Gone in the next few days...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by catecholamine, Oct 21, 2012.

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  1. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    Well, the main thing needed to end my life arrived via FedEx about 10 hours ago. I still have to go to the store and pick up a couple things to complete my "creation" lol, but that's no big deal. If my car will cooperate (been having issues getting it to start sometimes), I'll go pick up the stuff later. Not sure if I'll do it right away or the next day after I get it all together. <Mod Edit - Acy - Timeline>
    Just wanted to say bye to all the folks who have kept me company over this past year in chat and on the forums. Thanks for all the help you've tried to give.

    This is not a cry for help and my mind will not be changed. I'm ready to be done.
    Thanks all.
    :Leiaha:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 21, 2012
  2. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    We all love you
    :bubbles:
     
  3. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    This post is not cool, and not good at all.

    It's not cool, because you are telling people here about it, and giving a timeframe, so anyone who even remotely liked you will be worried for that exact amount of time, and frantic, and some might even try to stop you in vain. Is that fair to the members here?

    Secondly, it's not good at all, because you spent all the care and effort into trying to end things... planning it out, working on the plan, and now will attempt to execute your plan.... and you seem so happy with this.... is there not any other kind of plan for LIFE that you could work on, and execute.....???? The same effort you are putting into this, could work to put into your life.

    I don't believe that other members here will be as calm about your choice, nor as calm about the admissions you just made... as I certainly am not.

    I want to tell you not to do it, but feel like you will tell me to buzz off, and not worry, and that it doesn't matter what I think anyway.

    Your post is also so offensive to anyone on here who put any effort your way, or listened to you, or cared... on any level... because it's like saying they are not good enough, and never will be. It's casting aside all of the good things... and saying that this plan of yours and this decision is more important.

    Is your death really more important than any good, concern, care... compassion that you've ever had in life?
     
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    catecholamine, even though you have planned and are "bringing things together" to complete your plan, I am hopeful that you still have some doubts about wanting to go through with your plan. You're posting here...reaching out. How about talking about what is hurting so much that you would even think about ending your life? What would make life worth living for you? Please consider staying with us and not following your plan. Concerned about you. :hug:If you are in danger of acting on your plan, perhaps you could call a crisis line or get to the ER/A&E where they can talk to you in person.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 21, 2012
  5. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Catecholamine, I left a visitor message on your wall... and will re-comment in this thread too... ..... the numbness you express, like a kind of drifting pointless feeling... not really feeling or caring either way.... I wish I had a way to pull you out of that, but I am afraid that maybe you don't want to come out of it either.

    I understand that you don't want to hurt, and as Acy said too... there must be something deeper going on under here, something you are being rather silent about.

    Does your justification for making this decision actually add up for you... on every level? Does it truly give you what you want....? I mean.... is it 100%?
     
  6. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Hrmm... now of course.... Catecholamine is offline. Arghh.
     
  7. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    I left you a visitor message, please let people help you stay alive :hug:
     
  8. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Dear Cate,
    The first time that I met you on the chat, you really ticked me off. We didn't hit it off at all, but then as we continued to run into one another on there things changed drastically... to the point where when I'd see you log into chat I'd thinking, "Oh cool, Catecholamine is here!" First impressions are rarely correct and you turned out to be one of the coolest people in the chat and one of the reasons that I find my own comfort being in there. You're a good person and I can say that because I'm not just assigning the "good person" description to you... I actually got to know who you are by chatting, and by watching and 'listening' to the various things in there you'd say. You're the kind of a person that people would all love to have as a good friend.

    Your plan really bothers me. I fear you may be planning the same thing in the same way that my son did. You remember that I lost him to suicide and he is the reason that I have an empty heart, but he also is the reason that I care about other people. I learned to live and I learned to die as a result of what he did, and when someone lives it makes me know that my boy had a purpose. If we all were to lose you, it would hurt everyone whom you have touched. Surely someone like you who touches people as you do has great value in this world.

    I have seen you in your ups and in your downs. You're "up" right now for a very down reason. It's a form of confusion, though I know that you don't see it that way. Nobody can change the way you feel, and we cannot change your mind, but I hope that you will do that for yourself on your own. Don't leave your friends who look forward to you. This from someone who has come to know who you really are: STAY with us, my friend.
     
  9. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I Agree With What PickWithAustin Said!!!
     
