Going to go now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Aug 21, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Well im going..

    Sorry everyone ...

    i have nothing left and its not like it matters anymore anyhow..

    you all take care..

    White Dove is flying away to peace now...

    Figure if i stay away for a week then it will be painless for all here when they see i did it...

    its easy to do for me cause i have done it before...

    you all take care and hope you all have a good life and finally get the peace you need...

    i couldnt and had to give up and let go , which i did.. i let them go.. i let them all go and many thanks to the mods and admin for keeping that detication online about my mom and friends that i have lost...

    I know its hard to let go but sometimes one has to , so i can only hope and pray that those on here can let me go out your lives and hearts without any pain..

    white dove :hug:
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    :cry: Please don't go Susan.
  3. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    The mods are going to edit this out, like last time I said it, but hopefully, you get to read it, before they do. I just want to wish you peace... that's all. I don't know anything else to say...
  4. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Why not Peanut?

    What have i got to hold on for?

    yeah sure i get on an emotional rollar coaster ride all the dang time..

    first i wake up and feel okay and like God and everyone loves me , then i wake up and feel sad and hurt..

    this will not quit.. it never will

    do you know why i kept sending the Daltons B-day gifts?

    because to do that was kind of in a way to keep my mom alive.. to keep her memory with me.. D.D. has the same B-day as my mom and giving him those gifts and cards was like keeping her with me... and E.D. she has the same B-day as my dad and she was like a mom so i gavbe her many gifts and flowers..

    but i let them go

    they are now just as dead as my mom

    dads B-day is coming up and i cant be here.. it would remind me of Elaines B-day and then i would think of mom..
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thank you :hug:
  6. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    WD please hold on honey I feel you don't really want to do this let's at least talk.:eek:hmy::sad:
  7. livingdeath

    livingdeath Active Member

    White Dove -- I cannot say I know what it's like to have cancer. But I know what it's like to be rejected by someone you love and not want to live anymore. I just want you to know you are not alone with that kind of pain. I live it every day, and I want to die every day. You have been holding on day after day with unspeakable, unbearable agony. You are very brave. Bless you, my friend.
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    well i couldnt go..

    my battery which is brand new would not start my car.. it was dead.

    appearently from going to church sunday evening one of the girls ( my nieces ) did not shut my car door good enough and it ran the dang thing down....

    so i put it on charge and let it charge some... give it a few hours and then it will start..... and then i will go.. guess i will hang around here until it starts

    I Just dont understand why something always comes up.....
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 22, 2007
  9. tired_baer

    tired_baer Member

    In all honesty White Dove I think you are full of crap.

    You aren't still with us because of a problem with your car. You are here because you found a reason to live!!! That is great!!! I'm glad you are still with us. I was concerned after your last message.

    Please do what you can to find a reason to keep going. You still haven't told me which part of Tennessee you are from. My folks are from east Tennessee in the Tri Cities area. How about you?
  10. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    well for your information it did NOT START AND I DONT CARE RATHER YOU BELIEVE THAT OR NOT.....

    I didnt find a reason to live.. i have no reason to live anymore

    so screw you..

    you think i wont do it just like everyone thought before but i will and i am and i can..

    i have everything i need already..

    i dont care if you think im full of crape , that helps me you know.. calling me full of crap..

    thank you very much.

    THANK YOU ..

    THAT GIVES me the push i need..
  11. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    It's ok Susan that person is just glad you are still around. So am I. You and I both know that your car didn't start for a reason. Yet another reason for you to keep living and do God's will. :hug:
  12. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    And another thing.

    saying i am full of crap is calling me a liar...


    my car didnt start..

    And i dont give a damn rather you believe that or not...

    and where i live at is none of your God damn business
  13. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    LD Bless you too my friend :hug:
  14. tired_baer

    tired_baer Member

    White Dove,

    Sorry that I didn't throw the pity party for you that you wanted. Actually I was quite thrilled to wake up to the nasty PM you sent me. It told me most importantly that you were alive, and were still fighting.

    We are all hurting, otherwise we wouldn't be here. I still believe you are with us today because you found a reason to keep going. I'm so happy about that! I am so sorry to hear about your health problems. I won't pretend to understand what that must feel like. I wish you nothing but the best, and hope that you get some relief from both the physical and emotional pain.

    By the way, I asked you to talk about where you live because I was trying to get you to focus on something else other than your pain. There is always a reason why we live where we do, and our home is something we can all relate to. You may not have known it, but I was trying to help. I was not interested in prying into your life.

