Going to the top and falling down... my life.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by iamlostinmydreams, Apr 1, 2015.

  1. iamlostinmydreams

    iamlostinmydreams New Member

    I was 18... The most popular guy in school. Everybody loved me. I was kind with everybody and stood up for the weak. I had great grades. Prime example of a good human being, my teachers always told me. I was active in school. Helped around. I was very athletic either. I loved to help people get better in sports by sporting with them. Like, i can go on, but you get the picture.
    Not to sound like a douche, but i loved being me back then.

    But one day, i snapped. I lost control. It was during exams. Math (geometry) to be specifically. I had forgotten my Compass, so i drew a circle with free hand. Had to explain cosinus.
    I had it all right, but the teacher still decided to punish me for forgetting my compass. So she made me fail the class. Math was my prior, so i could not go to university if i failed math. I begged her. But she didn't wanted any of it. She looked me dead in the eyes and said "i can make you or break you. i choose to break you." I snapped. I don't know how, but all of the sudden i punched her in the face. I was raging all of the sudden. I mounted her and started to pound her. There, i had a black-out. I don't remember anything. I just came back to senses with the police around me.
    At that point, i knew i really "fucked it up" badly and i mean really badly. I'm going to skip a whole part of what happend next and come to the point.

    The point is, i went from being a prime student/human to absolute trash. I was not allowed in the school anymore. I looked for another school, to still finish my last year and go to university. But the first school i went, simply told me "you have a record. i'm really sorry, but we can't help you any further".
    Next school also. It went on and on. Every school i went, i was "known".

    I decided to contact higher powers, ministery of education. I wrote a letter and explained everything. I got a very simple answer "You don't punch teachers".
    I felt powerless. I was dissapointed. No matter what i said or did, i was the bad guy. Nobody believed me when i said that teacher just didn't liked me, for whatever reasons she had.
    I still had contact with many teachers and they all tried to help me. It would be an immense waste to not being able to finish last year and start university.
    For two years, i tried everything, including contacting The King. Yes in Belgium, The King can grant certain things. I got a reply to try with the ministery of education, since the King has trust in his decisions.
    I was lost. I was NOTHING without a proper education. I had dreams. I wanted to study AstroPhysics. I loved it, still do. But really, after two years i gave up. I lost hope. I made a mistake and had to pay for it. I wanted to emigrate to another country, maybe i could study there. But i was wrong. After some research, i realized it was practically impossible to finish my college in another country, unless i started over. Instead of 1 year, i was required to do 4 years.

    I fell in a depression. The young energetic enthousiastic man became a drinking wrack in no time.

    One day, i decided to end it all. I stood there, crying, in front of the mirror with a pistol on my head. Then i stopped crying, looked myself in the eye and said "goodbye"...
    I woke up... laying on the ground, with the pistol on the ground. Appearantly, i passed out right after i said goodbye and right before i could pull the trigger.
    But that moment did something to me. I was alive, more than ever.

    I got angry. I was furious with "the system". I was a prime example my whole life. I was positive all the time. I forgot my compass and was told by my teacher that nothing matters, except her words. No matter what you do or who you are, at the end it doesn't matter. They can shut doors for you, even if you have the keys.
    I was furious. I was like "okay. i get it."

    In a month after the "bathroom pass out", i found a job in the gambling industry. I worked as a clerk for a bookmaker. Soon after, i got promoted to office manager.
    A whole betting office, all for myself. I had a couple employees. But i was energetic. I wanted to "make it". I took my boss as example. He had it all. I wanted to be like him.
    I worked hard. Never got sick, never took a day free. It didn't get unnoticed. Allthough my boss has hundreds of offices, my office was the best in terms of income.
    He asked for me. One of his "guys" came to my office and told me the "big boss" wanted to meet me.
    So i met him. We got closer, i told him about my past.
    After a while, i evolved ideas for a betting system. I was good at math. I talked with the boss about my ideas.
    He said we had to go to Austria, where the dev-team was situated. I was like "but i cant, i have to be at the office tomorrow". His reply i will never forget "you are fired from your office, you work directly for me now..."
    To keep it short, all of the sudden i was "the man". I was by his side all the time. During meetings, i was sitting next to him. During his monthly routine of visiting the offices to talk to managers, i was with him. All the time, i was with him.
    It came with a price tho. The gambling industry is... well, kind of "maffia". The competition didn't liked us, since we were the biggest in the country. My idea's and the system we developped was the prime on the market. Others started to copy us, but we were always a couple steps ahead.
    before i knew and actually realized, i was making tons of money. Literally tons. I could not spend enough.
    I enjoyed the life. Pretty soon, i was actually not working anymore. I was just hanging around with the boss. We made so much money, we could simply hire more and more people just to do our work. Millions of Euro's were flowing in every month. We were "known". We even had personal bodyguards. Imagine a young fella, barely 25, making hundreds of thousands each month. Respected (almost notorious) by everyone. It changed me. Allthough my family knew what work i was doing, they never approved it. My mother cried every time i left after a visit. She was scared i'd get "taken out" one day.
    So money changed me. But in a dumb way. Instead of investing, i decided to "live big". I was single. Never had time to meet someone. Even if i did, i would never have time to build a decent relationship anyways.
    Fast cars, drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, casino's... like in the movies, i was living in one. It was unreal. I was cocky too. I liked to show off.
    Used to take my nephews out. First go shopping... never looked at price tags. When they showed interest in something, even remotely, i bought it. At the cashier, with a bodyguard by my side, i loved taking out a big stack of money. Cash money. I loved it. Go out in huge discotheques, with tens of bottles of champaign, several lines of cocaine, a group of girls... money flying around.

    This went on for a couple years. I literally "snorted/drinked/fucked" the years away.
    I loved it. The money, being known, being notorious...
    But it had it side-effects. Pretty soon i had issues with myself. Allthough i was enjoying life to the fullest, i kept remembering the past... i was still angry.
    In a moment of angre, i decided to find that teacher again. I wanted to confront her. I wanted to show her she failed to break me.
    So i did... I went back to the school. The principle recognized me. We talked. He was very happy to see me succesfully. I wasn't happy tho, i asked him "why didn't you helped me out back then? You were the principle, yet you allowed the teacher to punish me in such a way. My whole future depended on that one decision and you let it all happen". I got angry.
    He said "You're right. i should not have let that happen. But at that time, i was dissapointed in you. I could have prevented it, if you simply came to me, instead of breaking her jaw."
    He was right...
    I could not say anything...
    I just left. I even didn't cared about confronting that teacher.
    All the time, i was angry at the system. But it was all my fault. I did something, where you lose all your right. When you are involved in an accident if you are drunk, you are to blame, even if you were right. Same case.

    I just continued my work. Still making huge money.

    There was this prositute i visited/booked regularly. (I'll call her Melinda to make it easier). One day, she was sad when i was about to leave. I asked her what was wrong. "i'm sick of this bullshit." she replied. "i'm sick of blocking my emotions.". I was suprised. Basically she said "i like you". She asked me if it was possible to meet outside her work. "Why not?" Right?

    So i met her outside her work an another day. I drove up to her appartment, where she lived.
    There was this girl looking down from the balcony. I didn't care. I was there for Melinda. I ringed the bell, and i heard the sound right where this girl was looking down from the balcony. I backed up and looked up. She smiled. I was like "wtf." I ringed the bell again. No answer. I called her on her phone. No answer. I was like what the hell is going on.
    I backed up, looked up again, this girl was still looking down. I asked her "ehm, do you know Melinda?". She replied "yup". "Is she around? she is not answering phone, neither bell".
    She started to laugh and said "ring again at her bell." So i did. Then i looked up again, the girl wasn't there. The door opened. I went up.
    Third floor. Door was open and the girl looking down was there. The closer i went, the familiar she looked. Then i freeze. Lost my mind. It was her, in her natural form. No make up, nothing.
    Only thing i could say is : "how?"
    I could not take away my eyes. I was in love. A sickening way of love. After a couple minutes inside, i was still in awe. I could not believe it was the same girl.
    She explained it. "I can not do this work being me. I have to change mentally and physically."

