So, I thought it would be helpful to me to be completely open and honest about my SI, praying that it would discourage me from doing it again. I hoped I could say it was in the past and that I was trying my best not to do it anymore. It seems this backfires often. I didn't mind or care if people thought I was attention-seeking, as even if I was, maybe it's a good thing after hiding everything from the world for a near decade. HUH? Maybe it's not so bad that I would actually want to talk about it after all this time. But, I feel like I'm constantly being invalidated and treated as "less" somehow, in this particular corner of the world I revealed myself. I feel like it was stupid, I shouldn't have trusted these people...and yet, I despise feeling so sheepish and ashamed now, because it was my goal to be able to look anyone in the eye and tell them why I had scars on my arms. But, I feel suddenly weak and vulnerable. I hate the fact that it makes me feel vulnerable to have someone know about my SI. And feeling vulnerable is often something that triggers me to cut again. So, what the fuck?! Catch-22. I don't know if I can get over it as long as I'm ashamed of it, but trying to combat that shame is a sure-fire way to make me want to SI again. I envy people, especially celebrities, who can just be so candid about it. Just to be able to live as yourself, not have anything like that to hide from others. I'm sick of feeling like I have this deep, dark secret to hide from the whole world if I ever want to be a part of it.