetes, and probable endometrial cancer. now i have a leg fracture and nerve injury from a car accident that further disabled me. I was a passenger in a head on collision. Was already severely disabled but Could walk, take care of myself etc now i am in a walker and wheel chair and have to depend on family to do my laundry, fix meals, empty my bedside commode and take care of me. some of my relatives delight in rubbing it in my face how they do everything for me while i sit on my ass. Did i mention i want to stop breathing?

    I sought counseling because the added disabilities have made me severely suicidal. All i do is sit in a miserably hot, tiny room by myself with tv or net for company except at meal time or when i go to the Dr or store. No local friends and all net friends have abandoned me unless they need something.

    Got diagnosed with two weeks ago with PTSD, severe social phobia/anxiety, severe generalized anxiety disorder and severe major depressive disorder. I can NOT deal with this..its too much. To be at others mercy like this is WORSE than death. I crave being gone from this life more than family or counselor knows. Theres no point to my life now at all. Family would probably be happy to get rid of the burden (ME).

    Need and want to be with my sister, dad and grandad. Soon i will be too, unless things magically change. If not im going home when they remaining family least suspect it. Thats where i belong. On the other side. Breathing hurts too much. If theres no miracle or revelation that comes along soon ill see them, my departed loved ones. Maybe i wont be a burden to them at least.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Pain brings on so much sadness hun i am sorry you are suffering so much The fracture will heal h un and you will walk again just i know one more thing to pile on top of everything else
    Hugs to you Your family will NOT be better off without you hun hugs
  3. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I Like your quote by Oscar Wilde.
  4. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    Total eclipse- my family WOULD be better off without me. Grandma is 74 and having to take care of ME (a 35 year old) and my 16 year old daughter AND her dying 91 year old sister. I was helping out with chores and shopping etc before the accident with my limited mobility it was hard but i did it. Now im in bed 20 hrs a day unless i have a dr apt or we take a cab to shop. She has a broken wrist and hand from the accident i was injured in. She was the driver, and passed out at the wheel. Probably from the over exhaustion from caring for all of us. My 16 year old daughter refuses to help her or i with anything chore wise. All she does is sit and text her friends or play cellphone games. If asked more than once to do something she doesnt want to, she calls us every foul name in existence, throw things, bashes holes in the wall. Threatens us with self harming etc simple things like straightening her room, washing dishes, helping me bandage my injured ankle, bringing my diabetes injection in from the fridge. All are triggers and everything and anything shes asked to help with. She wont help me AT ALL so guess who has to? Grandma who should be resting not taking care of a great big fat ugly worthless granddaughter. Without me shed have A LOT less work, stress and problems. My daughter bullies, insults, degrades, humiliates, threatens and has in fact on numerous occasions a few years back she kicked, slapped, pushed, scratched and bruised me up. Her abuse isnt physical now, just mental and emotional.Her daily mission is to find every way possible of getting a fight goung that she can turn around blame on me and get me in trouble. My daughter is so cruel with her insults and bullying that several times a week it gets me so depressed that ill become suicidal, which when i do get in that frame of mind the attitude from everyone is "oh what? AGAIN??? You feel suicidal almost every day, not this again!" Those arent the exact words but thats the way my family comes off if i express that lifes too much for me and i cant take it anymore. Grandma, and i love the woman with all my heart shes the only who loves me sincerely. She raised me and is my mom in my mind and heart..she just doesnt understand how i feel. If i get suicidal thoughts or feelings she tries to motivate me to live by asking me "what about your daughter? Are you that selfish to leave her? Think of your daughter, she comes first!" WRONG thing to say to me. My daughter is 95% the reason for my wanting to die, her bullying and mental/emotional abuse drives me to wanting out. And before its suggested, yes my daughter IS getting counseling, so far her hatred and abuse of me hasnt ceased. My own counselor says its almost always a child being abused by a parent and shes not really seen the flip side where the child is abusing the parent. My daughter in her rages tells me she hopes i die, she hates me, she wishes id leave, im the reason shes so angry and how i ruined her life. Truth be told SHE is ruining MINE not the other way around. I dont even feel anything but numb around her. Shes traumatized me to the point im numb and cant feel anything but anxiety around her. Only one keeping me sane is grandma. Until grandma starts making comments about wanting to pass away and be with her husband of 55 years who died in 09'. She doesnt realize how traumatizing it is to have your rock, your mother , talk about wanting to pass away. Every time she does it triggers me and i have severe anxiety attacks because i start thinking of being abandoned and left by the one person who does love me. If grandma died, it would kill me. Literally. I honestly want to just pass away before she does, then i wont be left behind with no one who loves me. Praying my medical conditions take me out
  5. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    Thanks for that Sudut...my favorite quote by him
  6. Siferra

    Siferra Member

    If you kill yourself, how do you think it will affect your poor grandmother? At her age, she would probably die of grief.
  7. I hope it's not too late but forget about your grandmother, what does your daughter think of you? I can't imagine the physical pain you're in but I wonder how you will affect your daughter if you do what you have planned. I know living in pain is a horrible life to subject yourself to but how will your daughter react if you opt out? Are you guys close?
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