    I can write a book about the following months, but i will not.
    It comes to this :
    I wanted her to stop doing that work immediately. From day one. But she explained to me that it's nearly impossible to jump from one life to another. It takes time. I understood somehow.
    She started to build down. It could not go as fast as i wanted. I showed ignorance. I jus didn't understood why she had to build down, instead of jus quitting. I had money enough. She didn't even needed to make money. But every time i used that line, she got angry. She always said "i don't want you money."
    I asked her i could help her do something else. Want a beauty salon? I can open one for you. i can find employees for you. Anything you like.
    No, she was consistent in saving up her own money, while building her work down.
    I tried to understand. But it disturbed me.
    She moved in with me.
    Everytime i came early and she wasn't around. I got all kind of f*cked up ideas. I called her, she didn't pick up. Usually she always does. When she doesn't i know she was working.
    It disturbed me.
    When she came back home, i was cold. She knew. Never said anything when i was cold. She just sat around waiting for me to talk again.
    Often she cried. I did not care.
    She said "you knew me. you knew everything. I never lied to you. But don't expect from me to stop everything and just start depending on you. I have been all alone my whole life, just bare with me a couple months more. Then i have enough to stop this work and start another one that will suit to your/our expectations."
    I was like "yeah, you keep fucking other men. i'll just wait here with all this money. I have to wait for half a year more, while i can just help you out? It's not even much. I make that kind of money in a day. Yet, you keep refusing my help. I'm starting to think you're just a *****, not a prostitute"...
    Well... i should not have said that.
    She slapped me and went up. I heard her packing. I didn't stopped her.
    I was too cocky. I knew i was right. I mean come the f*ck on. I make more money a week than she can possibly "work" together in a year.
    Still refusing my help?
    FUCK HER!!!

    But no... i was wrong. Allthough it seemed like i wanted to help, i was actually trying to control her. The only thing she had, i could not take away, was her independancy. Allthough to an extreme extend, that's all she had. I could literally give the world to her, yet she refused. She loved me, but didn't want to depend on me. The only thing she admired to have was "her OWN business". The word "own" is open for interpretation, but i understood she had worked hard physically and mentally to achieve this dream. Being so close to it, she refused to just "skip the last part" and accept my money.
    I kept trying to contact her. Tried to explain i finally understood.
    But she didn't wanted any of it.
    "I'm a *****. You look for a woman".
    I knew it was that thing...
    I suffered.
    I started to drink heavily again.
    My boss noticed. Sent me on vacation for a while.
    It took a while, but i got over it.
    Around now, i'm 27...
    All the drugs, alcohol, money, prostitutes... it all started to become a grind.
    I was looking for something else in my life.
    I decided to take things slower. Make time for everything else but my work.
  2. iamlostinmydreams

    iamlostinmydreams New Member

    I met a girl, on a terras on a sunny day.
    She was reading a book while drinking tea.
    I noticed her book, it was a study book Astro Physics.
    I immediately got excited a bit. She was beautifull.
    I said "i bet you watch DeGrasse Tyson video's every night on youtube?"
    She smiled and just read her book further.
    I just stood up and sat next to her. She looked and wondered.
    I introduced myself and my passion to Astro. She was amazed about certain things i told, she didn't knew about Astro Physics.
    We immediately found a link between us. It kept us occupied for hours and hours.
    Before i realized, we were talking like long time friends.
    Days passed and we grew into eachother.
    Weeks passed before we had intimacy.
    Months passed... we were passionately in love.
    She occupied my life. My work, my family, everything was on second place. She was first.
    A year passed, we decided it was time to introduce ourself into our families.
    So we did.
    But it failed.
    Her parents didn't liked me. Allthough i did my best to "NOT BE THAT COCKY GUY FROM WORK", i failed to impress her parents.
    Her mother even said "who are you even to talk to my daughter. I know who you are. I know what you do for a living. Be asured we are not impressed. I heard about you. I heard about your boss. I even heard about the way you guys handle competition. I know several people dissapeared because of you guys. Don't act like you are a good person. You are bad to the bone."
    I was shocked. I realized my "fame" was larger than i thought. Allthough i tried to explain my "real" job, the parents didn't want any of it.
    They just didn't liked the industry. Allthough i explained what happened in the past, nope "there are other more respectfull ways of making a living".
    It bothered me. I mean, i wasn't killing people, i wasn't forcing people to lose their house on gambling, i wasn't forcing competition to "move away". No, all i did was to evolve a system that worked good for the company. "Good" means "make money". And it did. I was just making money on the system i produced. Sure i lived a "fast life", but i was young and energetic.
    But i was ready to slow all of it down and start a family. But no, i realized i was being compared to Mob guys. Their parents related me to maffia.
    NOOOO. The bodyguard was simply there for my protection, from any life threatening situation. Since i kept coming up with great ideas to insert in the system, i was too valuable for the company. The bodyguard wasn't there to "show off". He actually kept me safe from anything. I'd f*cking go out and drink all night and insist driving home myself. He refused to let me drive.
    I'd f*cking drink too much and start sh*t with anyone who would dare to look "different" to me. He would just sh*t me up so i wouldn't get in trouble.
    He actually protected me from myself more than he protected me from others. That's why he was around. I was stupid.