  10. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    When a person gets caught up in a single line of thinking, it is difficult to imagine any other kind of solution. There are so many different answers, so many different choices, right in front of our eyes, we are just too narrow minded to see them. It is all well and good to want to disappear from the World, but once you take that step, there is absolutely no way you can ever turn back again, to choose that other option that you were staring right at, but unable to see. One part of living is that you can and do make mistakes, but you can always learn from them, if you give yourself the chance; the moment you voluntarily take out that factor, before even going through with your wish, how can someone say they want to die, when, to me, they were not even alive to begin with?
    Parents that you never talk with, an estranged ex and child, friends, co-workers, old/current school friends - You could think that no one in the World cares for you or will miss you when you are gone, yet no matter what you believe, there is always going to be someone, somewhere in your life who will fall to their knees and cry. And even, after some months or years they are able to finally let you go, inside, the pain your death has caused them will be carried in their souls and have a profound impact on them for the rest of their lives.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 21, 2012
  11. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    Hrm, how to address all the questions...lets see...
    There is nothing in particular that is bothering me. I just do not want to deal with all the things that come with living. Regardless of what goes on around me, I am not happy. I know there is always a choice, but that is not what it feels like. It feels like death is the only way out.
    I am not disillusioned enough to think that this will not hurt people around me, but I can't just keep hanging on for them. I tried. I can't. Maybe I'm selfish, but that's just how it is. What will be, will be.

    There is nothing I could change that would make me happy. I've tried meds, lots of them, even tried ECT. It just can't be helped. It is what it is.
     
  12. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Hello, I don't if this helps but your looking at suicide as offering you some kind of relief, it won't, it's the end of your life. You need help, I don't know what, but there are always options even if we don't see them or believe there might be. Your not selfish your in a great deal of pain, which has stripped you of coping resources. Please reach out to as many people as possible, share your pain, there are people who care and want to help.

    God Bless
     
  13. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    This is a contradiction, which I am glad to see... and let me tell you why it's important that you just did that: you said nothing was bothering you, and then listed a description that tells us you are bothered by something, that something of course, being the idea of life itself, and doing what life requires.. and not feeling helped, and not feeling like you would ever get out of life what you may deserve.

    It means, even if you might not see it right now.... that there still is a glimpse of 'something more' deep inside you... still a glimmer of desire and dreams that once lived... that tell you that you deserve so much better than what you think of yourself right now, and that you are worth so much more than what your life is right now.

    Never even remotely had your spirits up... ever, recently? Never laughed a bit... none of those things? Never felt a bit hopeful? What's going on...?

    Would you wait, then, to act on this decision of yours, until you can say that you DO have a choice? Why do something, when it's not even a choice anymore? Why do something, if you are feeling forced to...? You don't have to do it, just because it feels like it's the only thing you can do... sometimes, there is something else we can do too: nothing... in-action. If you are only being given once choice... if that is how it feels to you, there is the option to refuse to take that option. It does not mean, either that you have chosen life either, or taken life... because as you said, that's not really feeling like a visible option right now. It just means that you are not going to be pushed along, into a decision, without it even truly being your choice either.

    Your choice does matter here, and I am hearing a faint bit of request in your tone... a request, asking life to let you somehow, finally be happy... to let you somehow, heal. I am hearing a faint request in there... ever so slight, mind you, asking life to stop hurting you, and asking it to accept you for once... because you feel like life has taken you hostage, and you are in some dark cellar somewhere, chained up, and can't move, or free yourself.

    Would you let us, on this forum, try to come and get you out of that cellar... one last time? Would you let us, try to not make that the only way for you....? Would you give us one more chance to do that?

    . You are being asked to do something that you just can't do any more... and you are being asked to hang onto empty promises, and empty ideas, because each time you give a little bit of hope to what they say... it never really does work out. I can see that you have lost a great deal of your will to care about what the point is any more, because again, you are being asked to do things that you just cannot do any-more.

    But would you give us a chance again, as a forum, and as a community, as fellow concerned humans, and as some of us apparently are your friends in this thread and on this forum.. would you give us a chance to not ask you to do things you can't do any more... but help you do the things that you can... and accept you the way you need to be accepted, and help you laugh again, help you feel happy again...?

    You were trying to do things that just were not within reason for what you were capable of at the time... but I won't ask you to do those things, and I won't ask you to do something that ends up being empty... You can do life, but it does not have to be what you think it is, and it does not have to be what people are asking you either... Would you let us, try and show you that... one more time?

