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Going to be a bad day

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by VioletDawn, Jun 16, 2018.

  1. VioletDawn

    VioletDawn SF Supporter

    The despair is so strong today. As soon as I woke up I could feel it there, festering away in my gut.

    I ran through my usual distractions. Make breakfast.. check. Watch random tv.. check. Listen to calming music.. Check. Nothing is making a dent. I feel it fill every part of me till I can hardly see.

    I'm dreading going out today. It's only the supermarket but the way I'm feeling, I fully expect I'll end up in tears. I do want to do this. Any of this. I slept around 10 hours and I'm still exhausted. Exhausted of the flashbacks, of the barking dog next door, of the neighbours shouting at the barking dog. It's only 10am and I feel like this already. It's going to be such a horribly long day.
  2. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter


    I know that feeling of “how am I going to make it through this day?” o_O

    My social anxiety has been bad so I know dreading the supermarket too well. Not going out today but tomorrow I’ll have to. I wait until it’s dark if I can because there’s not as much sensory overload.
    MarvelFan and HumanExMachina like this.
  3. VioletDawn

    VioletDawn SF Supporter

    Thanks gypsylee. That's a smart idea about waiting until dark to lessen the stressors. I'd do that too if I wasn't scared of going out when it gets dark.

    The good news is that I didn't cry in the supermarket, though I did wander round in a daze sporting a 1000 yard stare. Got a few funny looks but funny looks is the least of my worries today.
  4. HumanExMachina

    HumanExMachina Pizza Spaceman Forum Pro SF Artist SF Supporter

    That's good Violet, you did it! You didn't let your anxiety stop you from doing what needed to be done.

    Have you tried reading as one of the distractions? That's always worked like a charm for me.
  5. VioletDawn

    VioletDawn SF Supporter

    Thanks human :). I miss reading so much. I used to love it but now I can't concentrate enough. I always end up rereading the same page over and over! I hope it will get better one day. I have a backlog to get through on my kindle.
  6. HumanExMachina

    HumanExMachina Pizza Spaceman Forum Pro SF Artist SF Supporter

    I've got a Nook Glowlight that I love. But lately I do all of my reading on the phone, it's just too convenient.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I am glad you made it to the store, screw the funny looks. Concentrate on what you went out for and if you got everything you need, forget all else. Wishing you a brighter evening :)
  8. Kiwi2016

    Kiwi2016 Forum Pro

    Good for you for going to the supermarket...and know what you mean about reading...I want to read...used to love to read novels etc. etc. but somehow can't seem to immerse myself in books...one thing I've liked is audio books as can just close my eyes and listen...Hope that you have a relaxing rest of your day...sending you positive thoughts and hugs.
  9. VioletDawn

    VioletDawn SF Supporter

    Thanks Human, Petal and Kiwi. I made dinner and forced myself to eat something then put the washing machine on again. I figured I should rewash the clothes since I hadn't taken the last load out in 3 days :confused:.

    Going to try and do a few things around the house even though all I want to do is crawl into a hole. The thoughts are so loud now but I'm trying to push through even though it no longer feels like a case of if I go but rather when. The hope that kept me going disappeared 3 months ago and I've been treading water ever since.
  10. Kiwi2016

    Kiwi2016 Forum Pro

    Glad you getting some things done and glad im not alone in leaving clothes in the washing machine...as im also doing long overdue house chores even though would rather do nothing...just be gentle on yourself and know you arent alone ...
  11. VioletDawn

    VioletDawn SF Supporter

    I've had it. Just had it. Tired of trying. Fk it all.
  12. Kalicka

    Kalicka SF Supporter

    I know the feeling Violet. Hold on and keep pressing forward. Keep talking to us.
  13. VioletDawn

    VioletDawn SF Supporter

    Doesn't matter. I failed. Been seeking help. Help doesn't reach back. Still here. Doesn't matter. Nothing does.
  14. Jaz

    Jaz Well-Known Member

    Omg i feel ya,those mornings are the worst. Hope things got a little bit smoother for you
  15. VioletDawn

    VioletDawn SF Supporter

    Today was worse. Got talked down. 2 police cars plus a police van. Had to sit in the cage in the van and get driven to go talk to someone. Sitting waiting to get seen. Really hope that since I went voluntarily that they'll let me go home. Wish today never happened.
  16. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry you are struggling so much. What about asking the doctor for a PRN (medication you take when needed)
  17. VioletDawn

    VioletDawn SF Supporter

    I'm in a town I don't know. It's getting late. I don't know how I'll get home if they let me leave. I think the last train from the nearby train station leaves in 20 minutes. There's no way I'd make that. I don't know how to get home! Freaking out so much right now.
  18. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step. Chat Pro SF Supporter

    Sending bear hugs
    Geist likes this.
  19. Jaz

    Jaz Well-Known Member

    Oh so sorry you're having a rough time,i wish i could help somehow
    Geist likes this.
  20. VioletDawn

    VioletDawn SF Supporter

    The good news is I'm allowed to go home. I think the hospital has agreed to help me with taxi fare so I can catch the night bus back home. Just waiting to confirm that. I'm pretty surprised as the taxi will be pretty expensive probably. Will be a relief to crawl into bed, though that might not be till around 4 or 5am
    Jaz and Geist like this.