    But yeah, we had a wonderfull relation with her. Till one day...
    We had a discussion about our parents. While my parents loved her, her parents literally hated me. I had a bad reputation and i could not get rid of it.
    She kept saying her parents would eventually give in and accept you for who you are. They just don't know you. Sure they think you are doing bad things, but that's just the idea everyone has about people working in the upper sectors of the gambling industry.
    No. I was angry. Why? I mean why the f*ck don't they even listen to what i have to say? I mean i asked her dad to spend a couple days with me, so he could see what i actually really do.
    He never wanted any of it. "I know you guys. I know your boss."
    I felt so powerless.
    Allthough i actually didn't have to care, i really felt the need to my acceptance. I just wanted them to accept me for who i am and what i do.
    I worked f*cking hard to get where i was and i just could not bare the fact that it means nothing to certain people.
    For a period, i stopped caring.
    I still had a wonderfull time with her.

    And then... it happens... A "Big Guy" gets shot and my boss, including me are the prime suspects.
    But really, we had really nothing to do with it. It was proven very shortly also.
    But the media made the industry look even more bad to her parents then it already was.
    The forbid her to see me with an ultimatum : "If you still meet that guy, forget about us for the rest of your life".
    She cried for hours with me. She felt she had to make a decision. It was either me or her parents.
    But i kept trying to convince her what she tried to convince me earlier.
    "Sooner or later, they will understand and look at me differently. Just bare with me. It will all be fine. I don't mind meeting you secretly, as long as you are happy and your parents are okay with it. And from there, we can work out all of this out"

    Her father one day called me and said "please stop it. i know you two still together, but if you love her, if you care about her, move away from her."
    Why? Why do they hate me so much? The industry isn't as bad as people portray it. Gambling was and WILL be a huge industry. I am a part of it, in a way i make systems. I don't care about the rest.
    I snapped again.
    I went to their parents all by myself.
    I simply said "what if i just exit the industry? what if i just stop it all? what can i do? I was not allowed to complete my studies, what can i do? What do you expect from me? Work in a factory? Work for a lousy payday? Work 9 to 5? What? WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU WANT ME TO BE? I make system, i don't kill people. I make system, i don't force people to use it. Please f*cking try to understand that i was not allowed to be a good guy as you define. I COULD NOT BE A DOCTOR. I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO STUDY. Please f*cking understand it. At the end, isn't it all about making a living? Making money? Well, i am. Good too. I will not fail anyone anymore!!!

    Well, that didn't worked out too. Now i was a thug too. Going around forcing my beliefs. Going around yelling and stuff.
    She was angry now too. Why in earth would i go around and feel the need to prove myself to be "the perfect man".
    "You are my perfect man. But you have to realize that for some people, your reputation needs time to digest".
    Again... i understand. Always late, but i understood.

    Months kept passing...
    Till that one dark, very dark day...
    I remember it was raining. I was at the main office with the boss. Drinking coffee, talking about the next project in Austria.
    It was her.
    She said "We have to end this. It doesn't make sense."
    I was shocked.
    We met, we talked.
    I came to realize, that i am not making enough time for her and me to work all of this out.
    I came to realize that i am actually more occupied with my own acceptance towards her family, that actually working on our relationship.
    Allthough i believed i was making enough time, i realized i was "off" for hours a day, several days a week.
    It was like she had to make a appointment with me to see me :/

    Eventually it didn't worked out.

    I made myself believe, that my work was underneath everything what was going wrong in my life. The money changed me. It made me another person that who i was back when i was doing that f*cking math exams.
    I had to let it go.
    From one day to another, i decided to "live" differently.
    I made time for my family. Hell... those little kids that called me uncle grew up without my notice. I was estranged to my family. :/
    I decided to see my parents much more often. My brother, my sisters, my nieces, my nephews...
    But that didn't go well with my work. My performance dropped significantly.
    It was impossible to perform at the niveau, while still making enough time for family.
    It weared me down.
    But no mather what, if your performance drops, you get replaced. As simple as that. The system was doing it's job, i was replaceble.
    And eventually it did. But in the most unexpected way.
    I got replaced. I didn't mind to be honest. I had made enough money to spend my life without having to work anymore.

