Going to attempt

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Aug 25, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Well I have decided that I have to do this... I have no other choice nor do I see any other choice but to..

    Now the reason or reasons why I have to do this..

    1 - As others on here have seen and read from my posts I have tried several times to make peace with some people.. I have written letters that have came back to me refused ( waste of time and money on my part ) I have called only to find out that it would not go through.. ( perhaps they either changed their number , blocked me or I had dialed the wrong number ) I have written even talk show hosts which unless you live within 50 miles from where they do the show then you can not get on the show.. I have made several pleas here online and at other places yet it either goes un-noticed , ignored , or they just don't care.. I have a troubled spirit.. I cant ease my mind or spirit until I talk with them to make peace at lease so I am screwed there because my mind and spirit may not release from my body until that is resolved so I would be lingering in a body that is dying and they are willing to keep me in this bondage so I will attempt it for good and will succeed as I have gotten more so I can make sure I succeed in it ...

    2 - I am already dying of cancer so I am going to end it before it gets to bad on me.. I seen what it did to my mom and others here know what it can do to someone.. the know the person don't get better.. you know they get worse and worse so to stop it before I get that worse I am ending it before I get too sick...

    3 - my family don't care for me at all.. my older brother practly hung up on me the other day.. those that are suppose to love and care for me really don't give a damn about me.. I have no spiritual family that even cares.. and I cant trust them now even if they did say they cared it would be a flat out lie cause I have been lied to before way to many times... you cant just tell someone you love them.. you have to show it also... a person could say they love you a thousand times yet if they never show it then how do you know what they say they really mean... Like when someone you love passes away they are all around you saying we love you , we understand , but what about the other times??? Gods true love is not temporary and just come around when something tragic happens.. it is forever...

    4 - I would actually be doing the world and others a favor.. I would spar them the misery of watching me suffer and fade away from this cancer.. I would spar the Daltons whatever it is they hate me for because I would be gone and out of their lives and that's what they want so its best I just die and then they can continue on.. My brothers then could have a good time without me cause they just don't care about me anyhow....

    Yep that's 4 good reasons that I have to do it.. so this labor day weekend I am going , for good.. no ifs ands or butts about it.. and so perhaps someone may try and stop me this time around or interfere again but chances are they will not be around me all they time as I am sure they have a life and job to get back to , me I don't...

    yep I know sitting here complaining about it , planning it , etc but in all reality this is the truth and I am doing it... those who don't believe I will or can , fine , all the more better , just when you see me not at church come this next Sunday , come over to my house you will see im gone, cause I wont be home, in fact be already gone by that Sunday if things go well for me..

    yep I know going to get negative remarks or maybe none at all , that's fine.. im not here for attention.. I am just letting everyone know because after this Thursday when you no longer see me here just know I did do it.. no ifs ands or butts about it.. Sorry that's just what I need to do and the thing about all of it is that I am no longer scared to do it... I know what to expect , and all I got to do is take them and its over...

    this little dove is going away.. no bullshit about it... im going.. its not like I really have another choice.. I mean I am dying.. I have cancer.. I am getting weaker each day.. if I stay I will be in a bed and cant go no where but stay in bed , that's just not the life for me.. its just not the way I want to go out as.. sorry but I just have to do this.. I have a troubled mind and spirit and each day it gets harder to go on so im really do everyone a favor.. besides the Daltons want to keep me in pain because they refuse to help me ease my mind well im not gonna be in pain anymore.. they cant help me ease my troubled mind and spirit then I will end it my way and on my time...
     
  2. TranceAngel

    TranceAngel Well-Known Member

    i hope you find the peace you're looking for. my thoughts and prayers are with you
     
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    The chips maybe down but why should you give in. Alot of people on here are fond of you, you have friends here. Through that you can gain strength. It only takes one person to make all the difference.
     
  4. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    yes but it also can take one person or two to hurt enough or put enough hurt upon one to cause them to do it....


    I have tried to mend the fences with the Daltons.. i have tried to make peace. i have tried to forget about them but every time my moms B-day rolls around i will remember that it is also Davids B-day and every time dads B-day comes around i will remember Elaines... I cant forget them so if i end it i will not have to worry about seeing another B-day that will remind me of them... I loved them.. I truly loved them alot and my heart is heavy with the hurt of not ever seeing them again.. With the hurt of not ever being able to make peace... I cant go on .. I cant continue to fight this depression , this emotional pain , this cancer pain.. I have no one..absolutly no one...

