Going On Methadone

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by fromthatshow, Dec 5, 2013.

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  1. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Tomorrow I have an intake for Methadone treatment, and supposedly as early as Friday I could get my first dose. This in addition to attending NA meetings I hope can keep me sober this time. It is so hard to figure out what is going on in my head. I thought I was making a lot of progress. 3 years ago I spent all day every day, from morning until night, in my basement. Bad social anxiety and depression prevented me from doing anything. Now I have a job, I have friends, I play in a band. I have a life! Heroin didn't take a role in developing that life, that came after. But despite the heroin use, I still see myself as much better off than I was several years ago.

    My parents don't see it that way. I still live at home with my mom and sister. My mom is about ready to kick me out. I have to explain to her that I am going on methadone, that I will attempt NA meetings again, and that if I fail this time I will check myself into a rehab and a sober house from there and be out of their lives. I still don't get it because I feel that even though I am struggling with this, I am still better off than I was a while back. They didn't threaten to kick me out when all I did was stay in the basement all day. I have a life now, and this is just a part of it that I am struggling with.

    Recently I got a 2nd DUI, and my parents payed for a lawyer (which I didn't ask them too), and agreed I would pay them back. My payments are $100 to each of them the first of every month, and $65 to probation. I make my payments on time every month, I never miss work. I even got promoted at work recently! Also, I'm never anything but pleasant when I'm high. Most of the time I feel so guilty for being high that I clean the house, do the dishes, do the laundry! I guess it's just the fact that they see me high and know I'm high on heroin (which is the scary sounding drug). I also see it as unfair that this is a sort of punishment for being brutally honest with them. When I decided I wanted to quit, I started telling them everything. I told them that a girl that stayed over our house a lot was my dealer and using buddy. I told my mom about all the times I was high, and that I was still struggling, and how you could tell if I was high. I told her these things because I wanted to quit, and I have relapsed since all this happened. I was clean for only a month before I relapsed, but the desire to get clean has never left me, and that is why I am trying Methadone now and going back to meetings.

    Anyway I guess my point is, my thinking must be pretty flawed if I still cannot see my family's point of view. They're ready to kick me out and have nothing to do with me, while I see myself as constantly improving. I used to want to kill myself every single day. Now, despite the struggles with drugs, I don't think of suicide nearly as often. And that is not just when I'm high, even when I've had periods of sobriety, I have noticed that suicidal thoughts are a rarity rather than a daily occurrence! All I can do right now is try again, even though I relapsed. As many attempts as I've made and failed, all I can do is try again. I can take the knowledge of what led to failure in the past, and watch out for those things this time. Telling myself and others that I am trying again means nothing. Actions will speak louder than words. I feel like they think it's a joke that I say I'll try again but what the fuck else can I do? Going on methadone and going BACK to NA meetings are what will keep me sober so all I can do is try going to meetings AGAIN.

    So anyway wish me luck! I'll update here later letting you know how the methadone is going and if it's helped me stay clean! Sorry if this was too long. Had to get it all out!
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    My worst fear is being homeless in the winter in Connecticut. It's fucking freezing :(
  3. TriumphRider

    TriumphRider Member

    Best of luck to you my friend, I was on suboxone after popping pain meds like tic tacs for a couple years. Make sure u got a good doc and support group. I tried coming off suboxone once I felt it was no longer needed. Doc told me the orange poison didn't have with drawl an ill I got was "good luck". Now back on pain meds cause of that crap. Even heard of guys using heroin to kick the sub pains.

    Didn't mean to thread jack, just very weary of anything similar to meth or sub. If it helps you then your in my thoughts friend. Good luck
  4. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I hear methadone usually has more negative consequences than suboxone...one of them being that it's harder to get off of. I don't know for sure cause I've never been on methadone, but my husbands been on both and that's what he says. i've been on suboxone for like 4 years now. All I know for sure is suboxone sucks pretty badly too after you've been taking it as long as i have. to be honest, it really is just switching one thing for another when it comes to any opiod. sure, i have a doctor who prescribes it to me so i don't have to worry about spending AS much money as I would on the streets (but only cause I have medical insurance, if i didn't, i'd be spending hundreds upon hundreds of dollars either way), but there's still other shit I need to worry about. Paying for the appointment itself is $150 every month, and I usually stuggle to come up with that, also there have been times when I ended up being a little short before my next appointment, causing my husband and I to run around like lunatics trying to find somewhere to get these things...and while I'm doing that it basically feels the same as running around to try to get heroin, except knowing at the end of the day that after all that running around you won't have heroin, just a suboxone strip. So it's not all gravy all the time with that shit either. and also, this is the god's honest truth...if I knew everything i know now about suboxone, I swear to god I would rather have just gone cold turkey off heroin or at least go to detox or something...because trying to get off these fucking things is absolutely ridiculous and seemingly impossible. Whereas heroin detox lasts a week, suboxone detox is like a month if you're lucky...if you're not then up to 2. Oh, and by the way, I say all this while taking a piece of suboxone right this very second. So, there's the irony served on a silver platter for you right there. Regardless of the opiod, whether is suboxone, subutex, or methadone...if there's any way you can try to quit H without doing those, do yourself a favor and go for it.

