gone too far.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ingelosi, Sep 21, 2010.

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  1. ingelosi

    ingelosi Member


    I've had enough,i went to blackpool on sunday to get drunk and drown in the sea but all i got was mugged and arrested,nothing every works out for me.Most of the time i want to never wake up again but i've learned to cope with that but for the last few days i've wanted to kill myself and i think i probably will tonight.

    I have a girlfriend,a car,a home and 3 really good kids,i've not got a job but i've got an interview which i should breeze so why the hell do i want to jump off a quarry?Why can i never be happy?It's not like i even want that much from life it should be easy but it's not.

    I know i need help i just don't want to have to hurt anymore.
  2. SuicidalAgain

    SuicidalAgain Well-Known Member

    "Why?", maybe you should medidate a bit on that question, maybe you'll find what's missing. You can lay in bed in a comfortable position, close your eyes, breathe deeply and focus on your breathing, what it does to your body. Clean every thought that comes to your mind and get back to your focus. You can also ask "What is wrong?", "What is missing?", but don't get frustrated if you don't get an answer, but know that your answer is inside of you. Do it whenever you feel in distress, it should make you feel better.
    Or you could simply do something that makes you feel better. I know singing works for me, the thing is that when I feel down I don't feel like singing.
    Let's get around this, shall we? It would be awful for your kids to lose their dad. They love you and they need you, always remember that.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Please speak to a professional...you sound like you want relief, not an exit and it would be so painful to everyone involved if you confused the two...welcome and hope you continue to tell us what is going on for you and how we can support you...all the best, J
  4. ingelosi

    ingelosi Member

    Thanx guys,it was hard but i've finally admitted i've got problems i can't handle on my own,i went to see the doctor and she has put me on meds,i don't like to be on pills but since i don't like anything at the mo then i guess i can handle it.

    She also has referred me for councilling, hope things work out because im so tired.

    on the upside i got that job!start tomorrow, i feel its a bit soon but don't want to miss out coz im not ready.

    i know i didn't say a lot but just by reading all your posts for the last few days really made me see that im not alone and that other people know how i'm hurting.

    i really think that this site made a difference(i didn't cut myself this time)i wish more people knew there were people like you around.

    i know there will be other dark knights ahead but they don't seem quite as scary now.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Congratulations on your new job and I'm so pleased you went for help.....
    I hope the meds work and your life improves daily
  6. ingelosi

    ingelosi Member

    thank you.
  7. ingelosi

    ingelosi Member

    Feel like shit again today,

    The job was a nightmare i was left to work alone and couldn't handle it, it was too soon and all that time to think was killing me inside.I walked out and there's no way i'm going back.

    This is not a problem as i have another job which pays way more.Im a Dj(i find it really funny that i'm messed up and want to die but people hire me to get there party going and give them a good night)i used to breathe for this job but lately im faking it-i'll play the songs you love and with a smile and my face but i don't feel it anymore.

    Since Sunday i've been staying with my mum as i thought that was the best thing to do, it was my middle boys birthday on wednesday and i didn't even see him because i didn't want to see me like this.Now the birthday treat i had planned has been cancelled because my gf says i haven't seen the boys i shouldnt just take them out.

    I know where she is coming from but there's 4 hrs before we have to be there isn't that enough?

    Also i have always been the strong one in our relationship because she has suffered depression for yrs and has tried to kill herself a few times in the past but now that i need help she can't cope it's all turned to what she needs and i'm not feeling strong enough to cope with reassuring her all the time.

    i want to be there for her and stand up strong and sort everything out but right now the only people holding me up are you guys.
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    HI again...glad you continue to tell us what is going on...being a DJ does sound so ironic...party outside, horror inside...but I dont understand why you could not celebrate with your son...who made up the rules? Now it is your turn and I hope you do get the support you need...please keep posting...we are here and you are not alone...big hugs, J
  9. ingelosi

    ingelosi Member

    It was me who made the choice as on wednesday i was still pretty raw and all my gf's family would be there and they all knew what had happened and i didn't want it to be all about me.I was ok with it as i knew on saturday i had this big day planned for all of us.

    The kids aren't really mine(though i bring them up)so i don't have a voice really, i kicked the front door in while i was drunk and locked out then had a row with my gf and the boy heard it and saw the shattered door.which is what lead me to goto blackpool in the first place.

    arrrggggghhhh what a mess.
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    We all screw up...apologize, tell the child what was wrong with what you did and move on...there is nothing you can do about that except heal the situation for the future...hope you have a better day 2day, J
  11. ingelosi

    ingelosi Member

    Thats what i wanted to do today say i'm sorry and explain it the best i could then take them all out for a day snowboarding so when we get home it would have been a happy day for them.

    im in two minds whether to just jump in the car and fuckoff again and it's worse this time because i'm not just pissed with me i'm pissed with my gf.

    fight or flight?
  12. stig

    stig Well-Known Member

    get away. calm yourself down and allow your gf to calm down. spend some time sorting your head out and decide what you want. once decided get a plan of action together and put it into effect. I DO NOT mean suicide. I mean do you still love her? do you still want to be with her and the kids, If the meds aren't helping get back to the docs and ask for the dosage to be increased.
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