Going home?

Hey guys.

So, it's been nearly exactly a year since I finally got my ex out of my life completely. I'd say "since we broke up", but he dragged the break-up out for a full month, and I wasn't free until around this time last year. Interpreting "free" loosely, that is. You would think I'd be feeling better a whole year after I leave my abusive ex and have been with my new, more caring partner. Yet here I am, still haunted and scared.

Now, add to this the fact that I am studying abroad in Japan. As the crisis here worsens in the wake of the earthquake, my home university is apparently freaking out about its students here, and some have emailed the school saying they want to go home. Well, from what I have read, the rest of our year here might actually be canceled, and we could be pulled out of Japan. The spring semester at home has already begun, so it's too late for us to enroll in classes there. Instead, I'll be stuck at home until next year.

Home. Home, where my parents threaten me with therapy, constant supervision, and keeping me out of things I enjoy to prevent me from cutting and killing myself. Where my ex lives just down the street, and accidentally running into him is a real risk. Where I don't have the level of independence that I have here, that at least makes me feel like I'm in charge of my own life for once. Where I am judged every day. Where I'll be halfway around the world from my boyfriend in China.

I don't think I can do that. I don't think I can stand to live in that house with my parents again, to see the way they look at me when I have a panic attack and my mom somehow thinks it will help for her to come sit on the side of my bed when I'm trying to cry it out. Where the best help they can give me is "think of all the people with worse problems than you". Where I have been pushed and judged and demeaned and guilted and made to feel like a child every day since I can remember. I may be screwed in the head, I may want to kill myself, but in Japan I at least have a modicum of happiness. I am genuinely scared for myself if I have to go home. I don't know what to do.

 

With the horrors you are going through now in Japan, I think you should not decide anything...I am so sorry this is happening and is there anything we can do for you? If you have to go home, is there any way to set boundaries with your parents? From what you have said, it sounds like they are doing their best out of caring, and may be open to negotiating how things are done...again, I am so sorry for what you are going through and please continue to post as we are here for you...big hugs, J

 

Currently I have a flight booked for Sunday home to America, and my family is trying to switch it to one for Friday. I'm sort of relieved to be getting away from the disaster, but I love Japan, I don't want to go. And I'm getting frustrated with my parents just by talking with them on Skype. >.< I know it's cruel of me to resent what they try to do for me when they only do it out of love...but I don't know. I just need to maintain space somehow.

Maybe I'll start walking to the library to hang out away from home or something. Anything to get away. If only I had a driver's license. >.<

 

is there any friends you can stay with when you return maybe get a small apartment for yourself if you can some work i hope it all works out for you hugs

 

Hi Oloriel. I forgot that you were studying abroad over in Japan. It must have been scary with the 9.0 earthquake and devastating tsunami. I'm so glad that you're okay.

Your parents must be very relieved that you're okay and are coming home. I'm sure they will be happy to see you. Maybe you can have a 'grown up' conversation with them and tell them that you want them to treat you like an adult, because you are an adult. I hate it when my parents treat me like a kid, since I'm 30 now, but to them, you will always be their child.

I know that you will find the strength to cope, because you are a strong person. Try to avoid things that trigger you. :hug: