Hey guys. I don't want to talk about this with anyone I know for many reasons, I don't even know what I'm asking of you guys. This is so all over the place so I think I'll use this as my one opportunity to say anything about it, because I don't think I can get into it again, or not publicly at least. I don't know, there's never a point in saying these things, I really don't know what I'm expecting. Sorry if it's a waste of time for you to read. Okay. So I was born into a world where I have no rights as a human being. I am the property of my father, then my closest male relative, then, if I get married, my husband. Should something happen to my husband, back to my male relatives if my son isn't old enough. I can't rebel against this, if I do I'm faced with beatings, home imprisonment and even potentially being killed. So, thinking logically about this, I'm faced with two options. Either I run away, or I kill myself. Honestly, they both have their ups and downs. Well, I don't want to kill myself because I honestly don't want to die, and I am pretty fearful of what's in store in the after life, but I can't see myself living this life. I don't want to run away because I don't want to have to leave my sisters behind, or hurt my mother (she gets worked up easily, I'm worried this would have a really negative impact on her health and so I don't know what it would do to her). But she won't listen to me or try to understand, even though I know she felt the same way years ago. I'm exactly like she was when she was my age, but she believes in the things this culture teaches now. That's another one of my concerns, what if I start believing I'm less entitled to my rights than a man just like she has done? I have set a dead line, that if things haven't changed by then I will have to do one of both. The dead line is in about 8 months. I really don't know how I expect it to go. And okay, to be honest, I know there are people who are in worse situations than I am, I do, but this just makes me so angry, that I can't even do what I want with my life. I get so angry, then I get sad, then I'm frustrated and numb, then it's a combination of all of those feelings and I really just wish I was never born. I know there's a lot of good in this world, I do, but I can't seem to claim any of it for myself when I don't even have control over what I can wear. I'm almost 19. nine. teen. most people by this age have done what I could never do in a life time. It's not fair that I have to choose between my family and the things I need. It's like my life was over before it even began, and I don't know if it's worth the effort to be alive anymore. All I want now is the strength to end it. I'm sorry, I really don't know what to expect. I just don't think I can do this anymore but there's always something holding me back. I think I'm losing my mind, my own thoughts scare me sometimes. Sorry again. I think I'll be spending all day tomorrow in bed, that comforts me :/ .