Going into Surgery Suicidal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mga84, Oct 25, 2008.

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  1. mga84

    mga84 New Member

    Ok, so I'm not even sure where I could begin to explain the roller-coaster of the past year and change wherein I went from graduating from my Ivy League school, headed to take a year off in the mountains before Stanford Law to paralyzed in my parents house (and in the hospital), stuck both physically and mentally over a year later.

    Life has basically gotten flipped on its head five times over, and I've been both a person disconnected from the world emotionally, and an athlete, an outdoorswooman rendered kneeless... I have no release.

    After a year of duking it out, therapists, physical therapists, McLean, DBT, I'm going in to have the "big knee surgery" monday but can't help but hold on to all of these fears going in of- what if it's not the knee? Or, I know it's not the knee, why am I still waisting everyone's time.

    I just feel like I don't know if I can do this emotionally. I don't know how I can survive without the ability to move. I know I don't want to do inpatient, but then I have the eternal guilt from my last "target behavior engagement" still looming large, keeping my just barely afloat and from taking action...

    I hate not feeling understood by those closest to me. I hate not wanting to bring those closest to me in closer, hold them tighter, because I don't want it to matter whether or not I exist. I disappoint now because I don't want it all to be so wasteful, such a disappointment in the end.

    I don't know what to do. What to say to keep me safe, but moving forward.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You may feel better about things should you regain a bit more of your freedoms by having this surgery. You mention that people don't seem to understand. Have you spoken to them in a fairly direct way? Maybe they do not know the depth of your feelings. Don't be afraid to talk to someone about this. Take care. :hug:
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You said you tried therapy, well if that one didn't help see another one. It took me three before I found one who was good at what she does. You also have to be honest with them and open up and spill your guts. None of what you say will leave there office. They have to take an oath just like a doctor.
    If you don't tell them everything they can't do a profile on you. You would be wasting yours and theres time. Take Care!!~Joseph~
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