Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheUnwillingHoosier, Apr 24, 2012.

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  1. I'm 23, and my life is utterly, utterly hopeless. I fucking hate. EVERYTHING about my life here. Indianapolis will be the DEATH of me, this corn-infested shithole of a city!

    I left public school when I was in 5th grade. I did it for two reasons; one, I was a fucking outcast. Everyone, without fail, hated me, spoke about me behind my back, rejected me from any groups, refused to even speak to me so I could fucking find out what everyone's miserable little problem with me was. The other reason? I was being held back by the school. I always wanted to go on to more advanced subjects, but year after year that stupid elementary school just kept repeating the SAME FUCKIN CRITERIA. I remember, time and time again, thinking to myself, "I did this LAST year.".

    Point is, I started homeschool with my intelligent and accomplished father (top of his class Navy engineer and teacher) tutoring me. That was fine and all, and I learned a lot. I got a real interest in intellectual subjects. Poetry, writing, science, formal logic, critical thinking...never took much to the math, mostly because I knew calculators existed and that I really didn't need to do any manual arithmetic.

    Got really good at computers, always able to fix problems even my Dad didn't know how to solve. Then we moved to California for a year when I was 12. Happiest year of my life. Every day, there was something bright and new around the corner, some interesting new challenge, you know? But then. Then we had to move back. Back to this FUCKING. FUCKING. FUCKING. FUCKING TOWN.

    You know what's here in Indianapolis? NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL. Sports bars...and churches. Around every fucking corner, it's another sports bar or another fucking church. I left Christianity for a rather logical reason, that being that there is NO FUCKING EVIDENCE for his existence and believing in this imaginary being was driving me up a wall. Don't need another fucking church!

    Where are the poetry places? Where are the venues for free, intellectual discussion? Well, in all my years of looking, I HAVE NEVER FUCKING FOUND ONE. THOUGHT I did recently, but then I called them and they've been turned into a FUCKING AUTOMOTIVE shop. HOW DOES THAT EVEN FUCKING HAPPEN?! THE MAGIC OF INDIANAPOLIS, THAT'S FUCKING HOW!

    Even the art museum is nothing but a fucking bore. Are there events? Is there anything relevant at all to my interests? OF COURSE NOT. OF. FUCKING. COURSE NOT.

    I HATE sports. I HATE religion. I can't fucking escape this place, either! I have sent application after application after application, and NO ONE FUCKING HIRES ME. Can't even get enough of a leg up to GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. AHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

    Oh, but what about COLLEGE, you might ask? Well, guess what. I can't get any funding without having my parents take out their oh-so-wonderful "Parent Plus" loan. You know how old my parents are? THEY'RE FUCKING 65! THEY'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE OUT MORE LOANS! They already put their other 3 children through college. So now. I am FUCKING STUCK. NO HOPE. NO DREAMS. NOTHING. JUST THE SAME FUCKING TOWN EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR THE REST OF MY GOD DAMN LIFE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!



  2. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    Yes grew up in a town i hated you said youve been sending job applications out yes this can be very daunting especially with rejection lots.You also said you were good at solving probs with computors any chance you could start you own little buis fixing ppls computor issues.Another thought is you could also start up your own poetry intellectual speaking group good way to meet new ppl.Are you looking for jobs outside of this town.
  3. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    Join the Army. See Afghanistan. That will get you out of Indianapolis. That is if you are dying to get out.
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    I agree, join the military. I'm personally not a fan of the military per say, but it's a good honest occupation for many and you don't have to stick to it for long. If you like it, you can make it a career, and if not then you can do your few years and get out. They will assist you with college also. If you select the right branch, you may end up in California (lots of training bases in the San Diego area). California is expensive to live in though (I grew up there). If you say you hate the military or something, consider that it surely cannot be worse than dying. You'll see lots of places, meet lots of new people, and gain skills you can use both in and out of the service. It seems like an easy solution. Your dad was in the Navy? Join the Navy and you're pretty likely to spend some time in Southern California. :)
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    I am right there with you friend. I hate my current area. I do not want to be here anymore. I think I can last until 2014... but we shall see. So now, as for ways to get you out of there. You said your father was a top Navy Engineer? What is stopping you from joining the Naval Acadamy? Surely having a military history and being really smart can help you there. You will have 4 years of college and 4 years in the Navy and then you can do whatever you want. Chances are you will be transfered to someplace with a coast. Once your 4 years are up you can live there.

    In the mean time you are on the right track you need to find a job. If you are still living at home arrange some kind of expense arrangement with your parents. Then horde all your money and move yourself. You said you are into computers. :D I am into computers. So why don't you take the non-college route. Save up $2000 take a class, pass the test and get a certification. That is the best part about being into computers. You can go to college or you can just spend that money getting certifications. I have met plenty of computer people, generally admins, who have done just that. They all make about as much money as I do. None of them went to college.