    Online i have friends , offline i have no one.. Cant do it anymore.. I am unloved offline.. When i log off there is no one there for me... its not like it would really matter.. I havent sleep in a long time.. my body is wearing down upon me.. my heart is fading away cause it is broken.. my life is over..

    You know the minister A.W. said that i was not ready for the graveyard yet but i am.. i am a worthless piece of a nobody that needs to just lay down and die... Thats what i am going to do... Just lay down and die...

    i feel nothing anymore.. Why? Why couldnt you care enough to help me ease my troubled mind Mr. Dalton? Why do you and your wife continue to cause me this much pain , angish and torment? Am i really that bad of a person? Is it that my spirit is not worth it?

    You know i will do it when i make a promise to do it and thats what im doing.. My promise is im going.. its not like i can live much more longer anyway.. A.W. said he had to do a funeral for someone who took his own life a few days ago well he will be doing one for me come soon..

    Why couldnt you help ease my mind?? I was not the one who did it and one day you will find that out but by the time you find out the truth i will be gone.. i needed peace.. peace from my troubled spirit yet you keep me in a bondage..

    I did all i can do and its time i gave up.. I am finished.. You will soon learn of my death.. God is calling me home and my time is almost up.. when you learn of how i passed away you will know that i spoke the truth when i said God is calling me home.. He says times up... And i must go.. Sorry i could not make peace with you both... I never meant you any harm and if i had only known what was going on and what my niece was doing then i could have stopped it all but i did not know and i was blamed because after all it did come from my computer.. My only wish was that you could have come to me and told me instead of assuming the worst... I thought you knew me better then that and i thought i knew you both better but i assume i was wrong like im wrong about everything else..

    Peanut tells me she feels im slipping away... if only she knew just how right she was.. A person knows when their time is up.. they really do know it and i cant even begin to explain it to you... I am going home.. I am honestly really going home...
     
  5. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    You have all the right in the world to feel like you do and I hope, you have all the strength to follow your choices. Lifes' yardstick is quality and not its quantity of survival skills. The gradual loss of what make you 'you' and the inability to prevent 'you' turning into an empty 'not you' is a frightening scenario.

    Surround yourself with those who are able to give love and say your good-bye.

    I had to watch my mother die of cancer. Ever since I watch myself trying to live. I'm not succeeding.
     
  6. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    but thats the thing.. no one is able to give love back to me because i am not worth it.. my spirit is not worth it.

    Saying goodbye is absolutly true cause i am going to say goodbye to those at church today, perhaps give those a hug that will accept a hug from me and little do they know it will be the last time they get to see or speak with me.. Those that dont give me a hug or speak with me will wish they did..

    p.s. i like your screen name and thanks for the feedback
     
  7. ShalenaM

    ShalenaM Well-Known Member


    Uh, no you're not going to do it white dove..I love you! I have grown to like you, and I think you're cool and funny..

    (I mean what you told me on the email)

    And you just can't go! Please! All I can do is sit here and whine like a baby, but when I thought you died because you werent here for a while..I freaked out..Yiou can not go..and this is not lip service..There are tons of others on here saying the same..but you have become my friend..even if I"ve never seen you..you have a good spirit deep down, and I can tell..

    You are doing something good..YOU ENCOURAGE ME EVERYTIME YOU RIGHT TO ME.!:smile:

    And your advice helped me tremendously, you absolutley can not! Think about it, you do have something good about yourself! You have a lovely spirit! It touches me! I don't give a ---- what anyone else thinks of you, you are a very nice person...and it hurts me to read that people are still mean to you after all of this! I would surely do something about it if I could..But all I can do is write, or type..

    I love you..

    Love- Shalena..:dry:
     
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    sorry hun , but i cant post anymore..

    my posts offend to many people... Besides i will be going this weekend so i hope you take good care my friend..

    got to hold all this inside me now and it will build up inside me that it will almost explode at the time this weekend which is good in a way , kind of , it will help me to do it and succeed...

    love you too sweetie
     
  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Salena is right, Susan. You cannot go. You mean too much. Fuck the people who don't care, and fuck the people who are mean.