    But i did not trully notice one thing, my work came with a HUGE side-effect.
    I was a gambler myself. Back then, if i lost hundreds of thousands, i could take that punch easily. I was generating more than that.
    But now things were different.
    I was NOT making ANY money at all. I was living from my savings.
    That does not go well with gambling.
    Allthough i tried my best to just forget about the past, i could not.
    I was happy with my family, seeing them more often, but i was not satisfied.

    I kept gambling. :/
    Now the fun part comes...
    In barely a year, i gambled everything away.
    Surreal. How can a person gamble that amount of money away in a year?
    I hid it from my family offcourse.
    But at the end, i could not hide it anymore.
    The very last thing i lost was my home...
    Since i stopped paying my debts, i could not stop the bank from taking everything i had anymore.
    I still don't understand how i let it go that far...

    My brother fixed me a job. He has a wonderfull restaurant. He is a chef. I practically became a chef too thanks to him.
    I work hard, not easy being a chef.
    But i never stopped gambling...
    Allthough after the sale of my house and cars, a big part of my debts are released, i am still required to pay a sum.
    I can pay it easily. But gambling has me in it's grip.
    I promise myself to pay of that sum first each month and then spend the rest accordingly.
    But i fail.
    I Keep gambling as soon as i have money.
    End up loosing it all. End up asking my brother for a loan :/
    I'm so f*cking ashamed of it.
    He knows it. He pays of my debt to to bank each month.
    I keep f*cking up.
    I keep gambling.
    For the last three months, i have again failed to pay the sum.
    I told my brother i payed it. I f*cking lied. That's what i do now. I lie.
    I am ashamed to ask him again.
    The bank already called me. They have the right to come to my appartment and take away everything i have if i don't pay up till next week.
    I f*cking fail now.

    Forgetting a Compass... Can you imagine?
    I failed to bring my Compass to the most important exam of my life.
    I failed to control my emotions and go apesh*t on a teacher who was probably just trying to show me the importance of certain things.
    I failed to understand certain moral values.
    I failed to understand that interpretation of ideologies change from person to person.
    I failed to see the gold i had in my hands and let it slip through my fingers.
    I failed to see how carefull you have to be with money.
    I failed to control myself with money and changed into the most cocky self-centered man in the world.
    I failed to see the value of love.
    I failed my family.
    I failed others families.
    I failed everyone.
    I am still failing.
    I had it all and i failed to keep it.

    You know what's even worse?
    I miss my old life. I want ALL of it again. ALL THAT MONEY, ALL THE DRUGS, ALL THE WOMAN.
    I disgust myself.
    I constantly battle myself.
    I hate myself. I love myself.
    I know what i am capable of, i know what i am not capable of.
    The things i am capable of doesn't matter, the things i am not capable of matters alots.
    I fail.
    I don't know anymore.
    I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.
    What is normal anyways?

    I'm very quite around family. They see it. My mother cries every time. She knows what i'm going through.
    My dad knows. What i had and what i lost.
    My brother knows my gambling addiction.
    My sisters try to talk, but i'm just quite.
    I try to hide everything, but i'm bad at it. I even fail there :/

    I am so confused...
    In a moment of clarity, i am aware i am lucky to be alive. I'm making a decent income. I can just move on with my life and see what comes to me.
    But those moments don't last long.
    i'm always depressed, gambling doesn't help either.
    I keep remembering the past.
    The big house, the fast cars, the money, the woman... everything.
    Do i want it back? FUCKING YES!!! FUCKING NO!!!
    I'm constantly confused.
    I can't switch it off.
    I'm tired. Very tired.
    I wasted my past.
    I don't know what i am saying to be honest.
    I can just move on with my life, no more millions, but still a good living.

    Can i?
    Or Not?
    I need to get back to that life...
    But i can't. Money has caused everything positive in my life to come to a stop...
    yet i keep gambling, to win once again...
    i don't get it anymore.

    i cant switch my head off for a moment of silence....

    Allthough... i can switch it off forever...