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going on..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by downmage, Apr 3, 2007.

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  1. downmage

    downmage Well-Known Member

    So, I am basically looking at my present situition and I see two choices. Leave this place and be homeless, ( rent prices are outrageous here ) and live out of my car ( the only thing that's something of worth that I own) or take my life and exit out of this world. Right now my only source of income is SSI and that's not a lot to be able to live of.

    There are many reasons I want to leave this world and that's because my so called " neighbors " are spreading some vicious lies and half-truths about me. In the past they have harassed me, they have followed me to work, they made crank phone calls to my work. That's one reason. The neighbors can lie about me all they want. ALL LIES LEAD TO THE TRUTH. I even heard that people are slandering our mailman, calling him a pervert, because he is on the internet so much. I am not sure it's the same folks but.. How the fuck would they know? That is so full of shit!

    This is how it all starts, someone's hears something and doesn't get all the facts and the next thing is that they tell their friends and tell there friends, then all of a sudden the untruth starts to build and build into just full blown lies.

    The other reason I no longer want to stay in this world is that I have failed at everything that I have ever done. It wasn't for trying either. I didn't do that well in high school but I did great in junior college but none of that schooling ever helped me. I failed in boot camp in the Marines, I failed in real estate twice, I failed in the mortgage business as well, I failed in my little hobby business, I did do well at times going to casinos and counting cards at blackjack but I was drawing a lot of heat doing that and my bankroll wasn't big enough to make any impact over the long run. So I've had to do a lot of "shit jobs " like working at a call centers doing customer service and working as a night security guard. So you can see, it hasn't been because I was or not motivated or lazy. Things just never went my way.

    I wouldn't be surprised if my vengeful neighbors tried to follow me. I really don't care at this point. I would rather be dead than to live out of my car. I don't care what anybody thinks of me at this point either. They can just all fuck off. I am going to take some time here and sorta get my affairs in order and make a decision. I am also unsure of the method I might use as well so that's something I need to look more into. If I was going to be followed there are places that they will never find me.

    Another reason I am interested in leaving this world is that I am at times starting to " see things ". I even accused my nefew of stealing mail from me. I don't want to have to go thru life wondering if what your seeing is real or not. That's a fucked up place to be. I can deal which hearing voices but seeing something that not real..is not something I am interested in dealing with. Yeah I take meds, but they don't work 100%.

    Believe it or not, I am not really that bitter. I am capable living out of my car & working, but that's a living hell.

    Also, I know of some people who just die. I think my mother's will to live was cut off when her only friend in the world stole her money and her jewerly. She just went downhill then and died. I have heard different stories about things going so bad for people that they just sort of up and died. That's what I would like to happen to me. Just die quickly and not have to use a method.

  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Could you possibly move to an area that is less expensive so you can afford to have a home or apartment of your own? There are also sites out there with people looking for a room-mate to share the rent. I do admire your tenacity though. I really believe that you will find your "niche". Have you thought of speaking to a career counselor? They can look at your strengths and weaknesses and find the perfect job for you. Good luck and keep trying!
  3. downmage

    downmage Well-Known Member

    I don't have it in me to keep going on. I think my ride on earth is coming to a stop.

  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Hmmm...Well, if you do not want help, I don't know what to say, except that it is your duty as a GOOD human being (and you ARE one) to stay around. You can change the lives of others, and by doing so, save your own. Maybe if you stop focusing on YOU (and I'm sorry...I'm not judging you, but if you could find something or someone else to help?) then maybe you will be able to see the beauty that life has to offer by being a source of Beauty yourself. Make the world a better place before you go...if you must go, then do something amazing first...maybe THAT will enable you to see your own self-worth, and therefore, give you a reason to keep going, if only for the sake of others. Couldn't hurt...
  5. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Maybe you dont think you have it in you, but I think you do. Living in a car sucks bad, yeah, cant you stay a while at family or friends. Till you find a new place like peanut said. I think thats a great solution for that problem.
    And about the failing. You shouldnt look at only the things you failed. Do you know how much that happens to people. Everyone fails. I think you just made the wrong choices. Is that really what you would wanted to do? What do you want to do? You just should think about what you really would like to do, what kind of job, hobbie etc. Can really motivate you to go on.
    Uhm what else..? Oh yeah the seeing things. You really need to leave those neighbours. I think what they did and do are making you a bit paranoid. Thats really understandeble. Try to move to a place where you feel safe for a while, that can be with family or a friend.
    I really dont know if this was helpfull, because I dont know the situation, whats going on further, how you're feeling etc. But please try to hold on. And you can always pm me if you need help, just a chat or whatever. Sorry my advice was probly louzy. I'm known for that, lol
    Be safe and take care
    :hug: Julie

  6. I completely disagree. It is not DownMage's duty do do anything he doesn't want to do. Until this world improves, which from what I see, it's only getting worse, certain necessities in life just aren't going to happen. DownMage, think about your life and the possibilities and probabilities of what you want, and decide what you want to do. We can hope you don't end your life, we can try convincing you not to end your life, but we can't force you to stay alive. Take care :hug:
  7. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    I volunteer with the homeless. They represent some of the happiest and most carefree, albeit sometimes smelly, people I've ever met. I'm curious how they manage it.
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