Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Torn_Apart, Apr 2, 2008.
i am, life hurts too much. can't even breathe i hurt too badly.
I feel the same way. It's all too much. Wish my only attempt had worked.
Please guys, dont give up. Life isn't over yet. Why not talk about what is bothering you instead? :hug:
i can't talk my way out of the problems in my life.. or the situation.. and honestly it's too painful to deal with anymore.. im in financial ruin, im in the middle of the worst crisis point in my life physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and romantically on top of it. every crisis possible has happened to me. im bipolar and am in a manic depressive swing, having a hard time as it is, my own suicidal tendancies and now im caught up in possibly being homeless, my health is failing, and i have two individuals in love with me, and me with them, one of which wants to end her life and has made several recent attempts because im not able to be with her and she NEEDS and loves me so much shes suicidal.. the problem is i'm still in love with someone else deep down that i never got over, just repressed my emotions for. To make a long story very short.. i fell in love with a woman friend of mine years ago, i was afraid to admit my feelings to her and repressed them for 4 years before confessing, finally i broke and admitted it, we got emotionally involved and physically, planned to move in together but for various reasons i cant get into the move failed and i lost my mind, attempted suicide because of all the trauma. i failed and she and i began to heal our friendship only to get emotionally involved but it was painful because we both "knew" that we couldnt be together this life, she told me how deeply she was in love but that we knew it couldnt be. we're both the same gender and both our families are very anti same sex, mine to the rabid point and comdemning bisexual or gay individuals to hell claiming it's evil. anyway my girlfriend kind of freaked out over the whole gender issue and decided to attempt to move on and try to have a relationship with a male later on because she deeply desired children and we both knew i couldnt give her that. it ripped us both apart, but we mutually tried to move on and wanted happiness for the other, she and i stayed friends and were close, but i had a devastating breakdown and tried to end my life, it was another very close female friend who stopped me, and i stopped her from her own attempt. we grew closer, and i started having feelings for my other friend, even though i was still deeply in love with the first.. when im traumatized my brain and emotions just go numb and represses things, almost like amnesia.. i was told once before that it's a defense mechanism or coping device my body and mind has.. i resigned myself to believing that i'd never have the woman i was in love with, and started to accept that, then i started falling in love with the 2nd one.. she had been in love with me all along (the 2nd woman) and i started started to feel like life was going to be okay. she wanted to help me get a new life started, to be with me, loved me deeply and i felt safe and like i wasnt going to die alone.. we made plans for me to move to her city and no sooner than i did that the first who i was still in love with came back to me telling me she had been a fool and loved me, that she had just freaked out because of the gender thing but that she knew she wanted a life with me. she was devastated when she found out about the new budding romance and we both had a mutual nervous breakdown. here was the love of my life telling me that it can be but now ive gotten involved with someone else. it devastated the first woman that i hadn't waited and fell in love so quick.. we worked through things and decided that it was best that i go to the new one because my life here where i live was already so badly crumbled that the new start was in my better interest. so we agreed to be friends and me to just proceed with the move.. meanwhile my emotions towards the first blew open again and i realized i was still deeply in love with her. and started feeling trapped and torn apart by the situation. two souls loving me and me not wanting to hurt either and feeling the guilt. the new romance was also having problems.. the move failed and i wasnt able to go to the 2nd woman because her financial situation fell apart. she attempted suicide and has taken me on almost nightly suicidal fits, threatening to end herself because the life she longs for is out of reach. and i am stuck in the middle with someone's life or death in my hands and on my conscious.. if i dont go to her in the future because of her financial situation or my feeling conflicted and not wanting to go then she's going to kill herself and i dont want anyone dying over me. im in love with the first so deeply that it is killing me inside, and am also quite in love with the second but my heart still longs for the first. i can envision a life with the woman i was supposed to move in with in the near future. i know she loves me deeply and would do anything for me, i could be happy, but not to the same depth, my heart is always going to ache for the first. i dont want anyone hurt, but i'm trapped.. someone WILL get hurt in this, and i cant handle being the cause of that.
Torn Apart, you have to know that you are not responsible for this mess. Your previous girlfriend wasn't able to commit, and she blamed you for moving on too early. How does anyone know what is too early when we have been rejected by the love of our life, for her obvious confusion about what she wants? You must consider your second love, and I understand not wanting to hurt anybody. I don't believe in soulmates to the extent that we might have missed our chances in finding that perfect person (I don't believe there is one) especially when the other partner isn't sure that WE are their soulmate. If she knew you were HER soulmate, like you believe she is, this entire episode would not have ever occurred. Did you ever think about that? This is not about blaming anyone, but everyone has their drama which has nothing to do with you. Why would you kill yourself because of someone else's drama? You must step back and take an objective view here. This is not just about you and how you have failed. I don't think you failed at all. I think you are a kind and loving human being, which is why you are feeling the way you do. The most important thing in this drama is for you to free yourself of any guilt that you may be feeling. That is a big first step to resolving this situation without making it feel that you are to blame for any of this.
Hi Torn Apart. Your situation does seem very complicated indeed. I'm sorry that things have gotten so difficult in your life. Have you thought about all three of you moving in together and helping each other through this difficult time? It's not an ideal solution, but you can be with both of your lovers and then neither of them will be hurt. I think you really need both of them in your life and dumping one of them will be very hard.
torn apart, it is a terrible thing to be without the love of your family, esp. when you need them the most, at times like this. you will find many supportive and non judgmental folks here who will help you and support you in these difficult times
my feelings on this? love is. that's all, it just is.
as for your current situation, can you take some time away to reflect, gather your strength and get well? i don't know where you live, but in the UK there are places like maytree for this very time. do you have any other supports, like a counsellor or doctor who might find out for you if there is something similar near you?
I used to want to do something catstrophic when someone told me things are fixable...I did not feel fixable...I felt useless, shameful and so very broken...I went to a retreat to meditate, and I was told to look for the open window, and this will start to give me more insight into how to get out of hell...open window, my backside...what garbage...well, after weeks of meditation, disbelief and endless hrs of feeling like G-d had completely forgotten about me, a friend called and said that she insisted that I join their practice...all my other business was corporate, and paid so much more, but I did agree...ergo- the open window...I get out each day, and have a place where ppl care for me and value my contributions...I still make most of my income in the corporate world, but the lease I pay for is the best tax deduction I could have dreamed of...sounds so trite, but things do start with one small step...btw. was sued for $675,000.000 at the time...so I truly know financial problems...best of luck and please PM me if I can help...J
:hug: thank you everyone.. last night was completely awful but i've made it through the night and am going to be okay.. i appreciate everyone's replies and support.. sometimes i lose sight of things in the chaos and fall into doubt..