    Also, I know you fought with your brother and he hung up on you, but it happens! People argue, especially when they care about each other and it in no way means they do not care! Let your family in on what you are going through and I guarantee you will find support and love. Be fair to them and share your burden. :hug:
     
  10. evan d

    evan d Member

    Good luck buddy
     
  11. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    I don't think you have the guts to.
    You've posted this stuff MANY times before...
    whichc is a good thing in the long run.
     
  12. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    want to bet on that???

    yep i posted it many times , hoping for a reason or the attempt and time to do it to actually get it down.. something always interfered with it.. i never could do the job or have the alone time to do it..

    Ask the minister how many times i told him i was gonna do it, go on ask him , then ask him if i did it or not.. go ahead i got nothing to lose by you asking that..

    do you know how many times i have physically attempted it?

    3 times , each time taking a little bit more , well guess what???

    if nothing interfers ( which i dont think it will and i have that on a high authority ) you will hear and even see my obit as i have given the links to the local news in my area that shows resent obits and i have a high favor from someone here that i truly trust who will do what he says he will do and let you know when it happens.. each time it gets easier for me.. this will be my forth attempt..

    So you want to bet on it???
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2007
  13. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Blackness, I know you are trying to help White Dove, but the things you say are taunting and may be misconstrued by WD as being antagonistic...she is in pain and alone...please do not hurt her more than she is already hurting.
     
  14. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    dont worry peanut

    nothing can hurt me anymore..

    the damage is already done a while ago..

    only way to let others know i have given up is to do it which i fully intend to do...

    its just a matter of time... thats all it is , just a matter of time , and like i said above ..

    want to bet on it? ask the minister who did not take me seriously, go on ask him.. see what he tells you...

    i got a 77 classic station wagon i can bet with you on it.. only thing is what ever you put up be prepared to lose and hand over to one of my family members cause hun your gonna lose cause i am dead serious

    oh and btw way not only did i inform the minister but also several other web sites for over 1 year before i did the attempt ( the 3 attempt that is ) the one that put me in the hospital and physic ward for 3 days and the one that stopped my heart , lowered my blood pressure, etc .. all it takes is just a little more then what i took the last time and in this case i have 10 times more..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2007
  15. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    Yes i know she is hurting and alone. What do you think the rest of us are HAPPY?? er no
    so dont accuse me of being "antagonising" or what ever else.
    I am just tired of reading certain members threads hwo say their going to kill them selves today yet never do. I know im not the only one with this opinion, yet i am the only one brave enough to say what i really think.

    Anyway I just wont post in any of her threads again and you all can go along with this game, ive had enough and am sick of people being so blind and fake!
     
  16. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    FOR your information it is not a stupid game.. and i dont think calling others blind and fake is a good idea.. either...

    You can think what you want to just know that when you see my obit then you will know i spoke the truth ..

    i dont play games.

    i came here for support and a reason to keep holding on , not to play some stupid game cause my pain is real..

    and other thing , if you dont like reading them then block them.. im not forcing you or anyone else to read them... i didnt come here for attention.... oh and the minister thought it was a game too until he seen me in the hospital ...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2007
  17. RunningAway

    RunningAway Well-Known Member

    :blink: :blink:
     
  18. crazy

    crazy Well-Known Member

    i understnad your going thro so very much, however i would like to point out some things

    1. cancer can and does go into remission
    2. theyre always coming out with new treatments for cancer
    3. who's to say that tommorrow or next week your not going to run into those people you were talking about or get back in touch with them?
    4. ive been told and believe that we, each and every person on earth, can have 2 families, 1 your born into and 1 you can actually choose...so if the family you were born into doesnt care about you, pick your own family, maybe some people from here even
    5. life can change in a second literally for the better, the thing is we never know when that second is going to happen
    6. many people here care about you, including me
     
  19. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    Thanks for caring :hug:

    As to number 3 that will never happen.. they hate me.. and i did nothing to them... it was a mistake , a misunderstanding who hurt them on their part and its useless for me to try and find peace or even make peace.. ive given up... i honestly have given up... on my life...
     
  20. kungfuhamster

    kungfuhamster Member

    White, I feel so sorry for you. How bad are your symptoms from your cancer now? :sad:
     
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