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Going to leave soon or be banned + kill myself if I turn 30 still ashen

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DrivEthermissIon, Oct 31, 2009.

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  1. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    So I think I had a major disagreement with someone here in the past couple of days and I'm either going to be banned or I'm going to leave this community, Sean and all my friends and Kate and Tam and missiontohell and justme05 sorry guys, as usual, you'll never see me again. I might even kill myself, maybe I should, in fact, I promise if things don't change in my life before I turn 30, I'm going to kill myself, I don't fucking fit in anywhere, I've been banned from fucking TONS of places online, there's something fucking wrong with me, and I need to end this. I hurt people, I don't know why! What is wrong with me? My intentions and everything I try so hard to make everything gentle and innocent with all my friends and even relationships and eventually someone realises I'm a sinner, a heavy one. But I still try to be kind to them.

    Oh God I'm horrible, no sympathy for the devil lol I guess I'm the devil, I break things, it's all ash God, it's all ash here, it's all ash...

    I mean even Irish Doll called me kind the other day, doesn't that mean something? Doesn't it? Am I worth anything at all?!!!!!!!!!!!!

    God you know I'm sensitised to pain and shock, I try to warn people...BUT THEY'RE NOT LIKE ME
  2. Brianw

    Brianw Well-Known Member

    just cause you got in a dissagreement with them doesnt mean you have to leave i would just hide out with me and hang with me cause they dont understand your point of view but i can try to understand
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Give yourself a chance today to feel my :hug: It's okay. We're here. Stay with us. All friendships have rough spots and misunderstandings. It's the staying, working things out, or letting things go, and continuing on together that makes a friendship a friendship.
  4. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    I'm sorry for swearing, I am very troubled, the waters are murky.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you can stay here people care and we all screw up do things we can't help because of our illness. i hope noone banns you it is an awful thing to have
    happen Maybe just lay low for awhile hang out with people here you can relate to hope you feel better soon
  6. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Chris, don't freak out. You obviously have good days and bad days. Try and lie low on the bad ones, and stick your head out on the better ones - that way you don't need to keep feeling bad for things you think you've said and done when you're feeling out of control.
  7. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    I don't know what to do guys

    I'm going to break a few spiritual things in my room ,they are really precious and dear, I don't even know why, it's like there's someone in me and they want to break everything in my life ;__;. Absolutely everything guys. I don't want to do it. But I have no choice. I have to fail. I'm really crying now.
  8. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Good night everyone ._.
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Chris, those that can see you are only trying to be supportive and caring in your own way understand that. Some cant and wont see that. And that is in the internet sites as well as the real world. So you need to just keep trying to help the ones you can. The ones that cant see you are trying to help then obviously you wont be able to help them no matter how hard you try. I see how you try with your words to help. And sometimes I can see where someone else might think you dont understand a situation. Because you carry so much pain around in your own life that a lot of times that same pain comes out in your posts of support. Like Tam said on the days that your own pain is too much lay low in trying to help others. On those days reach out for help instead. I see a very caring person when I read your posts. But also a person that is struggling on the inside to understand their own pain (like so many others here). And so it comes out in some of the post of support. To you it is supporting another. But others may read it as being insensitive. You cant change how or what others see and read. So keep helping cuz I know for me it helps to help others as much as the help helps me (?????) Ok that made no sense at all (lol). See exactly what I'm saying (lol). You need to be less sensitive about how and what you think others are thinking about you ok? Great advice coming from me, should practice what I preach.
  10. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member


    What a dark chapter in my life that was ^__^ . I want to individually thank all of you for replying, for your empathy, respect and compassion. I am sorry I couldn't hear you at the time.

    There really was no disagreement, I was making a mountain out of a speck of sand. Why? I was scared of sticking around to see the consequences of my actions.

    The other person really liked me, and couldn't understand what was happening to me. I'm a mess as I explained to them recently, my life's a mess.
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