Ok, so I'm not even sure where I could begin to explain the roller-coaster of the past year and change wherein I went from graduating from my Ivy League school, headed to take a year off in the mountains before Stanford Law to paralyzed in my parents house (and in the hospital), stuck both physically and mentally over a year later. Life has basically gotten flipped on its head five times over, and I've been both a person disconnected from the world emotionally, and an athlete, an outdoorswooman rendered kneeless... I have no release. After a year of duking it out, therapists, physical therapists, McLean, DBT, I'm going in to have the "big knee surgery" monday but can't help but hold on to all of these fears going in of- what if it's not the knee? Or, I know it's not the knee, why am I still waisting everyone's time. I just feel like I don't know if I can do this emotionally. I don't know how I can survive without the ability to move. I know I don't want to do inpatient, but then I have the eternal guilt from my last "target behavior engagement" still looming large, keeping my just barely afloat and from taking action... I hate not feeling understood by those closest to me. I hate not wanting to bring those closest to me in closer, hold them tighter, because I don't want it to matter whether or not I exist. I disappoint now because I don't want it all to be so wasteful, such a disappointment in the end. I don't know what to do. What to say to keep me safe, but moving forward.