    Worst comes to worst go off the grid. Just walk to some place new and take jobs doing labor for cash. I wish I had the drive to do something like that... but I like other things too much to do that.
    On a side note, I am glad I am not the only one who noticed that about Indianapolis while I was there.
  6. slam

    slam Member

    Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    I would trade places with you in a heartbeat, serious...

    you have absolutely no idea the fortune in your said predicament

    there are much, much worse places, like where I am, so count your blessings
  7. Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    Yes, but I don't really have any means to transfer, and besides, they just end up hiring locals anyway. My own poetry group? The reason there aren't any that already exist is that Indianapolis is BARE of people who would even be remotely interested. This is also why I can't find a girlfriend, but who cares, right? A joke like me doesn't DESERVE one. Start my own computer business? Gee, I wonder what THAT requires. Couldn't be MONEY, could it? Hm?

    Let me address the military thing from two perspectives. First is the practical perspective. I am too goddamn fat to get into the military. Granted, I've dropped from 330 pounds to 290, but I'm still a fatass and only maybe will that change. Two, I have some knowledge that really, really poisons the idea of being in the military in the first place. That knowledge is here and here.

    Secondly, as mentioned, no one ever fucking hires me, ever. I had one job. Know how I got it? My Dad. It payed 100 dollars a day and I worked all 5 days of the week. I spent most of my money supporting our family, and the rest went to charity. I worked through my high school years. I know, right? It's like I'm fuckin' Gandhi or some shit. Even then, though, I still got my G.E.D. without a hitch.

    Despite this, no one, NO ONE ever hires me. These words cannot express my contempt for my location. This town is RIDDLED with unemployment and lack of opportunity.

    You know what's worse than dying? Pretending your life has any sort of value when all you are is some fatass ironic JOKE. Intelligence with no application means NOTHING. A whisper in the dark, a speech to no one, a nothing. Just nothing.

    Indianapolis is the question, and suicide is the answer.

    ...You know how many times I've heard this one? Let me give you a hint; a bunch. Having other people in the world who are suffering more than I am doesn't make me feel any better. It's worse. It's worse that there are those out there who can't escape any more than I can, because it means it's a systemic problem. It's like sinking in quicksand and you scream about it, then someone else interrupts you and says, "HEY MAN, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. THAT GUY OVER THERE IS ALREADY UP TO HIS MOUTH WITH SAND!". Well, no fucking SHIT. It's because we're ALL SINKING.
  8. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    I think almost every person has some reason to feel like you do. It may be weight, it may be location, it may be handicaps, it may be the color of their skin, it may be physical attributes, it may be that they're too shy, or that they have anger issues that surface and get them in trouble... etc. Even those who seem to have everything handed to them on a silver plate seem to end up with issues (a celebrity, for instance). How many celebrities or people with "all the money they could ever want" are unhappy, depressed, or even suicidal?

    There are people who measure others on things like looks... But not everybody does. Many of us feel that a person's true being is what comes from within. Seek out those kinds of people. You may find it hard to locate people like this, it is a difficult quest sometimes. Your location may or may not be good, but there are others right there who feel like you do. There has to be a way to find them.

    Have you contacted NAMI?
  9. Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    What's NAMI?

    Second, those celebrities and billionaires are miserable because even having everything in a monetary economy still FUCKING SUCKS. You always gotta watch your back, gotta protect your possessions, make bets that you have no idea whether or not they'll fucking BANKRUPT you. People try to say The Venus Project isn't desirable by billionares, but they have almost as much to gain as anyone else.

    Also, let me clarify; I'm not saying I can't get a girlfriend because I'm fat. I'm saying I can't get a girlfriend BECAUSE I STILL FUCKING LIVE WITH MY PARENTS AND THAT WILL NEVER, EVER CHANGE. And don't give me this "pessimism" bullshit, I'm asking for someone to PROVE me wrong. Prove to me that my situation will change. You can't? That's right, NO ONE can.

    Edit: Just found out what NAMI is. National Association of Mental Illness. Once again...no money, no dice. That's what this fucking stupid-ass world is. And I really, really don't want to see it anymore.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 25, 2012
  10. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    You are correct. Only YOU can make it change. We can give you advice, we can hold your hand, we can be your friend, we can be your mentor, we can be your shoulder to cry on, we can be your advice... But we cannot do it for you. YOU have to make the change. That said, we are here to advocate for you.

