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Going insane, having MALICIOUS thoughts, asking for help

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Lastnight, Mar 11, 2012.

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  1. Lastnight

    Lastnight Active Member

    I've already realized the triviality of my life. My dreams are impossible to achieve, and I've made errors that will haunt me for the rest of this lifetime.

    I might simply seek to develop my character and accumulate knowledge, coming to terms with myself, my past, and the world around me.

    It is when I become aware of my presence as a potential threat to others (Whilst reaching my own breaking point) do I begin to question my place in this world.

    I reside within a household commonly shared by 3-5 humans (My mother & father, my younger brother / my brother's girlfriend, and my brother's best friend) , as well as 4 other animals (Three toy-sized dogs, and a cat, whom all live indoors) .
    I currently lack the motivation to work, or manage my own body. I do not have a job, and I do very little (if any) work at the house I live in.

    I have not brushed my teeth in over 10 months, and I primarily shower to clean my anus ( I use a body soap bar and my hand, as I am not comfortable with toilet paper) as well as wash my hands and feet. I tend to wash my hair once every 28 - 35 days.

    I seldom exercise, and I try avoid ever leaving the house.

    I cannot bring myself to wash my own clothes - there are five bags full of garments in my room that have not been washed in months. At the time, of typing this, I am wearing nothing more than a skirt over another skirt, both borrowed from my mother.

    I spend most of my time browsing the internet, playing video games, sleeping (This is perhaps how I spend the majority of my time) , interacting with the local lifeforms, or merely thinking to myself (Often brooding) .

    I usually interact with others casually, I rarely ever discuss personal issues I am having. I breakdown on occasion, but everyone seems to proceed forward, in the next few days it can seem as if never threw a fit to begin with.

    Now addressing my initial intent of this thread, there is a particular crisis that has been concerning me :

    I have been having malicious thought recently, some violent and even homicidal.

    Just yesterday, I had an urge to pick up our cat and snap her neck. I actually carried her out of the room I was in due to my worry.

    Later on in the day, I imagined killing the members of my direct family. I spent a whole hour mentally justifying the prospect. Had I possessed the proper tools, I may have actually gone through with it.

    Why I am having these thoughts? Perhaps it is former self trying to reassemble? Or perhaps it's a call for help, that I do not wish to acknowledge?

    As a younger teenager, I was a wicked and violent person. I found pleasure in mocking and criticizing others, and liberation in psychically harming them. In particular, there is two cases I especially regret :

    When I was 15, I used to abuse a cat. The very same cat I am now living with. Had the series of attacks never discontinued, she may have been killed. I won't go into details, but her voice has never truly been the same - her tail was damaged as well. The issue was never properly addressed, it was dropped when the attacks stopped.

    She may possibly be the most loving creature in the world, before and after the events. Over time, she seemed to forgive me for my crimes. Even know, she is very affectionate to others, including me.

    When I was 18, I made a promise to myself that I would not purposely harm a living creature again, whether that creature be an animal, human, or myself. I believe that agreement remains intact.

    I uphold a code of respect for my fellow family members (Close acquaintances as well), but I do not know if I "love" them.
    I agree to their company, but I presence or lack there of means little to me.

    I only feel truly compassionate for the animals I am familiar with.

    There are other concerns not addressed (Including my tinnitus, which is a very serious issue for me) - I may disclose them later.

    My conscience is speaking over the malicious voice in my head .. but I can hear it... faintly.

    I'm holding onto my rope, but I'm worried of what may happen if it were to snap...... I'm still contemplating if I should just muster up the courage to let go.

    Thank you reading (And replying, if you would) . I have many questions, but I know the answers do not lie within me.

    I need help
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 11, 2012
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Do you have a pdoc/therapist? Have you raised these thoughts and the past issues with him/her? If these things are clouding your mind now, could you get to the ER and talk to someone today?

    It seems that there are many issues involved- depression, family relations, violent thoughts, the past. Although I don't think you want to hurt anyone, it's likely better to get proper help soon, before things become more serious.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I agreewith Acy you need to get yourself to your doctor or ER and get some medication to stabilize your thoughts do that before you do harm something or someone okay hugs
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