I am beginning to feel extremely exasperated with seeking help, because there just doesn't seem to be any actually out there for me. It's such a lonely and hopeless position to be in. Let me explain. I began seeking help in January 2011 for a bout of depression that had lasted for 2-3 months or so. I began seeing my GP, who was very supportive and started me on Citalopram. The medication did help to numb things out for a while, but that's all I ever really felt was numb. After a month or so, she increased the dose. After the first dose increase to 40mg I had my first bout of unpleasant changes. I began having racing thoughts, feeling agitated, having far too much energy than I knew what to do with. Before starting the medication, over the years I had quite mild up's and down's, where for a couple of weeks I'd feel really good, positive, take up new hobbies etc then it would begin to fizzle out and then I'd feel quite down for a couple of weeks, but it did eventually right itself. This would happen every few months or so, but it didn't impact on me too badly so I never really thought it was abnormal. I had very dramatic mood cycles as a teenager, and a period of severe depression that resulted in a bad suicide attempt, but I did begin to recover from that after having therapy and treatment. But this time, the depression just wasn't shaking off despite all I had previously learned from my therapy when I was 15. Anyway, my GP ended up stopping the Citalopram, and changed my medication to Fluoxetine. I was only able to tolerate this medication for just under 2 weeks. It triggered severe suicidal ideation and crazy nightmares and I ended up taking a couple of overdoses. I couldn't take it anymore so I went to A&E. I told the mental health liaison nurse how I'd been feeling. He asked me about my past mental health, and when I said that my depression took a turn for the worse when I moved towns and got bullied at my new school, he immediately attributed things to that. Everything I said after that, didn't matter. Although I didn't feel very supported and like it was a great waste of time, he did refer me on to a therapy and counselling service. So a couple of months passed, and I got a letter in the post saying that a CPN was going to take on my care. I found out through him that the service had rejected my referral because of my impulsive behaviour and history of self harm, and was deemed to be too high risk for their service. The aim of the CPN was to get me at a point where I could be re referred back to the service. But things only seemed to unravel fast. The paranoia, anxiety, delusions got worse and I started seeing and hearing things despite another medication change onto sertraline. The CPN referred me to a psychiatrist for a bipolar assessment, and he discharged me from his care. But since seeing the psychiatrist, my moods have fluctuated more. The impulsive behaviour and psychotic episodes have become more frequent despite another 2 medication changes (onto Quetiapine at several doses, then she added Duloxetine in conjunction with the anti psychotic, then she stopped the anti psychotic because it was affecting my concentration at work too much and was just on a higher dose of Duloxetine which is nearly maxed out). She has not listened to me, lied to me and has taken 2 years to just basically faff about doing nothing. I have been under the crisis team at one point because things got so bad, but because I still wanted to go to work they told me I was not serious or suicidal enough for them and left in the dark AGAIN without anything. I have paid for private therapy, and whilst he helped me with coping mechanisms, he felt that's all he could do with me because he felt my problems were more of a chemical imbalance rather than looking at thought processes and triggers. I understood this, and I agreed with him and told my psychiatrist this also. He brought our sessions to an end, but left his door open to me if I needed him in a crisis. At my last psych appt, my psych said that she still couldn't see symptoms of mania (because everytime she schedules her appts I'm always cycling through depression) but agreed that my episode I was having was bipolar depression. I've kept several mood diaries several times to show her when my moods are elevated, when I'm psychotic, when I'm depressed and to me it follows a very predictable cycle. I felt like I was finally getting somewhere, and she referred me to a group therapy CBT programme. And that brings me onto today. Today was the day of my assessment. And let me just add, I attended today's appointment following a night shift and didn't go home and waited in town until my appt at 12pm. So I go to the appt, therapist introduces herself and explains the services and therapies that they provide. And I am already thinking, I do not qualify for any of this. The first one was for a group of terribly self critical people, with severe triggers and was a more peer support kind of based CBT. I did not qualify for that because I am not overly self critical, I don't have any known triggers either. Therapist said I do not qualify, and for other reasons too. The second option was a type of CBT based for chronically depressed people, who can barely motivate themselves to do anything. I did not qualify for that either, because I go to work and have a routine etc. The last one was a mindfulness based CBT. It sounded like I could have possibly qualified for that, but the therapist didn't think it was appropriate, because a lot of the group members for that programme are people chronically depressed, out of work and generally very pessimistic. She felt it would be too detrimental and could potentially make things worse for me. She said that the service they provide is people in that "last chance saloon" and I was not at that point. She said it sounded like I needed to be referred to a less intense service, back to rightsteps. I almost cried. I told her that whilst I understood why she could not offer me therapy and treatment, I've been in this cycle for 2 years, waiting for this assessment for two years because rightsteps rejected my referral because of the impulsiveness and self harm, and that it is worse now than it was then. She did see my point, and I think she saw the amount of pain and frustration I was feeling. She said she would discuss my case at the therapy referrals MDT on Thursday, to talk to her colleagues to discuss where to go next. She said she didn't want me to just literally go back to having nothing again. So it's now a waiting game again. She said the next possible option is a referral to psychology, BUT I know how long the waiting list is. I will be AGAIN waiting around for something that probably I'll be told I don't fit into their criteria. I also found out from the therapist that my psych had put down on the referral UNIPOLAR, not bipolar, so again, my psych is lying to me. She sent the referral after she told me about the bipolar depression. I was wrong to think I was actually getting somewhere. I feel so disheartened. I felt, worthless, exasperated and so alone. The rage pulsed through my body as I left the appointment. Whilst I understand their decision, it doesn't make it any less painful. Back to square one. The feeling of going backwards rather than going forwards. I just don't feel like there is a point anymore. I am just, not mild enough or not severe enough. It took everything I had not to go and do something reckless and impulsive as I left. I have always tried, because I don't want to die. But I CANNOT live like this either. I don't want to have to lose everything I have by completing losing it just to get myself into that "severe" category. I feel so triggered, I actually feel triggered by something!!!! I'm obviously so worthless and not worth anybody's help. Maybe when I was psychotic I was right, maybe they are trying to kill me. Maybe there is a mind control device, maybe they are watching my every move through secretly planted camera's, maybe they are secretly and subtly taunting me, making me think I'm crazy. Maybe I wasn't imagining it all or delusional. But I must have been crazy to think that anybody would help me.