    NAMI meetings happen in most major (and smaller) cities across the U.S. There is no cost to become involved in NAMI. I co-chair the local NAMI meetings twice a month in my area. Anyone is welcome to attend. We serve dinner (no cost to those attending) and refreshments, and we are a sympathetic ear... but also many folks with similar situations networking together for support, guidance, and advocacy. I highly recommend it.
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. (I've experienced unemployment and financial hardship off/on for years myself, and neither is easy or fun.)

    I know that finding work right now seems impossible for you. I can't prove that things will change, but the odds are in your favor. The more applications you put in, the greater your chances of finding something. For now, just keep in mind that it is not your fault. It's a very tough job market these days. You've certainly been doing everything you can, so I'm not surprised you feel discouraged! But please don't give up. The hard part now is keeping yourself going until you find a job despite the understandable stress.

    I know you are living with your parents atm for financial reasons. Could you take on "temp work"? Sure, temp agencies will bounce you around from company to company, but if a company likes you, they'll keep you for as long as possible, and might even hire you full-time. And though not glamorous and maybe not what you want to do for the rest of your life, temping can bring in money so you can save up and eventually move out from your parents' home. It also appears as "current employment" on your résumé.

    Could you relocate to another city/state in order to work? Perhaps if you have family in another city/state, you could stay with them while you job search. Moving is an expense, but some companies (though not all) will offer to help with relocation costs. Are there state employment services with job finding programs? (Eligibility varies for the programs, but they might be worth investigating.) Do you have any entrepreneurial ideas? Some service/product you could offer for a fee? Would you be willing to load/unload trucks, set out store merchandise, babysit, clean floors and windows, paint houses inside and outside...?

    I suspect you've already gone over some/all of them yourself. But I hope you don't give up. Someone who has tried so hard to find work would make a good employee. :smile: Sending you good luck wishes! Stay safe!
  12. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    @TheUnwillingHoosier: First off I said the Academy, not just go straight to the navy. The academy will train you and get you in shape. I know they are less discriminating if you can meet their academic needs. If you go to the academy you will have less chance of being a front line soilder. You could be put in R&D or something. You could be put on a nuclear sub as the atomic engineer. Yeah there is danger, but most of the locations are top secret and are there to spy not fight. I am just saying that military is very legacy. You will have a much better chance of getting in with your dad as former military.

    When I was job hunting I learned that interviewing and resume/application building is an art. You have to be very careful with it. However, I know your frustration at not being able to find a job. It can be difficult without college. Why not go to a smaller college in another state. Most of them are desperate for students and will work things so you can get in-state tuition rates and financial aid.

    You say intelligence without application means nothing. Then apply your intelligence. On one site I frequent. There are brilliant shut-ins who are creating amazing things. On such person used an XBox Kinetic to create a virtual reality world. He could put on a visor and the computer would track is motion and apply it to the character. Another person I read about created a program so he could brush his cat over the internet. Yes these things require resources. However, there are plenty of other ways to apply yourself. Software is one of the easiest ways to apply intelligence. When you get down to it Software is just math. Start up a blog and purse something you can afford. I am sure you can find something that you can do. If it is dangerous enough or crazy enough you can get recruited by the government to do work. You can apply your intelligence without a job.

    Also do not worry about getting a job through your dad. In this world it is not about what you know but who you know. I promise you that more people get jobs through connections than they do from actually having skill. If you know someone ask them for a reference. That is just life, I know plenty of spoiled kids will get a job because daddy is the VP or the president and no one can touch him because daddy or mommy is the boss. Life is not fair, get used to it. If you need something to do with your time volunteer. You never know who you will meet and what jobs they will have. Raw talent is hard to prove. However, references help.
  13. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    I think you should calm down and think logically.

    You said, you cannot join the military because you are too damn fat.

    Let's look at what resources you do have

    (1) time

    You have endless amount of time. You have more of that resource than other people who has a job.

    (2) SF people

    You have access to people on SF who had offer to give you advice and to help you

    (3) computer skills and other skills

    So you can plan, execute, review and modify.

    So let's break down your problem in a systematic and rational manner.

    (a) you are 23 years old
    (b) you need to be in a better position

    Thus I think you should

    (I) Approach the problem in a rational manner
    (II) Get all the FREE help you can get from SF
    (III) Get targets for yourself (and start with your biggest problem)

    Logically, you should plan to get your body in a better condition.

    You need to

    (a) get a scale
    (b) measure yourself everyday , first thing in the morning when you wake up
    (c) record down the number and post it publicly online (this is a motivation thingy)
    (d) very carefully , record down what you eat
    (e) do exercise every day and record and post it online
    (f) get people on SF to review your progress daily (again this is a motivation thingy)

    You should aim to get yourself in a better condition in 365 days. After all why waste all the time that you have.
  14. Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    Let me clarify what I meant by that. I was hoping someone would come up with an actual solid opportunity to prove me wrong.

