Going to do it...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Aug 3, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I am going to do it....

    I am going camping this weekend.. just me and nature.. could not ask for a better place to do it at...

    I have given two people plenty of time to respond , even tried once and failed at my attempt.. but not this time... this time i have enough and i am gonna do it...

    See , i cant get a peace of mind without their cooperation... i cant come to God because that is how i was taught and to ask me to believe something totally different would be out of the question cause believing in one faith is enough.. i already had changed from second freewill baptist to church of christ and i guess i will go down as church of christ..

    these emotional feelings and with the physical feelings has me hurting so much.. the pain of the cancer is increasing day after day and to top it all off with this emotional feelings and suicidal feelings i just cant do it..

    i am not as strong as you and others here think i am.. im sorry but i just am not... i have given the daltons plenty of time, even broke my last times because i had a little hope , well i am not breaking it this time.. they have had plenty of time to help me ease my mind , plenty of time.. and i cant wait anymore.. i cant fight this cancer and the emotional anymore.. i just cant do it...

    They could not love me just enough to help me ease my troubled mind , spirit and soul.. i tried . i honestly tried. i sent letters , they came back to my address refused. waste of time and money on my part. i called the number of their home phone , it says not accepting calls at this time.. they blocked me from calling.... it is up to them now.. if they love me then they have to contact me , yet they did not.. they know where i live and my phone number, nothing..

    THEY DONT LOVE ME SO I AM GONE.. THEY BOTH KNOW I WILL DO IT.. THEY DID NOT THINK I WOULD DO IT LAST TIME BUT I DID , SO THEY KNOW I WILL DO IT, WELL THIS WEEKEND I AM GONE , SORRY. I GAVE THEM PLENTY OF TIME..

    could not ask for a better place then nature, just me and nature, just me and the woods... i leave tomorrow.. sorry everyone.. i just am not that strong.. i cant fight this cancer..

    it is not a joke , not a lie , not a stunt for attention.. i come here because i have a troubled mind , soul , and spirit , and i tried to ease that to make peace so i could die trying to fight this cancer but appearetntly they just dont give a damn and i am gone..
     
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Sweetie :hug:

    You say you are not giving an ultimatum, but that seems to me like what you are doing. To tell someone that if they do not contact you, then you will be dead IS an ultimatum.

    Please let these people go! They do not deserve your love or your time! How do you really even know they are reading this?

    Do not let these people determine how you live OR die. You will be so much happier if you just let them go and actually turn to and tell your family what is going on with you.

    I am truly trying to help you to find peace and comfort.
     
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    well i am sorry it seems that way, like an ultimatium or whatever..

    i have a troubled mind , spirit , anmd i need some peace and i am tired of fighting... i am tired of trying.. they read this.. i have it on the highest authority that they do , but they just do not care...

    they dont care i am suffering.. they dont care i am in pain, heck they even added more pain when they just up and left... they knew HOW I FELT ABOUT THEM.. THEY KNEW HOW MUCH I LOVED THEM.. THEY WERE LIKE DREAM PARENTS TO ME..

    they could have at least just wrote me a simple letter saying hey we are thinking of you or we love you.. you can send letters without a return address ( if they didnt want me to know where they lived at ) they could have called from a pay phone somewhere , but they didnt.. they JUST DIDNT CARE ABOUT ME OR MY FEELINGS.. BUT I CARED ABOUT THEM.. AND WHEN I FOUND OUT THINGS MY NIECE DID I CARED BECAUSE I NEEDED TO TRY IN SOME WAY EXPLAIN AND LET THEM KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.. TO EASE THEIR HURT , BUT NO I CANT DO THAT BECAUSE APPEARENTLY THEY THINK OF ME AS A DUMB STUPID CRAZY PERSON. OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT..

    They dont really know my true heart.. My heart wants and needs what is right because this isint a game.. i am dying of CANCER , A STUPID FREEKING CANCER.. ITS GONNA TAKE ME ANYWAY BUT I NEEDED THIS . BECAUSE GOD REQUIRES IT BEFORE ONE CAN GET INTO HEAVEN.. I DID NOT WANT TO DIE WITH THIS HANGING OVER ME.... BUT IM GOING TO CAUSE I HAVE NO CHOICE NOW... IT IS OUT OF MY HANDS...

    DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY NIGHTS OF SLEEPLESSNESS THAT I HAVE WENT THROUGH? do you know how many nights i have cried out to the Lord and just say God please allow me time to make peace with everyone?? i cant do it.. im giving up..

    MY FINAL PLEA IS HERE...

    I CANT DO IT ANYMORE.. I CANT.... SORRY BUT I JUST CANT.... NOTHING EVER GOES RIGHT WITH ME ANYHOW AND I AM ALREADY DYING ANYWAY OF CANCER SO I GIVE UP.... I TOTALLY FREEKING GIVE UP.... IVE TRIED AND THE GOOD LORD ABOVE KNOWS I HAVE TRIED AND ITS TIME FOR ME TO THROGH IN THE TOWEL , SO I GIVE UP.. I GIVE UP AND DIE CAUSE ITS GONNA TAKE ME ANYWAY...

    SORRY...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 3, 2007
  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Sweetheart, I know you are hurting so very much...

    And of course, they could write you a letter, or send you a note, or visit you...

    But YOU are MORE than the Daltons. You are MORE than their opinion and acceptance.

    You are a lovely and beautiful soul, and if they cannot see that, then they will have to answer to God for that.

    But PLEASE! Do not allow your last days to be marred by people who are selfish and cruel. They are NOT worthy of your love...

    Like God, you must learn to let go of them, to understand that they have free will and if they CHOOSE not to love you, as sad as it is, you must let them go. You made the effort; you tried to reconcile with them and you did your best to show them love (as Christ did with us). But you cannot FORCE them to care, and you cannot make them love you no matter how much it hurts.