    I am sorry that it is that way right now, but it's not what you deserve, correct. It's not what you deserve. But again, it does not have to be something you end up doing, just because you are being pushed in that direction. That is unjust for you to feel like that's your only choice now... so again... would you let us show you another choice...? Would you give us a chance again?

    That's a tragic way to go out.. and you deserve so much better than what you think you are worth right now. I am sorry that you have gotten the impression that your value is such that you just need to take yourself out of the equation, and that you are not worth enough to ever get anything nice, or positive, or worthwhile, or beautiful out of life.

    You are definitely worth so much more than this right now.... would you give us one more chance to show you that? To prove it to you... not just with empty words?

    I am sorry that you have been lied to. I am sorry that you have been made to believe that happiness is this constant thing we can have in our life... yes, that is a lie... and you have found that out. But your hope in happiness, because of the fact that it is a lie, is just cruel then, to yourself... and to what you deserve. What if I said there is something better that you can have...? Something that won't leave you... or make you feel disappointed... or make you feel dumb for even bothering?

    Something much better than happiness, honestly, and a whole heck of a lot less empty, and a whole heck of a lot more fulfilling, and purposeful, and useful, and absolutely POINT-FULL... instead of pointless. Would you let us show you...? Would you give us another chance?

    Consider this: I am an advocate for MORE than just meds, and there are more people like me on this forum, who KNOW that what you need in life, and from life... is more than just sedation. You and I both know that such, is not a life at all... I want to apologize on behalf of humanity that you were treated like some kind of lab rat, who should just be medicated coldly... instead of left to be free, and loved, in a family... and free to live, and free to feel like you deserve to!

    I am sorry that you were grabbed and shoved in a cage, and became a spectacle for everyone who passed by, a sort of medical problem, even to yourself... I am sorry that you have regretted being who you are, because you were made to feel like being you was an issue, and that being you meant that nobody would want you, and that you must be medicated heavily in order for society and man kind to even remotely want you around.

    I am sorry you have been treated as though that was all you were worth, is just your problems. I am sorry that people addressed you AS your problems, and never were able to separate you from them, and see that there was a person underneath them, someone who had value, someone who had dreams, someone who was beautiful.

    I am sorry that you feel like you ARE a walking problem to the world, and to yourself. I am sorry that you have come to believe that this just must be true... and again... would you let us come and try to get you out of that cage? Would you let us try, once more, to let you just "BE"... like you are supposed to?

    From where you are standing, no it cannot be helped... there are a lot of circumstances driving you to your position today, and recently... but if you are immobile, and you are stuck, which you are... we are not immobile. Would you let us, move for you...? Would you let us come and undo some of the rope on your heart, crushing it? Would you let us try, once more to give you what you deserve, instead of what you don't?

    Please... give us one more chance.

    :hug:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 21, 2012
  14. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    If you just do not want to deal with all of the things that come with living, then my apologies to say this, but to me, that is a fairly poor excuse to end things, when you could just as simply take a time out from your life and go on a trip for the weekend or a week to some place in your past that has always made you feel the most relaxed. And, you know, so many people think about death so much, that it makes them afraid to live. Whether that be of their future of their prospects, facing whatever difficulties that have made them this way in their life or whatnot, it clouds their minds into thinking that death is absolute, when in reality, while that is true, life is absolute as well. You are alive, right now, can there be any real harm, physically or emotionally to find just one thing each day to wake up to that can keep you going? Something as big as a career and future family to something as small as finding out what will happen in the next episode of a favourite television program that you watch or a favourite book. There is always something that you will find to keep you grounded, even if takes your mind off everything for only 30 minutes a day, it is still something that you look forward to finding out.
    Whatever you have tried, as you said, it is what it is, and the same is for you, you are who you are. If you cannot change it, then learn to manage it. If drugs do not help, then you have to keep looking for that one thing in your life that will. Otherwise, you have already died a long time ago, but since you have hung on for this long, you cannot keep believing all of those things that you believe about yourself and wanting to end things, because you are still alive and that is proof that you still have so many choices and options in which to turn around and work on yourself for a tomorrow that is just around the corner.
     
  15. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I am not sure if she has done something to herself... because after posting in here, she has not come back to the forum.
     
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