    I really hope you have a good day today, and things get better for you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 22, 2007
  15. Mr Wiggs

    Mr Wiggs Member

    When'd your mom die?
  16. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    You know that right there ticks me off... when you say i am throwing a pity party... you really do not understand any of my pain or others pain on here.

    For me and i am sure i am speaking for others as well... we do not throw pity parties... it is real hard pain that we each feel.. it is an emotional pain... and for me i am dealing with both an emotional pain and a physical pain from cancer..

    everytime i get emotionaly hurt people would throw that up in my face telling me either i am wanting attention or throwing a pity party for myself and all it does is when you tell me that is to hurt me more and make me more upset and more angryier... i actually felt a little better until i came online and seen that...

    I think you need to look at some of the websites on suicide prevention and its myths cause it is for sure that you dont really know this pain or can understand it... The church i was baptized at and its minister did not understand my pain and in fact i dont think he still does understand it cause he doesnt have it.. He thought i was wanting attention and that i was throwing a pity party the last time but i did go on and attempt my life and i probably still will do it again before i get really bad off sick from this cancer...each of us has a pain and each pain is different for each of us...

    To say we are throwing a pity party or just wanting attention is wrong and will only add fuel to the fire.. i have been told that many times and i am sick of hearing it cause it hurts..this pain is real not some dumb pity party or some stunt for attention like so many people make the fatal mistake to believe and then learn it was a fatal mistake to bvelieve that after they find out the person commited suicide and died...

    Also when you say i am full of crap , that in itself is a trigger to me also...

    sorry but i had to tell you the truth on how i felt and what it does to me and i am sure others it may do the same thing to...

    i dont think it is allowed to say someone is throwing a pity party anyway on here and i think it may be out of line so maybe a mod can either let us know about that or not but i dont think it is allowed as even saying wallening in ones own self pity is not allowed or rather it is out of line here.. it hurts .. those words hurt because we are IN HARD PAIN and our pain is real not some make believe stuff
  17. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    May 6 , 1988
  18. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    :hug: Susan. I lost my Dad July 20th 1993...almost the same age as you were when you lost your Mom, and it hurts like hell. :(
  19. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    yes it does..

    now imagine that you are still in a way greiving for the parent you lost then along comes someone whom shares the same birthday , so you get to know them and find out that not only does this person share the same B-day as the parent you lost but this persons spouce shares the same B-day as the one parent you have left living , So you give them B-day gifts cause in a way to you giving them these gifts out of love helps you to keep the one parent you lost alive in some way ,then imagine you take up with them.. hold them in the highest respect for them and put them way up in the list of those you love , then something somewhere happens and they get mad at you and you did nothing , you were not to blame , imagine they thought it was you then imagine they just up and leave like everyone else you have ever cared for does to you... when you can understand this and grasp this then you know just how i feel and felt and how much emotional pain has been placed upon this heart that was already hurting so badly..

    peanut , im sorry you lost your dad hun :hug:
  20. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    :hug: Susan...he was my hero.

    I actually lived with a minister and his wife...

    Let me explain :)

    My Mom actually MARRIED my paternal uncle (my Dad's brother) shortly after my Dad's death. Nothing untoward...she was in pain and he was there for her (he turned out to be a COMPLETE asshole and they are divorced now).

    But I was 17 and in my last year of high school, and she moved (here) with him, and I refused to go (I was dating my current husband and THOUGHT that I actually had real friends). Thank God that my hubby was everything I thought he could be and more. He is amazing!

    They are divorced now (thank God, he treated my brother like shit, for which I am STILL trying to forgive him; nothing physical or sexual...but emotional to the extreme).

    Anyway, they were pastors at the local Presbyterian church, and my Mom thought they were good people, so she let me live with them. Turns out, they were hypocritical jerks . I am not even kidding. I thought they were great, until they started going through my shit and making me feel like crap because I didn't feel exactly the way they did about religion and Jesus, etc.

    I lived with them for 1 year, and I know now that they are not true Christians, but hypocrites, and I have never looked back because they (like the Daltons) pretended to care about me when they really did not...they were only pretending because they thought that it would get them into Heaven somehow.

    They were jerks. But they did not and could not destroy my faith and belief in God. I cut them out of my life and my life has been the better for it.

    I am happy that you are doing the same with the Daltons. They are just like the Pharisees, they do what is acceptable on the outside, but do not do it in their own lives.

    I am so much better off now Susan. So much better. I am so happy that you have chosen to put them out of your heart. You may still love them as you should "love thy neighbor", but you are on the right track...putting them out of your heart and out of your life...love them as a Christian, but let them go as a human and let this teach you a really good lesson.
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