Going to India soon, my mind is very messed up.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by TheBLA, Dec 15, 2008.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I will be going to India on Christmas Day with my mom for three weeks to visit relatives there. I SHOULD be excited for this trip. There are so many that would love to travel abroad and many Indians that wish to visit India but they don't have the means to do so. Whereas I do and I don't have a desire to go. Just as my life is a complete waste, very pathetic and it would be better for me to commit suicide and donate my organs to those that need them and that will actually enjoy life. That's life, so damn fucking unfair.

    I bet my relatives are excited to meet me but its not the other way around and I do feel bad about it. It's this depression, its totally messed me up. My cousin recently got married and so I will see him with his wife and all I'll be able to think about is I'll never get married and all these negative thoughts, instead of being happy for him. I am by far the worst off in our entire family, the only one that is mentally ill, the only one that thinks about suicide and yet I can't tell them that. I'll have to try to hide it just as I did with my relatives I visited in Canada this past August.

    My dad is wanting me to go to broaden my narrow horizons, because I have been so sheltered and isolated, a pathetic recluse and this trip should help me out according to that guy. Its really pathetic that I don't want to do and would rather stay at home watching TV and playing video-games and feel this trip is wasting away my month long winter break before going back to school. See how immature I am?

    But dad, how can this trip help me out when you have depression and think your life is hopeless and there is no way out, that you are beyond help and my dad thinks this will be "help" for me, I am depressed and numb and so cannot fucking enjoy or take any benefit from this, I'll just keep waiting as the days go by waiting to go back home and further waste away my life. And I'll have to try to not tell anyone I am depressed and pretend to be happy and happy to see them as well. When I last visited India in June 2006, I had stupidly emailed my cousin who has gotten married after I left India that I was depressed and suicidal. I wonder when I visit him, he'll still remember? He'll think that I am better now but no, I'm still the same from 2.5 years before, still stagnated and in the same situation, still pathetic and want to die.

    Back in that June 2006 trip to India, my paternal grandmother came to visit us and I didn't want to see her. In fact, I was pissed at her for her creating my dad and henceforth creating me and she knew I wasn't happy to see her but didn't know why. I couldn't talk to her anyways because of the language barrier but barely looked at her anyways, avoided contact with her. I hadn't seen her in 9 years, and she was real excited to see me; she passed away in April 2008. God, I'm such a horrible person, this depression has totally messed up my damn mind. I just can't help but feel this trip will be a huge waste of time just like the last one was, much to the great anger of my dad and mom. They are spending a lot of money on this trip and I am SUPPOSED to enjoy this trip and many others would LOVE to be in my place. But yet I feel it will be a PUNISHMENT. Why is my mind so messed up, why am I always wrong, why is my thinking always wrong and different from everyone elses?

    I still act like a 10 year old, I haven't matured because I've been so isolated. Sorry for being a whiny little bitch again you guys. Sigh......... :(
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2008
  2. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are not looking forward to it. But maybe things will be different this time and it will be a nice experience. I will be thinking of you. Let us know how it goes!
     
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Rahul. Sorry to hear that you're not looking forward to your trip to India. Maybe you should keep an open mind? You never know how things work out. You might meet a hot indian girl and she could help turn your life around. Plus, you might meet a girl who really wants to emigrates to the USA. All I'm saying is that there are options. :hug:
     
  4. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies LenaLunacy and Dave_N. I feel that my posts are nothing but pathetic rants and so I feel better when people reply to them, I sometimes feel even I wouldn't reply to my own posts.

    I was also not looking forward to my trip to Toronto, Canada to visit my relatives this August but it turned out much better than I thought. I hope the same will happen this time and it will be better than my trip to India in May/June 2006. It was my depression and thoughts of suicide that really clouded that trip and I fear it will happen again as contrary to my parents thinking I am better since then, I really am not and am still as depressed.

    Funny you should say what you did Dave, my parents do want me to get married and my dad is already thinking of finding a girl in India for an arranged marriage. Of course that's the only way a loser like me is going to get a girl anyways, one that will pick me just for a chance to come to America, to use me, never ever to like me for who I am, which is a dull and boring person anyways. :sad:

    I just feel that the trip will be a waste of time and wanted to spend the holidays at home instead of a very foreign country where I am not close to my relatives and not used to its culture and environment. That is what my parents want to change, for me to visit them more often and get to know them, my dad also takes pity on me for the pathetic loser I am and so if I can never make friends, at least have my relatives by my side right? And of course to get out instead of being sheltered and shuttered in my home which I have been for so long and that has messed me up in the first place. So it sounds like the trip is a good idea but how can it be good when its being forced, how can you reap the "benefits" if you are depressed and think about suicide?

    And like my last trip to India, I'll see all these people that are in extreme poverty, barely making it by but still tons and tons happier than me which makes me feel even more frustrated and guilty for all the things I have and yet my life is still crap and I am miserable.

    I might as make the best of it, go with a positive attitude, having a bad attitude won't cancel the trip, I still have to go and might as well make the best of it instead of just pouting the whole time (which I probably will), its just way easier said than done! I wish I could take an attitude adjustment pill or something, have a positive outlook on this trip. So many others would love to go to India but cannot due to lack of funds and here I am with the chance to go and absolutely dreading it! Hahaha!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2008
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    It doesn't make you a loser if you marry a girl that wants to come to America. You can use it as a bargining chip. Think of it like this. You have something that they find very desireable (an American citizenship). You can use that to marry the most beautiful Indian girl that you can find. (And I know that India has a lot of nice girls). And make sure you make up a prenuptual agreement so that she can't take your money. Good luck on your trip Rahul. :biggrin:
     
  6. lachrymose

    lachrymose Account Closed

    try to make the best of your trip :) have fun1!
     
  7. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies.

    I think the trip will be better than I am thinking right now, I hope it will be. It's happened many many times before, that I absolutely dread going somewhere, I think of the worst possible scenario that could happen but it never happens and my expectations are exceeded, I hope it will happen again this time. I hope my depression doesn't muck up this trip to India like it did last time.

    I have to go, I can't get out of it, so I hope I can make the best of it, the most of it. Thank you guys for your well-wishes. :smile:
     
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    First I want to tell you that you are not a loser Rahul. You need to push those toughts out of your mind. I remember how nervous you were about your trip to Canada and that in the end it was okay. Take things as they come with your trip to India and try to look at things in a positive way. As always, I am here if you need someone to listen. :hug:
     
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