Going to do it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by john aiton, Jan 7, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. john aiton

    john aiton New Member

    I guess I am just leaving tracks for people to see when I'm gone.

    My ex girlfriend said she loves me and would never leave me,
    before dumping me saying she can't trust me.

    The irony is I never once lied to her and would give her ANYTHING she ever wanted.

    she's going out now for a party on the 10th. That's the day of my 21st birthday.
    Also the day I will die.

    Everyone blames me for the end of the relationship because I had some self harm issues which she couldn't handle. But I never inflicted once in our LTR.

    They all hate me, I just want to protest my innocence after my death via this thread.
    I was a good and kind boyfriend and always very considerate (and skilled) in bed.

    I was systematically emotionally and sexually raped at a young age, I have many problems because of it, a now treated eating disorder and a nearly fixed SI issue but nothing is ever good enough.

    I wont state methods but know I have some 'golden' tricks up my sleeve.

    Why post here?

    1. To leave tracks if they ever look for answers.
    2. I don't want to die alone, everyone hates me an no one cares.
    This is not paranoia or an exaggeration, it's a truth.

    maybe it's also a route to stem the pain from the break up, I loved her like no one has ever loved another person.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...so glad you found us...self harm issues do require some understanding, but from all you said about yourself, it sounds like you truly brought a lot to the table...I think it is very true that if you have loved once, you will love again...why not see what you can do to develop in the areas that are a concern to you and find someone more deserving of you??? big hugs, J
  3. Barwell

    Barwell Active Member

    Hey and welcome to SH.

    Please don't ever think of that.

    You girlfriend may have had reasons. The SH issue wouldn't have help to be honest.

    Just remember one thing - There is always someone for someone else.

    Feel free to email me if you need some support.

  4. john aiton

    john aiton New Member

    I never really could, my ex was a very special person.
    Totally sexually innocent, she knew almost nothing when we started dating.
    She couldn't even kiss me at first

    I just needed someone who I could sexually trust not to use me.
    But I fell head over heels for her by the second month of our relationship

    We took things really slow and she was the most wonderful person I've ever known.

    I could just never open up to anyone else, all I can think of is her and she breaks my heart 24/7

    Dating again for emotional investment is not possible, I thought I'd live with her forever

    What's stopping me finally having a relationship with someone else, totally commiting and loving again if they might randomly just dump me and tear my heart apart again

    all I'm good for is fucking guys and I haven't done that for a decade
  5. physician

    physician Well-Known Member

    john reading ur post feels like i've wrote it.

    I'm in the same situation as u are, the difference is that i'm still with her.
  6. john aiton

    john aiton New Member

    never let go
  7. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Don't know anyone who hates you here but I reckon there will be a lot of people who care. My last g/f broke up with me because my depression clashed with her own issues about being abused by her brother as a child. She was the only woman I have ever truly loved and for over 10 years had been one of my closest and dearest friends even before we got together. I understand just how you must be feeling. You can move on from this even though at the moment you may feel this is impossible. Best wishes.
  8. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    you have survived so much. but nobody is worth killing yourself for. you are young and from what you have said much to offer another person. life can offer us opportunities when we least expect it.
    you WILL find people who care about you on here and also those who relate to you. i admire your strength for surviving what you have.
    right now you are betrayed and grieving. give it time... talk to us. you will get over this i promise and although she was v special to you, she may be the stepping stone to something greater. just hang in there please?
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.