    Is this NOT what God struggles with every moment? Trying to get people to love him without violating our free will?

    You are dealing with that now. You have done what you can, and you must leave the rest to God.

    They have been given the information and they have been given the tools with which to accept you. If they cannot do that, then you cannot FORCE them. You must be like God, and allow them to choose for themselves.

    Painful as it may be, you need to understand that you have done everything you can to reach them, and if they choose not to accept that, then that is their wrong, not yours. As much as it hurts, you must let them go honey. You must.
     
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    I have already.. Let them go and thats what i mean when i say i give up... its in Gods hands now.. They had the chance but they cant do it when i am gone...

    And this cancer pain is hurting so hard cause i dont have any pain meds right now , but i am ending my pain from both this weekend...

    thanks peanut for all your pms , they really meant a lot to me..

    love you bunches hun :hug:
     
  6. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I know honey that you have tried and tried...and they may not be able to reach you when you are gone...but PLEASE do not let them determine the course of your life and soul!

    I know that the cancer (grrrrrrrrr) hurts you, but you are trying to save yourself...

    You are a beautiful soul...a beautiful person...just because the Daltons "call" themselves ministers does NOT make them holy.

    Let them go. Relinquish them and allow US to be your friends :hug:

    You may think of them as family but they have broken the rules. They choose not to forgive you...horrible for them, but YOU will be fine...God loves you more than you can imagine.

    I know what it is like to believe that your church has all the answers, but that is not so.

    You love the Lord, you do, and I KNOW that you will be with Him in Paradise.

    It's only a passage, sweetheart...It's like going from one city to another...it seems so scary, but you will soon feel like you were never as happy as you have ever been.

    HAVE FAITH...God wants to take you in His arms :hug:
     
  7. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i know God loves me , and i love him.. i love everyone..

    its just this cancer is so hard to accept.

    i dont want to..

    I DONT WANT TO ACCEPT IT AND I DONT WANT THE PAIN.. ITS NOT FAIR.. IT IS NOT FAIR AT ALL TO ME... I DONT WANT IT BUT I GOT IT ANYWAY...

    i seen what my mom went through.. i seen her suffer , i held her hand , i seen her throw up night after nigfht.. i cant do that.. i just cant...

    im ending that pain.. i have to.. i have no other way.... it is already hurting enough , AND ITS GONNA GET WORSE.. I CANT STAND PAIN ANYWAY...

    can you not understand.. im 35 , IM 35 DANG IT AND I SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST HAD BEEN ALLOWED TIME TO SEE MY NIECES GET MARRIED , TIME TO SEE MORE OF THE WORLD AND OF NATURE.. THAT IS ALREADY TAKEN FROM ME... ITS NOT FAIR... IT JUST IS NOT FAIR AT ALL...
     
  8. scott1891

    scott1891 Member

    you know reading your posts here I find it intersting. I see a beautiful person who is struggling with many issues. some that I cant ever fathom. We have all been given the gift of life and unfortunately each gift comes with a set of circumstances that differ in many ways. Each one of these ways is a way that god tests our strength, courage, desire, ambition, emotion.. None of which is easy. IT is tough to see you go through this but you are not alone . I see on this forum that you have many around that care for you and offer themselves on various levels. I do understand the situation with "those two" but some times it is what it is and there is only so much you can do. Shift your focus back over to the ones who are here for you and that do care. I believe that god would shed a tear as well as all of us if you gave in this weekend. It what he has planned for you. you are a strong person and you must fight this urge and continue to dig deep and we you are tired and cant find the strength lut us carry you .. that is really what this place is about .. noone should have to go it alone.. Please dont go ..
     
  9. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    white dove
    i have read many of your posts and the pain you are suffering both physically and emotionally is so clear through your writing and im so sorry that youare having to go through so much.
    I agree with peanut you seem a lovely person DONT let these NOT NICE people decide your passing. You are kind and caring to others here at SF which indicates your innerself is that of a genuine caring person.
    Please rethink can u get some pain relief from somewhere?? and soon you should not be making decisions that are so finsl when you are suffering so much HUN please get some medical help we all care about you here, this is another family and one that understands and will support you in any way we can pm anytime my thoughts will be with you:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
     
  10. roro

    roro Well-Known Member

    please don't do it! :sad:

    i need someone to lean on who is sicker than me, I cannot be tyhe sickest person here :(

    please just wait a few days longer until you can talk to me.
     
  11. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum scott1891 and thank you for those kind and caring words..

    Yes it appears to me also that several here care for me and not want me to do it , but do you know what its like to have cancer? im 35 ... i should not even be thinking of death or dying yet i have no choice now.. i will be dead in a year even if i dont take the steps.. was really going to this weekend but some dang young punk hit my younger brother head on at a stop sign and my plans were delayed...

    im not strong like you say i am .. i really am not... and i have given up on those two.. they never cared for me in the first place and they dont care my mind and spirit is troubled or else they would have been here by now.. I have given up on them.. i will let God deal with them and have given it over to God now.. They have the info.. they come here and read it.. they know.. it is their choice now.. either i die with a troubled spirit or not , it is up to them now and i am not gonna force them.. i did my part.. i sent letters that came back refused.. etc..

    i have given up.. i cant fight it or this cancer.. i just cant... i am not that strong
     
  12. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Dawn , i wished if anything i could get more pain meds.. but thats nearly imposiable when you got no health insurance and no way to get any.. been to the hospital to get meds but been so many times that i cant go anymore.. too much bills , no way to pay..

    thanks for caring hun :hug:
     
  13. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    im still here..

    i got sidetracked and it has been delayed a few days.. love you hun :hug:
     
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