Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by singing, Nov 3, 2009.

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  1. singing

    singing New Member

    Hey guys. I don't want to talk about this with anyone I know for many reasons, I don't even know what I'm asking of you guys. This is so all over the place so I think I'll use this as my one opportunity to say anything about it, because I don't think I can get into it again, or not publicly at least. I don't know, there's never a point in saying these things, I really don't know what I'm expecting. Sorry if it's a waste of time for you to read.

    Okay. So I was born into a world where I have no rights as a human being. I am the property of my father, then my closest male relative, then, if I get married, my husband. Should something happen to my husband, back to my male relatives if my son isn't old enough. I can't rebel against this, if I do I'm faced with beatings, home imprisonment and even potentially being killed. So, thinking logically about this, I'm faced with two options.

    Either I run away, or I kill myself. Honestly, they both have their ups and downs. Well, I don't want to kill myself because I honestly don't want to die, and I am pretty fearful of what's in store in the after life, but I can't see myself living this life. I don't want to run away because I don't want to have to leave my sisters behind, or hurt my mother (she gets worked up easily, I'm worried this would have a really negative impact on her health and so I don't know what it would do to her). But she won't listen to me or try to understand, even though I know she felt the same way years ago. I'm exactly like she was when she was my age, but she believes in the things this culture teaches now. That's another one of my concerns, what if I start believing I'm less entitled to my rights than a man just like she has done? I have set a dead line, that if things haven't changed by then I will have to do one of both. The dead line is in about 8 months. I really don't know how I expect it to go.

    And okay, to be honest, I know there are people who are in worse situations than I am, I do, but this just makes me so angry, that I can't even do what I want with my life. I get so angry, then I get sad, then I'm frustrated and numb, then it's a combination of all of those feelings and I really just wish I was never born. I know there's a lot of good in this world, I do, but I can't seem to claim any of it for myself when I don't even have control over what I can wear. I'm almost 19. nine. teen. most people by this age have done what I could never do in a life time. It's not fair that I have to choose between my family and the things I need. It's like my life was over before it even began, and I don't know if it's worth the effort to be alive anymore. All I want now is the strength to end it.

    I'm sorry, I really don't know what to expect. I just don't think I can do this anymore but there's always something holding me back. I think I'm losing my mind, my own thoughts scare me sometimes.

    Sorry again. I think I'll be spending all day tomorrow in bed, that comforts me :/ .
  2. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hey singing, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. The way women are treated in some cultures is absolutely horrendous, I feel for you, if it was me, free-spirited and free-thinker as I am, I'd likely start a rebellion or something, but alas, this isn't about me.

    If you don't mind me asking, what country are you writting from? I'm an on and off volunteer at a social support center and over the years I've seen some girls volunteering there who came from countries with strict women rules such as those you mentioned, and went to my country (Portugal) to study. Once you have a higher education, nothing's keeping you from sticking around and avoiding all those stupid laws in your home country.

    Maybe you can persuade your father to let you study abroad?

    In any way, keep posting over here. I know the situation seems dire, but there's a solution out there, just don't let yourself be broken, you deserve to be happy and if you don't forget that goal, you will. Drop me a PM anytime you wanna talk.

    Oh and welcome to SF!
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to SF, singing! :hug:

    I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so desperate. It would be oppressive to be considered "property."

    I see you are almost 19...Are you going to go to college/uni? Could that be a chance to start moving away from the situation? Perhaps you could study something that would require you to move to another far away country for work after uni.

    I'm afraid I've no other ideas atm. Keep talking to us here, though. You are obviously an intelligent young woman, and the world needs you. Please don't choose suicide as a way out of this situation. You're worth more than that!

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