    As for your family, you're not fucked up for not understanding their point of view. My family has a very fucked up and biased point of view on addiction. Some people who have never had any experiences with it are just very judgmental and less than helpful when you need them most. I, too, told my mom before what to look for when I'm high, and you know what that got me? Her bitching at me that I looked high the next day when I was sick as fuck trying to detox from heroin. I was like "Are you freaking kidding me? I sincerely wish I WAS high now, but no, I'm not. Thanks for that, though." Like, I kind of understand where they're coming from, too...they're scared and don't know what the right thing to do is...but if they keep affecting your sobriety you just gotta stay the hell away. With all negative influences. Do what's best for you and don't feel guilty about it. Just because you've done a lot of wrong as an addict, doesn't give anyone the right to step all over you or make you worse when you're trying to do the right thing.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 31, 2013
  5. ima.grandma

    ima.grandma New Member

    To Asphyxiate:
    . I don't know anything about your experiences other than what I have read from your post. My experience with opioids began at the age of 17 with cervical cancer and as a 57 year old with multiple physical and now psychological issues, I believe you have remarkable insight and are spot on! I have been on both Suboxone and Methadone in the last five years. Both were almost unbearable to withdraw from but for me Sub was the worst. I have lived most of my life in withdrawal. Good luck. Peace
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2014
  6. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    My experience with opiates/opiods actually began with suboxone itself when I was 21. My ex was a heroin addict and on suboxone, and I've struggled with mental illness since I was a teenager, so one day I felt like shit and he offered me a piece of Sub, and I started taking it off and on whenever I felt like I wanted to mask my emotions. Then, his mother got diagnosed with stage 4 cervical cancer (which I'm very sorry to hear about you having to deal with as well), and the doctors started giving her dilaudid and fentanyl patches, and after she died all that medication was left over, and obviously the whole situation hit my ex pretty hard and he took the rest of those medications and we started getting high, then moved on to heroin...first snorting then shooting, and taking suboxone the whole time in between binges. I've had periods of clean time, broke up with my ex, then met my husband in NA and relapsed again with him since then, but as of right now I've been clean since Feb 2013 besides the Subs. That's the longest period of clean time I've had so far. Oh, and I've also had a bit of a scare with cervical cancer myself. I found out I had HPV when I was 19 and I never really went to the gynocologist so when I finally did go, they diagnosed it as "carcinoma in situ" and when I found that out, that freaked me out pretty badly, but it's under control now. It's crazy how many women have this and don't know about it until it's too late or progressed to something really serious.
  7. motobreath137

    motobreath137 Member

    I hope your methadone treatment is going well. I have been on it for almost a year now. For me, this time getting clean has stuck because I have accepted all the help the clinic I go to has to offer. They have helped treat my bi polar/ manic depression, both per-existing and exacerbated by my decade long heroin and crack addictions. While it is true that methadone can be like just trading one for the other, if you are serious about getting clean it is a wonderful tool to help you achieve that. I chose methadone over suboxone (this time) because I go to the clinic for daily doses which helps provide a structure for sobriety and the clinic also offers psychiatric and therapeutic help.

    I would love to discuss your treatment and offer any help I can! Both as someone who has been through this line of treatment and as a companion going through the same struggle.
  8. motobreath137

    motobreath137 Member

    Also, I would like to add a bit on NA. I have deep philosophical and pragmatic issues with the AA/NA system. However, all that aside, I think it is best to keep an open mind about group meetings and realize that your decision to quit and commitment to sobriety makes you in control of your addiction. NA meetings can be therapeutic, but in the end it was YOU that quit, and you have YOURSELF, not NA to thank or rely on.

    These meetings can be a positive thing, but if you become dependent on them to stay clean, in my view, the cycle of addiction has not been broken.
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