    You'd be right about the "all" part. No way to relocate, tried contacting the local unemployment office, they never respond, of COURSE I'm willing to load/unload trucks, but again, no one ever hires. There's no "fallback" job. Plus, tried the temp agencies, too. NOTHING.

    Have I had any entrepreneurial ideas? Hell yes! Not that it matters now. Well, I guess since I'm going to kill myself, I might as well just tell you.

    My idea was for something called Ad-Mart. The general principle was to start a big store like Wal-Mart, but sell everything for LESS than what you buy it for. Then, to make up the additional revenue, you paint the walls, floor, and ceiling with advertisement. The high level of traffic to the ridiculously cheap deals would be more than worth it to the ad companies. With enough ad revenue, we can lower the prices more. With lower prices, we can get even more traffic. With even more traffic, we can get more ad revenue. The cycle repeats until everything is free, for everyone, everywhere. The economic singularity. It was gonna be beautiful, you know? But that can never happen. I'll just never have the ability to make it happen. CUZ MONEY, AMIRITE?! FUCK MONEY, FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT.

    On your last para there, it seems you misunderstood what I said. What I meant was that I had ONLY EVER had a job because of him, not that I wanted another one. By the by, and not to sound snarky or anything, but telling me that "life isn't fair" is kind of obvious. I mean, it IS part of why I'm killing myself. Why should I get used to life if I'm about to attempt to die?

    Thanks for the advice otherwise, though. I mean, I guess I owe it to myself to at least...try? No, wait...I've told myself that before, but it never gets me out of Indianapolis. In fact, whenever I look outside my window, I want to PUKE. Just seeing the same old scenery utterly poisons my confidence. Trufax.

    You know, you're absolutely right. I even used to study the ART of rationality and logic. (www.lesswrong.com) My logic, though...it's dented. Deranged. Changed. I can't think straight anymore; every moment is filled with a swelling sense of failure. Everything I see myself trying, I can only see it failing. I really, really can't think as to why anything I would try would succeed. I am just that depressed, and no amount of St. John's Wort can change that.

    I WISH I could think rationally. I WISH that I had even the strength to continue thinking that something I do will work. But I don't. And the only way to stop the failure is to end the track before the train wreck.

    I refuse to live the joke.
  15. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    Get help support and as hard as it is you have to find within yourself some strength never say never.I mentioned before helping ppl with computors seriously no set up fee and if you fix any hard drive probs bill them straight up for part you have to dig deep here to succeed within yourself and to get somewhere and to try you will find great gratitude but to give up doom and gloom
  16. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    Have you contacted NAMI? Despite your feeling that they charge money, they do not. There is no cost to get involved with them. It would be a great place to start; many people find success through association with a peer support group.

    There has been some excellent advice given on here (SF) - from people you don't even know and yet who are eager to assist you and walk you through this. That says a lot for humanity, I think. That's a good reason to explore and become a part of that faction of society that does good and wants good for others. On that note, have you considered volunteering to help organizations that help others? There can be great satisfaction in doing so and sometimes actual paying jobs result.
  17. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    @TheUnwillingHoosier: Well not to be snarky again. But have you ever just packed up a backpack and started walking or caught a bus to another city? Again, I do not think you have explored all oppurtunities. Like I said why not go out and get some certifications? Why not ask your parents to get the parents plus loan? I mean have you actually asked?

    Like I said I am right there with you. However, I am planning on saving money so I can leave my current location for a new one. Granted I doubt that will be enough to make me want to make me want to live. However, it will be a step in the right direction. I completely understand your feelings. However, if you are not willing to just up and walk away then you need to do some more planning and have a little patience.
  18. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    I can't really add much to what has been said.

    I feel for you. Just want you to know that I've also been rejected by temp agencies and applied and applied with no responses, and after a while it can feel dreadful and like no one will give us a chance. But honestly, it's the job market and the tough economy. Something will come along.

    You have your younger age on your side - time to learn and do new things. You don't have dependents to keep you from moving (although I do understand that you are living with your parents because of finances). You are smart. You are resilient in the face of this challenge. Use your smarts and resilience to keep going. It would be sad if you had tried so hard, just to give up in the end. You definitely have more to offer the world.
  19. Sent

    Sent Banned Member

    Re: Going to kill myself because I REFUSE to live the rest of my life in Indianapolis

    Fuck that
    I'm an only child but if I had siblings and my parents put them throgh cllege and not me, id fucking be in prison for killling the fucking siblings, maybe even parents

    I'm so sorry dude maybe they can still loan u? They owe u tbh
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